Lesbian or mommy issues?

I can relate. However, the cold behaviours were not consistently in the mix and the age difference was not *always* as wide as it can be. I've also never had any genuine attraction to men - and, I don't want to push anything on you, but from how you described it here it doesn't sound like you really like men either? (because that's exactly how I would describe my feelings towards them.)

Thinking back to a recent thread, there was a reference to how gay men have "daddy issues" if they lean towards older men (although probably put more eloquently than that,) so I'm assuming the same stands with us? Someone else who's more informed will hopefully give you better advice, which I'll also be interested in reading.

 

I'm in a similar position, although I was attracted to two women close to my age, typically I'm attracted to older women. You can be attracted to older women without having mommy issues. And you can also be attracted to older women and have mommy issues. It's possible that you are just attracted to women and always will be, and that your mother issues are merely shaping the way your attraction to women presents itself.

Additionally, attraction to older women makes up an entire section of kink/porn. MILFS, md/lg, etc. So it could also be a kink.

One way to find out would be to try to develop a strong mentor/mentee relationship with an older woman, and see if that relationship alone fills the emotional void. If you want more, then you'll discover that maybe your attraction is also romantic and sexual. But if a plutonic relationship fills the void, then it's possible that you're just emotionally attracted to them, and not also sexually and romantically attracted to them.

 

Well... that's depressing af. I'll probably never figure out what the hell my deal is :')

 

Sorry, it's not meant to be depressing. I think that sexuality can be hard to place under one label, at least right away. Discovering your sexuality is a journey, like discovering your self is.

For me, I tried to force myself into believing things about myself, but eventually, I realized that the only way to find the truth was to not force anything, and to become comfortable with the unknown. It can be very frustrating to hear, especially when you want a simple answer, but if you can just wait and let the question go a little, then soon enough, the answer will come to you.

 

I mean, I can relate to everything women who only like women have said about how they viewed boys and men growing up and still do. I've never wrapped my head around how people can feel that kind of bond with them and the only reason I was ever ever interested in boys was because it seemed like one of the many steps towards objectively "completing" life, along with an education, a career, a home etc., as if that actually matters. On the other hand, the depth of the (maternal) emotional void I have, along with abuse by men, makes me doubt whether I'm just out of my mind and I'm actually strenuously, and effectively, denying any attraction to anyone male.


@mimih3000 I'm really sorry for hijacking your thread!

 

That's a difficult position to be in. I think if you are suppressing your attraction towards men, eventually it will sort of 'come out' and you'll know. My suggestion would be to find close male and female friends (if possible) that could help fill the emotional void. Once the void is filled, then you will know which attraction remains when the void is gone. Of course, finding people to fill the void may be difficult/not possible at least for a while. In that case, if you can find something else to occupy your mind and thoughts, I think eventually the answers will sort of just come to you. It's a bit like if you have a math problem on a test and you can't solve it, and then you go to the other problems, solve them first, and then come back to that one, you have a new perspective now, so solving it can be easier. Sorry if this is unhelpful. I'm speaking from my own experience.

For me, I think I have two separate desires, one is to be with a woman romantically, and another is sort of to be like that person's dependent (for lack of a better word to describe it)--but if there was someone who could fill both roles at once, I would probably go for that. But I've realized that a plutonic female maternal figure is actually more important to me than a romantic relationship with a woman. So if I had to choose between them I would go for that. That took a while to figure out, and was complicated by the fact that I am attracted to women.

I definitely have fought the idea that I was bisexual for a while. More recently, I have felt the desire to be with a man. It's not the same as how I feel about women, not as intense or volatile. I've been mistreated by a lot of women in my life, and pretty much zero men. So for me, I'm drawn to abusive women because I like have this desire for them to change, to abuse me then treat me better. But because men haven't really abused me, my attraction to them feels more "pure" but also, boring. Even though my attraction to women is stronger, it's like poison, and my attraction to men is like a stream you don't notice.

This got pretty personal, but it's helped me to write this out. Hopefully you can find something helpful in it.

 

Glad it helped you.

"A stream you don't notice" also describes my attraction to women: for a while I didn't notice it, even though whenever I liked someone it was always a woman - whether they were a celebrity crush or a teacher, conventionally very attractive or not so much. They've varied in strength and pretty much seem like everyone else's attractions... It's just that a few of them are substantially older?

I suppose the idea that I'd be suppressing something with men is depressing because if it turned out I liked them then that would be yet *another* thing I've missed out on, and I really can't take much more.

With this: "a plutonic female maternal figure is actually more important to me than a romantic relationship with a woman." I'm not sure I can relate. To be sure, I'd need some clarification on the difference, but I don't feel like I only like women because I want them to 'mother' me or whatever. But with boys/men it's just always seemed like I would only be interested in them like that out of obligation. Nothing about them in that way has ever felt exciting. I just become indifferent/go blank.

 

Edit: And it's depressing that I'd need to 'fill the void' as it seems impossible to actually find any support, based on my experience with therapy (not because of 'poor chemistry', but because they were unprofessional) and that I have no friends and can't make any new ones.

