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Incredibly sad

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JToivonen, Aug 23, 2019.

  1. JToivonen

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    Hey there.

    Well, what I'm about to say is nothing new, really. I just wanted to put it out a little bit. So, sorry if it seems repetitive.

    I just feel so, so sad and lonely right now... living a lie, not being able to feel truly happy, being who I really am.

    Some of you have told me already to divorce my wife. I wish it were that simple... there's lot of guilty involved. I feel selfish only by considering separating. I grew up being doctrines that you don't do to others what you don't want people doing to you...so how can I leaver her if I know it'll devastate her?

    I lack the strength to move on. I just can't.

    At least I'm in therapy, expecting things to improve. And I've seen some result.

    Anyway, sorry to bother you with all this.
     
  2. I'mStillStanding

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    We’ve talked a bit but this is one of the reasons I knew I had to come out and end my marriage to my ex wife. I knew I couldn’t love her the way a husband should because I’m gay and she deserved to be loved completely. I felt guilty too because I knew she’d be hurt, but I also knew she deserved more than I could give her. I want to be with someone too who I can love completely and they can love me completely. So that’s a thought.... you do love her... but there are different types of love... it’s ok to want to love someone completely and passionately. Just my opinion.
     
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  3. Contented

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    I felt the same once I acknowledged I was gay. I could not love my GF the way she deserved and she could no longer satisfy my sexual and emotional needs. The only real solution is to go your separate ways or face a life unfulfilled. The would be so so sad for both of you.
     
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  4. JToivonen

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    Rationally, I'm aware of all this. The thing is, I realised that, for many different reasons, I've built this dome around her, so nothing could hurt her. And now I'm the one who's to trying to break into and get her out...this sense of protection is massive within me. It's deeply rooted and thick, so it seems nearly impossible for me to break.

    Only the thought of wanting to break it is enough to make me feel like a jerk... I know it sounds crazy, it's just that it goes against every value I've held dear all my life.

    As I said, I'm in therapy, hoping to get some help to solve this unsolvable issue.

    Thanks for the advices and for reading my lament.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    It's tough and people who encourage you to leave her dont say it thinking it is easy. I think the issue is whilst leaving her will of course cause you both pain. Staying is also causing pain, your ability to live the lie becomes harder and harder and surely what you ultimately want for her is to be happy no to be with someone who can love her as she loves them.
     
  6. Contented

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    Being gay would be so much easier for us if we had been able to embrace it as teens. We wouldn’t have all the real baggage of trying to live a straight life with the major complications that brings. As stated these are not easy decisions to move on but I find most of the important life changing decisions are never ever easy.
     
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  7. Sundara

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    Hi, I can feel your feeling now. I have similar situation with you. It is very hard even I know I don't have love in this bond
    But I will be patient waiting for the best moment in my life may be one day I can go to find myself.
    I trust it will happen to me and I want new true love that I deserve in my life.
    Don't give up just face what happen today to you. Hope one day you can be yourself and it is not impossible.
    Good luck for you.
     
  8. Rade

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    To the OP.....it's probably the hardest thing you will ever do. But imstillstanding and myself both left our wives. The grass isn't necessarily greener. But you feel free of the burdon. I have children that I very much still see and support. So finding a guy long term isn't easy but I have a casual partner and another guy I occasionally see. Yes that might not be appropriate but I'm contented.
    All I can say is the truth eventually comes out and we can't hide for ever. First you have to accept your gay. I'm now happy to tell anyone that asks that I'm gay.
     
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  9. David54

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    Our situations are so similar is crazy. I’m unable to come out to my wife for fear of all the hurt I will cause her.
    The thing I’m struggling with right now is that if I’m unhappy and incomplete that’s my problem. By coming out to her I make it her problem. Now there are two unhappy people instead of just one. It just doesn’t make sense to impose this burden on her. Yet at the same time, it doesn’t make sense for me to live my last 30 years +\- unfulfilled. I agree with you when you refer to this as an unsolvable problem. Let me know if you figure something out. I could use some direction too.
     
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  10. Gayhusband

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    I understand and feel your pain. Love hurts
     
  11. Gayhusband

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    I’ve come out to my wife, we’re still married, she’s devastated, especially when I tell her I feel I’m leaning towards homosexuality more than bisexuality. She’s having a hard time understanding how I could just be gay and not bisexual. We still are having sex. I’ve always loved her, I always been attracted more to men though, and now after 3 decades of the closet. I’m gayer than ever, literally dreaming about gay encounters and imagining/lusting over the feeling of kissing a man in public. Mostly I’m afraid of hurting her and everyone thinking she’s a fool for marrying a confused homosexual
     
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  12. maybgayguy

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    This is exactly how I feel. I haven't come out to her though. I was going to and tell her I was bi but the bi part has really faded and I think I am gay. I haven't explored fully so cannot be sure but would love to date and ultimately be in a relationship with another man.
     
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  13. David54

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    Thanks for your input. How long ago did you come out to your wife? Yes I’m worried about what people will think of my wife when it gets out.
     
  14. pharmaguy

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    I'm in a similar situation as many in this thread. I'm married to a woman and she knows that I'm basically gay. I came out as bisexual originally, but in the last year and change, I have basically decided that I'm gay. Of course, i've always known this but have repressed it for 30 years.

    We're making it work. It helps that she has basically no sex drive, so I don't feel like she is dissatisfied. I am mildly dissatisfied sexually, but I am getting by. We aren't ready for any kind of open relationship. Perhaps we will never be, but I think that someday, we will be.

    One of the biggest reasons that I have not come out to everyone is because I plan on remaining in this marriage. I don't know how people will process this and, while I don't owe them an explanation, it's still awkward. I'd like to be more out, but it's just not in the cards right now.
     
  15. David54

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    Sorry. The other thing I wanted to ask (if you don’t mind) is, do you enjoy the sex with your wife? I still have sex with my wife too but I have to imagine doing it with a guy in order to ‘perform’.
     
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  16. maybgayguy

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    I know this wasn't to me but I really struggle with sex with my wife. Actually, I become a total head case when we attempt to have sex. I imagine it is a guy and I can then get erect. Then I "realize" it isn't a guy and I lose it. Then we both feel badly about and just masturbate. I can sometimes enjoy oral as it is easier to fantasize it is a guy giving me the oral. As you can probably guess we really don't try sex much anymore. That is fine by me. I would rather masturbate and have my fantasies and gay porn.
     
  17. David54

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    Thanks for being so open and honest. It really helps me to know there are others like me.
    Oh if I could turn back the hands of time.
     
  18. justaguyinsf

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    As a man formerly married to a woman and who has had his share of experiences with other men, I would just add a note to remember that you're fantasizing about what "might be" if you came out and probably over idealizing things. You might find that after the newness wears off that the gay life isn't what you imagined and you might end up missing your wives. Something to keep in mind.

    P.S. The Qbert avatar rocks!
     
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  19. David54

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    How long ago did you come out to your wife? Bring as you are still together do you feel it was worth it?
     
  20. maybgayguy

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    I totally can see this happening. It is honestly the main thing that keeps me from coming out to her. All that being said, I am not sure what the best options are. There is pain in being in this closet. I am not sure what is best for her or me or my family. Sure, hooking up, dating, having a bf sound great in some vague way but I know that predicting and envisioning the future is fraught with inaccuracies. These are difficult choices and inaction (staying closeted) and coming out are both choices.
     
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