Hi, I would like to remain anonymous so I will just say my name is Chanty. Recent events have made me realize I am not straight, I'm Bisexual. I have a boyfriend whom I haven't come out to yet. I have decided that for now I will only come out to him. I am pretty confused about everything and still trying to find out things (for 17 years I had been sure I was completely straight because of where I grew up.). A bit about my boyfriend. We have been dating for over year and known each others for 3. We love each others. Right now he is away for another two weeks but I did tell him that when he comes back I need to talk to him about something important. His best friend also came out as Trans (girl) and he was quite supportive. I really need suggestion on how to have "The talk". I am being pretty emotional about this, and I feel like I might mess things up.
Hey chanty! I went through a similar situation with an ex boyfriend of mine. I know It’s quite daunting coming out for the first time but if he loves you then he will accept you for who you are. Maybe go for a walk or take a drive around town. Intimate settings are usually pretty good because there are less distractions. Only you know how you are feeling so I can’t tell you exactly what the best way to do it is. Trust your instincts. From what you’ve said so far it sounds like you really love him. Clarify that this is a part of who you are but it doesn’t change how you feel about him. (I’m assuming it doesn’t) Can I ask what sparked this realization about yourself?
Hey, thank you for replying. Your advice was pretty helpful, I do think going for a walk and sitting down somewhere quiet is the best idea. It is a bit of a long story how I realized I was Bi. Growing up for most of my life I had no idea what being gay meant, I lived in a small community and no one ever talked about it. I only learnt also it in 6th grade after getting my first phone and access to the internet. It then took me well over a year to learn about Transgender people, and even longer to learn about Bisexual people, and the whole community. That is why I always thought I was straight; it didn't help that I did like boys and even though I always thought girls were attractive, I simply thought I was jealous and wanted to be like them. Another weird thing is that I was always pretty susceptible when it came to the LGBTQ+ community. I love going to their parades, hearing about coming out stories and really hate when anyone made any sort of homophobic comment, even just as a joke such as "That's gay". But I never thought anything of it. Then it all started last week my bf's best friend comes out to him as transgender. It's is very emotional, especially because he comes from a very religious family and are having trouble accepting him. (Luckily his dad is very cool as is giving her the right support). They also live in away. My bf went there to visit her for a month as she lives far away. For some reason after I learnt she came out I became very emotional. For a day I was very confused, and tried figuring out what was making me so upset. I did start question whether it was because I was Bi (something I had asked myself before) but I thought nothing of it, because I thought to be Bi meant I would have had known for sure. However the moment it clicked was the next day. I was at a coffee shop, and a beautiful girl walked to me, and said she had seen me on the bus and had to tell me that my eyes were so pretty. We exchanged a few more comments and then she left. And that little interaction was enough to overwhelm me. At first I did think it was just flattery, but I kept thinking about it the next day, and about how emotional I had been about my bf's friend coming out, and I slowly started realizing I might be Bi. However I was only certain after watching people coming out stories from Bi people. It all just felt so much like what I am going through right now. I am sorry this was a long message, and story, I hope I didn't bore you . Did people reacted well when you came out?
Hey, thank you for replying. Your advice was pretty helpful, I do think going for a walk and sitting down somewhere quiet is the best idea. It is a bit of a long story how I realized I was Bi. Growing up for most of my life I had no idea what being gay meant, I lived in a small community and no one ever talked about it. I only learnt also it in 6th grade after getting my first phone and access to the internet. It then took me well over a year to learn about Transgender people, and even longer to learn about Bisexual people, and the whole community. That is why I always thought I was straight; it didn't help that I did like boys and even though I always thought girls were attractive, I simply thought I was jealous and wanted to be like them. Another weird thing is that I was always pretty susceptible when it came to the LGBTQ+ community. I love going to their parades, hearing about coming out stories and really hate when anyone made any sort of homophobic comment, even just as a joke such as "That's gay". But I never thought anything of it. Then it all started last week my bf's best friend comes out to him as transgender. It's is very emotional, especially because he comes from a very religious family and are having trouble accepting him. (Luckily his dad is very cool as is giving her the right support). They also live in away. My bf went there to visit her for a month as she lives far away. For some reason after I learnt she came out I became very emotional. For a day I was very confused, and tried figuring out what was making me so upset. I did start question whether it was because I was Bi (something I had asked myself before) but I thought nothing of it, because I thought to be Bi meant I would have had known for sure. However the moment it clicked was the next day. I was at a coffee shop, and a beautiful girl walked to me, and said she had seen me on the bus and had to tell me that my eyes were so pretty. We exchanged a few more comments and then she left. And that little interaction was enough to overwhelm me. At first I did think it was just flattery, but I kept thinking about it the next day, and about how emotional I had been about my bf's friend coming out, and I slowly started realizing I might be Bi. However I was only certain after watching people coming out stories from Bi people. It all just felt so much like what I am going through right now. I am sorry this was a long message, and story, I hope I didn't bore you . Did people reacted well when you came out?
