WARNING: FIRST POST / LONG POST I don’t know if I can handle this. But I have to know. I’m 35, assigned and living as male, married, 3 kids. I think I might be a trans woman. (I can’t bring myself to state it in the affirmative just yet.) I grew up in a very religious Christian bubble and I even served as missionary and youth pastor. Exploring my identity was never an option. Too taboo. I recently deconstructed my faith and you could say I’m an agnostic/mystic/humanist but fuck labels. After beginning to shed the layers of religious guilt and bigotry, I began to realize things about myself I never confronted. At first, I thought it was just a kink or fetish, but the only porn I was into was futanaria, TG TF, and forced femme (animations). Then I convinced my wife to try pegging and I couldn’t believe how much I love being penetrated by her. I had done solo anal play but always in secret. The more I let my curiosity and imagination run wild, the more I began to question. Suddenly all these memories of my childhood began to surface that I had repressed: Using tape to hide my penis. Praying for God or Satan or anyone out there to make me a girl. Trying on my sisters bathing suits when no one was around and tucking before I knew what tucking was. Trying tampons in my butt. The way I was jealous of women’s bodies. Using my nipples as a main route to arousal when masturbating. The dreams! Dreams of being a woman, having breasts, being penetrated, looking sexy in that feminine body. The list goes on... I’ve never in my life (til now) thought of myself as trans or a woman (though I wished it many times. I pictured that “condition” reserved for people who hated their bodies. Depressed. In anguish. Disgusted by their genitalia. But that was never me. And I was never attracted to men (still not). So in my mind, I was disqualified. I don’t “hate” my body. I’ve enjoyed having a penis and I’m not disgusted by it. But I really WANT a vagina. I WANT boobs. I WANT a round, smooth butt with nothing between the legs. I WANT to wear lingerie and bikinis and clothes that highlight my feminine figure. I WANT to be recognized and treated as female. And yes, I’m totally down with the “Fuck the binary!” stuff, but I want to be passing. Fast forward to now. I bought my first pair of women’s bikini bottoms that I wear in secret under my clothes to feel sexy and feminine and to help me tuck. Wore them to work for the first time today. God it felt good. I know it sounds obvious, but life is never easy. I love my wife and I want to be with her for the rest of my life but she’s worried that my changing will leave us too far apart. How is this going to affect my kids? I already have two from previous marriage that I get half the time and one with my wife. I don’t want to mess up the family I have. I don’t want to lose my kids (or have reduced time with them). I’m a solo doctor in a practice that I own (long periods of down time not an option). My parents and in-laws are all closed-minded, religious fundamentalists - I do NOT want to come out to them. I feel like I’m trapped between giving up on the truth of who I am or giving up the family that I love. I don’t know if there are answers. I start counseling this week. Maybe someone will read this and relate. Maybe you’ve been through this. I need some kin that understand.