 

From what you said it sounds like you're probably just attracted to women then.

A plutonic relationship with a woman would just be like a friendship, maybe a close one where you can share deep thoughts. Romance and sexual attraction are two additional things. Romance is like a feeling of love, and sexual attraction is like a feeling of lust. There's also plutonic love. All three of these elements tend to feel blurred and be present at once, but they can also be experienced to different degrees and on their own.

 

Mommy (and daddy issues) can have their influence, yes. But if it does influence you and how and how much, that is the question. I think another therapist could help you.

 

Mommy issues causing homosexuality or homosexual behavior in straight people that could be corrected.... is based in old, debunked Freudian psychology that has stuck with pop culture even though professional psychology has moved on.

If you feel sexual attraction towards these women throughout your life, that's because you are capable of feeling sexual attraction towards women and thus are queer in some sense.

Feeling attraction towards unavailable or unattainable people can either be a safe place (so we never have to go through with or acknowledge our feelings) OR repeating dysfunctional relationships patterns because it's what we know (because familiar is comfortable even if abusive). Transference is a thing too. Where we develop misplaced feelings on others like love, hate, etc. Like hating on all men because you were abused by one guy or feeling attracted to someone because your last crush wore plaid too. Even though these other people have nothing to do with the reason you felt somethinb about the original person. What you experienced with your first big crush on a counselor would be considered transference and it's really common. Any therapist I saw for an extended time I have had sexual feelings for even if briefly. That is because we're getting what we need relationship wise even though it's very one sided. When we get our needs met in healthy relationships or work out our issues related to transference then it dissipates.

Concerning friends and a therapist. It takes time, it takes trial and error, and it takes small steps. You're not alone there, so many of us struggle to find these people. It took me years to find a friend group amidst healing and getting out of an abusive friendship. It took a few years to find the right therapist. It is hard and may feel impossible. Your feelings are real and valid. They are a reflection of you and your struggle. Not the future or what's possible. There's hope.

 

I realise this is an old post but I just wanted to add that I have exactly the same experience as you. Apart from the fact that I'm 41 myself and I went through my life having mother crushes and dating men romantically but then having such overwhelming mother crushes, my therapist said it sounds like you want more than a friendship can deliver. So after several therapists hinted that I might be a lesbian, I decided to explore that option. I dated a woman who was the most amazing mother figure ever (curvy, not attractive, very nurturing and homely). I lived on cloud 9 for about a year and then the 'impossible dream/ disney view of life' all came crumbling down. When I realised the reality that no-one is perfect, everyone comes with flaws, and I felt that the flaws she showed were irrecoverable from. My bubble burst so hard that I developed anxiety and panic attacks and kind of had a major life breakdown and bad mental health for the first time in my life. I semi recovered and started dating another mother figure but one that I didn't love too much because I knew she didn't have the same values as me from the outset so I protected my heart a bit this time but the relationship was full of triggers, it brought up so many mother wounds, it was constant and I couldn't keep going with the emotional upset daily. I'm now single and 41 and I'm open to dating either gender, but I'm only really looking at women. I've accepted I prefer mother figure types and that I'm not attracted to women my age. I see and own my mother issues when they come up (which they will) and my aim is to have a successful relationship with a woman, without it being too much, but I haven't got there yet. I'm getting younger and younger in my age bracket. I'm now attracted to just 5 years older sometimes, but still can't do my age.

Can we just talk about SHAME! I had so much shame around this all my life and then I heard a friend saying 'I couldn't date women because i never had a dad around and I do like a male influence'. So normal and casual. Like it's ok for hetrosexual people to want a man due to their dad's but for a woman to crave a woman because of their mom is wrong, it's not. I think ALL relationships are influenced by our formative parental relationships. It doesn't have to be freudian, it's just natural. If you are around someone cold, and that feels normal to you, then sometimes you might associate that with 'love' and seek a cold partner (male or female). The influence is there beyond gender. I guess I could be called bisexual, as I've dated men in the past, and with men, I have higher expectation of them than women, because my Dad wasn't around and with women I like them to be older because of the nurturing comfort vibe that gives me.

Maybe do a bit of research into the 'mother wound' and find out what your mother wound is, and try to own that in relationships, and take away the shame. It's ok to want nurturing, but just be very aware that the person can never give you the unconditional love you missed out on as a child. You need to work on healing that yourself. I read somewhere that you can expect 25% of your needs being met from a partner, 25% from friends/community and 50% from yourself. But we sometimes expect 100% from a partner. So far me, if I like nurturing, as long as I'm aware that person can't heal my past and can't meet 100% of my unmet needs, then it's ok to ask for a long hug or whatever else. Also, focus on what they might need. It should be give and take.

If you have mother issues, and you're dating women, it will most likely bring up your mother wound, so you're probably going to need a good therapist! (But don't feel shame, it's no different from a hetrosexual relationship expecting too much from their partner or expecting their male partner to be the dad they never had, you'd be hard pushed to find a relationship that doesn't have some kind of re-living of old wounds).