Hey chanty. I can totally relate to the whole loving reading coming out stories. I also really rooted for certain lgbt couples on tv way more than straight ones and got super defensive when someone made an offensive comment. I’m in a pretty conservative family (church every Sunday, prayers every night kinda thing) so I was sheltered from anything having to do with the lgbtq community. I don’t think I really understood what it meant to be gay or bi until I went to summer camp and a bunch of the friends I made there were. Once I understood what it meant my viewpoint on the subject changed completely. Unfortunately, since I was so young my views were my mothers views which I find is the case for a lot of people until they grow up and become their own person. But after coming back from that camp it was like I was a whole new person. I didn’t realize I was bi myself until about the end of freshman year when I got a huge crush on this girl in my class. I didn’t tell anyone for another two years. When I did, my siblings and friends were super supportive. My parents told me they loved me no matter what even though they have their own beliefs (it’s a complicated situation) keeping it a secret for so long is one of my biggest regrets and I felt like I was betraying this huge part of myself. Like by not telling anyone I was making some admission of guilt or something. You came out to yourself which is hard on its own. I wish I could give you better advice and tell you exactly what to do but the only person who knows your situation is you. Trust your heart and tell who you want to tell. This is a really awesome part of who you are and you get to decide who knows about it and when. If you’re not ready to tell some people but ready to tell other people that’s 100% fine. You do you. Sorry for the shear size of this paragraph but I had a lot to say How do you think your family will react when you eventually tell them?
Hey again, firstly I think I should tell you thank you for replying, I think feeling lonely with no one to share my situation and concerns is the worst part of it, and thanks to you I am feeling a little less alone. To be hones I am considering not coming out ever to my family. They are not homophobic people, although anytime I talk about Bi friends of mine they always say "So essentially they settle for anything that breaths" which is an Italian expression for "They are not Bi, just desperate for a relationship and attention. If I told my dad he would just say "ok" and the awkwardly walk away and kind ignore it (He is very, very sweet but sooo awkward when it comes to emotionally confusing situations). My mom on the other hand would react quite the opposite. Firstly she would tell me her opinion which is "My friend's daughter also said she liked a girl but it was just a phase, so is your" and then ask me a million questions but not listening to my answers, and then would proceed to tell everyone else about me, even if I asked her not to, and not necessarily report the truth. She doesn't have mean intentions, that is just how she is. I really love her but I am not ready to go through that. I am thinking about telling my friends eventually, but with them I have a different problem. We are all friends with each others, and once a secret is out to one, is out to all. Therefore to be able to tell them myself I would need to tell them all at once. They would be supportive, especially because quite a few of them are Bi themselves, but telling a whole group I feel can be a lot. If you would like to keep sharing, (Don't feel obligated to): Is there a difference between how you feel about guys vs girls? and would you date someone outside of those two genders?
I don’t mind talking about it. What a lot of people don’t understand is that it is a spectrum. Like it’s not just gay, bi, or straight. So while I like both genders, I prefer girls. I’d say it’s about 65-35. To answer your other question, I live in a pretty small town and haven’t met anyone like that so I don’t really know. What about you?