I'm questioning my gender right now, too. I'm not sure if I'm female, but I don't want to be a man, but I also want a gender so ummmmm. You are super valid, don't you ever forget it! If your family would disown you, or treat you with less respect than they did before coming out, then they don't deserve you. Unless you could convince them, but people in those way older generations and especially religious families are a bit harder to get to, seeing as they have well... their views. I'm not old enough to have a family yet, but I think that's something you should discuss with your wife and see where she stands. My dad won't let me walk to school, even though I live 3 minutes away from it, so I could definitely see where you're coming from with being scared of losing your kids. I would be devastated. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck! <3
I am crying as I write this my friend. Community is powerful. I honor you for your courage and I honor you for you being true to who you are. I am sending you light and love. You know what is true in your heart and you know what to do. You are braver than you give yourself credit for and sometimes people surprise you. You got this far in life - you have the strength, intelligence and integrity to handle whatever comes your way. Remember - this is a gift for everyone involved. Sometimes gifts don't look like gifts. Sometimes they look like cluster fucks - though time heals all wounds and those with the eyes to see and the ears to hear will discover the lesson and see the gift. Also remember how diamonds are formed. FUCK TONS of pressure and heat. You are beautiful inside and out and darkness is simply the absence of light. As your candle burns in the darkness you feel yourself surrounded by just know that not too far away from you are other candles who are also lighting up the darkness they are surrounded by. I remember someone telling me a story once about a lotus blossom. When a lotus starts to grow it's seed is in the dark, wet mud. No idea which way is up. With faith the plant reaches out through the dark mud into the dark cold water in a direction where it hopes it will find the sun. All alone it continues to grow day by day until eventually it reaches the surface of the pond and as it does and as it blooms into a beautiful flower it looks around and is able to see all the other lotus blossoms on the water's surface and suddenly realizes it was never alone in the first place as the sun warms it's beautiful pink petals and everyone gazes upon its beauty. You are not alone. I accept you for who you are. I honor and respect you. Peace and love my beautiful friend. xo Riyana
Riyana, thank you so much for your encouragement and solidarity (here and on your own post). My heart is pounding right now. It’s beating so hard it feels like it’s trying to claw its way out of my chest and onto the page. At least it feels safer here. Affirmation and validation mean so much more to me now than I ever thought they would. I’m actually the seveniest Enneagram 7 on the planet (7w7!). I’m usually impractically, hilariously hopeful that things will “work out” even with evidence to the contrary. I wonder what fears all that optimism has been hiding. Oh wait, I think I know what’s been hiding... I’ve been through divorce once. With kids. And I do NOT want to do that again. Not for the pain it caused me, not for the pain it caused my kids, not for the fact that I only get to see my boys half the time - I’m missing HALF of their childhoods: this has been the biggest heartbreak of my life (and my situation is far better than most dads - side note: is it weird that I still want to be called “Dad” by them even if/when I transition?) As a 7, waiting for something patiently is like... torture. If I’m going to do this, I want to start everything RIGHT NOW! But I know that’s not fair to my family or myself. I feel like a teenager driving a car for the first time with a lead foot - spamming on the gas and brake alternatingly. Thanks for the tip about the YouTube channel, I’ll check that out. And thank you for your 85 metaphors. I’m sure I’ll be reading many more of them in the future. You’re a beautiful lady with a beautiful soul! (P.S. I’m curious - what supplements are you taking? The folx I’ve read on here seem to think they don’t really work, except in a supportive/health-giving capacity WITH traditional HRT, but that they don’t feminize in their own.)
Thanks niewo. Your encouragement is very life-giving. I’m proud of you for asking these questions while you’re young. Best of luck to you too!
Hey babe - sorry for the long delay on the reply... You asked about supplements... Seeing a sex clinic next Tuesday about going onto HRT... As far as herbs are concerned - Pueraria Mirifica, White Peony Tea and Reishi Mushroom work well together though herbs can't compete with proper HRT. There is a website called ainterolherbs that sell the PM and can answer any questions about dosage, etc.
By the way Jaime - if you download the iphone faceapp you can upload a pic of yourself and get it to do a gender swap. This will give you a pic of what your face would look like (according to the app) as a girl... <3
Hey Jaime, I'm sorry for my being this late here. It sounds like you're making great steps, and I'm really glad that you're reaching out for yourself. You can do this. You're 35, so it's probably safe to say that there's stuff that you have been hiding for a long time. This is your life, and you can change it and live it at your own pace. Of course you want to care for your family and your children, and that should be a two way street. I'll admit that my subconscious did the dirty work for me regarding those relationships. I clammed up on any exploration during a rough divorce (my ex had her own vulnerabilities and we were both scared.) I didn't consciously think of this stuff until the kids were grown. By that time it was a total nonissue to my eldest when I said that I was questioning. The South can pose a few challenges. I'm not too familiar with Tennessee, but Nashville, Chattanooga and possibly Knoxville and Asheville seem somewhat progressive. Finding a therapist who specializes in transgender and LGBTQ issues is always a good step.
