I was the “straight” friend you had a crush on 40 years ago

Hi all,

Looking for advice. I’ve read so much “is my crush straight, this is killing me” in this forum. In short, should I reach out to my friend of 40 years ago? Or is that just compounding pain?

YOU CAN SKIP THIS LETTER DRAFT if you wish:

Dear Friend,

First I apologize: I’m sorry, you were my friend, all through my teens, and you noticed something in me that I could not identify. It resonated with who you were. I loved you as a friend, a bff, but that was not enough, and I’m sorry I hurt you. After a while we moved apart, and you and I dropped contact. I really am sorry about that too. It is a really good thing you went on with your life, rather than just hoping I’d notice you in a new way — because who knew it would take 40 years for me to notice my bisexuality emerging from my heterosexual sense of self. Even now I’m afraid I just phrased that wrong. I’m not coming on to you, I’m looking to reconnect with a friend, to let you know about my life, and to thank you for truly seeing something in me when we were teens. I’m not looking to change my life or yours. Just a sincere sorry and thanks.

I am reluctant to reach out though. I’m sorry, when I reached out to you back when your father died, you got so flustered on the phone that day. You said you couldn’t handle talking with me then, and I understood... I was trying to be supportive after such a stretch of silence, but I felt bad it had made things worse for you, emotionally. I didn’t want to do that, cause you any pain. I gave you my number. All these years later it still is the same number, but I haven’t heard from you.

Now a dozen years later, one of our friends from school died. We tried to reach you. I just learned that someone in our group knows how to reach you, but you didn’t reach back. I’m torn. Do I ask them to pass this note along to you? I’m not looking to disrupt your life or bring you more pain.

Best wishes to you.
Your Friend, DecentOne

TO HELP WITH MY QUESTION:
I’m speaking this out to the internet (well, to EC). And I’ll deal with this in therapy too. But I’d like to know from those of you who had a crush on a friend if contact like this would be appreciated or not.

 

Thanks MilansMele, for responding.

I took some time to think about what you wrote. It seems to me that if I’ve harmed someone I should say sorry once I realize what I’ve done. And to express gratitude, even if belatedly, for the ways someone has influenced my life. But I get your perspective, and would not want to be disruptive.

I’m particularly sensitive to the threads in this section of EC, especially the ones which are close to our story. So. Much. Pain.

 

Thanks.
In our case we never did anything and I never took anything back. I wasn’t in a closet. I just know now that my cluelessness and lack of reciprocation would have been painful.
Looking back, he seemed to so much about gay things: which bathroom had “bad” guys in it (his words), and trying unsuccessfully to convince me we needed to go to Fire Island (a different state) though he never expressed why (did he just assume I’d know what Fire Island was? I don’t know). He knew something was there.

If you have a suggestion on what I could do to redraft the letter to better convey what I’m trying to say, please don’t hesitate. I don’t think I’m going to send anything, so you don’t have to though.