To be honest I am not sure right now. I feel like I prefer guys, however I am worried that is just because that is what I have been used to want my entire life. Now that I am questioning what I believed and considering things I feel like my feelings between guys and girls are becoming more and more similar. It is not 50-50 right now but I have no idea what percentage is each. However I do think I am attracted to guys and girls differently, what attracts me in guys I feel like it is not what attracts me to girls. However I feel very confused and I have no idea where I stand currently
That’s totally fine. You only realIzed that you are bi very recently. It makes sense that you are still exploring your attractions. It can take people years to accept themselves for who they are. If you prefer guys, cool. If you prefer girls, cool. If its 50-50 then that’s cool too. There is no need to put a label on it. There is also no rush to figure it all out. Take whatever time you need to explore and figure it all out. Don’t feel like the second your bf comes back that you need to tell him. As I said earlier, you get to choose when to tell people, or if to tell them at all. I also agree with you that the attraction to guys is different than the attraction to girls. Yes, they are both attractions, but they come with different feelings. It’s hard to explain or to put words to, and you don’t have to. You feel what you feel. You said earlier that you don’t plan on telling your family. That’s okay. I can’t state enough how this is your experience and you have control over who knows. You don’t have to tell them. Maybe years in the future if you get a girlfriend or something then you can let them know. I’m glad though that you found empty closets because reaching out to others (even complete strangers) is a wonderful first step. I’m not going to lie. This next period of your life is most likely going to be a defining one. It will be scary, lonely and confusing at times. But it will also be beautiful and happy because you are discovering who you are as a person. My advice is to find people you can talk to (even if it is just anonymous web forums) and take the time to discover who you are. This won’t happen right away. It will probably take months to understand it all, which is completely normal. Hell, it took me an entire year. But do so on your own terms. I’m glad that I have offered some help on your journey. It’s important to know that you aren’t not alone and that there is most likely some kid in the town over going through something similar to you. Be happy because you now have the opportunity to get with some really hot chicks in the future If you have anymore questions then ask away and I will try my best to help you through them
Well thank you very much for the support, it was very much needed. I will definitely take my time exploring my feelings, and all.
Welcome to the community, Chanty :3 Well given that he was quite supportive of his friend, I am sure he will most likely be supportive of you when you come out to him. Just be yourself when you open up, don't feel like you will mess things up (easier said than done of course) but you coming out won't mess things, it is apart of you and I think he would understand.
A while ago I wrote here about how I was worried about coming out to my boyfriend when he was gonna come back from the US and I wanted to write a little update. After arriving, I went to get him to the airport and on the train he asked me what I wanted to tell him (I later found out he thought I was pregnant when I told him we needed to talk about something and did not expect me coming out at all). So, although I was super scared, and it took me a good 5 minutes I told him: --"I don't think I am fully straight". --He "You mean to tell me you are bisexual?" --Me: "Yes"-- Him: "Do you still love me?" -- Me: "Yes, that didn't change". Then he thought quietly to himself for what I thought was a week, but probably just about a minute, and then he said "So are you team boobs or team ass?" and then got annoyed when I told him that I did prefer boobs. The for about 5 minutes in which he kept making jokes (I think his way of processing) He told him that as long as it did not change things between us. He did have more questions then and throughout the day about me finding out, and what it meant, but overall he was very supportive. Although I am not ready to tell other people yet, I do feel very happy he knows.
I will admit, I only read your original post and I know you've probably already come out, but I did want to say something. I obviously have no authority in saying anything but I just wanted to tell you that everything will go just fine. Just make sure you tell him that you still love him and that you being bisexual won't change anything. I mean he definitely shouldn't ignore it, but if he changes his opinion about you because your bi than ditch his ass. Edit: I just read your update post and I'm so happy things went well
Hey chanty! I’m so glad that things went well with your boyfriend. It’s really good that you told someone and I’m so happy that he was accepting. Everything is going to work out and you can tell your friends and family in your own time or not at all. I think it’s so funny how his first reaction was the joke about the team boob/ass. I feel like that just shows that he is okay with it. Please do not hesitate to ask more questions and to come to EC for more advice!
