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Parents ignored me coming out

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by NickFtm15, Aug 14, 2019.

  1. NickFtm15

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    So I'm 15 and just started high school.
    I wrote a letter to my parents coming out as trans for the THIRD time and they ignored it again. I told them I wanted to be referred to as Nick and use he/him pronouns and they continue to call me She and use my birth name and it makes me really uncomfortable. I don't know how to handle it anymore because they just keep brushing me off like I'm just gonna "grow out of it". My mom told me before "why would you want to be something you're not" and it really upset me.
    Any advise on how to handle this and make them understand?
     
  2. TwoFeech

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    Are your parents supportive and attentive otherwise? Do they tend to brush you off when you express your needs in general, or is it only about your coming out as trans? That might inform you a little in how to approach them in conversation.

    Sometimes it's more painful when otherwise loving people make something like this a sticking point.

    When they say something upsetting, you're not under any obligation to reply immediately, while you're upset. You can work through the best response you can give, and explain later how what they said made you feel. The usual conflict resolution formula, for instance: "When you asked me why I would want to be something I'm not, I felt that you meant the real me is what you see on the outside. I want to be who and what I feel like I am on the inside."

    In the meantime, let some of your fashion choices help you depict that masculine exterior that you want, if you happen to like having a masculine look as well as the dialogue tags. It'll be harder for them to forget what the real you looks like, if you dress and act like the real you.

    And be the best real you that you can be. High school is rough, try not to make it harder on yourself by letting people get to you too much.

    Maybe you can ask your parents why they are so dismissive. You could write another letter with a direct question, if you think voices will be raised over it.

    Can you go by the name Nick at school? Will teachers call you by whatever name you choose? (You don't have to tell them why, if you don't want to; you can just say you like to be called Nick.) And if everyone gets in the habit of calling you Nick, your parents will hear it often, which might get them used to it.

    You can't really *make* anyone understand. They might understand in time, they might get it after enough clear communication on your part, or they might not. They might choose not to. They might be uncomfortable and embarrassed around others, if they do this for you. So while you continue to ask them nicely to call you by the name you prefer to be called by, remember that your own pride in yourself, making yourself someone you can be proud of, is going to ultimately be more important down the road than whether your parents are capable of wrapping their brains around this.

    And try to be patient with them. My sister changed her preferred name (different nickname of the same given name) and it took a long, long time of her gently reminding everyone of it to really have everyone's habit changed. We'd all known her for her whole life, so it was a difficult thing to remember. One of our aunts still calls her by her younger name, she doesn't see her that often and hasn't changed the habit, and it's been many years. (I'm ftm but I love my feminine first name, and I don't want to change it.)

    It really stings to be called by the wrong pronoun, etc, but it's extremely easy for other people to either unintentionally slip up or to outright refuse to change because it makes them uncomfortable. When you feel someone is really trying for you, pleasantly remind them, or let it slide if you don't care that much about their opinion. Frankly I don't mind if people call me "she" if I know they *know* I'm a he and they only forgot for the moment, or they don't know but I am sure they would support me if I told them. With your parents, you have to spend a lot of time with them anyway, for better or worse, and presumably they will be supporting you through high school, so you have some time to relax and try and work this out.

    On the other hand, if this is really upsetting and aggravating you, *you do not have to prove anything to anyone*. You don't have to work at training your parents to do this for you--if they won't do it, you can work instead on being at peace with that, if that is a healthier option for you. It does not make you more trans, it does not make this more real, if they accept you. You don't need their acceptance to make you real. You are yourself no matter what.

    Possibly start with just the name. You could approach it from the direction your parents took it in. Try to be sincere, not sarcastic with them, and say something like: "Since it's just a phase, you can indulge me in it and no harm will be done, right? I like to be called Nick."

    Train everyone to call you Nick. Whenever you have to introduce yourself by your given name, or your parents do so, add with a smile, "But everyone calls me Nick." Make your external "you" the one you want yourself to be, as best you are able. And try not to hang everything on what your parents think. Be civil to them, but ... well, I'm a long, long time out of high school and I still struggle with parental approval issues. It can be hard. Ask yourself what matters the most in any given scenario. For instance, is it just too painful for you to play along with your parents in certain social situations, with people you hardly ever have to see? It might be something you'll find important enough to dig your heels in over. It depends on your priorities and how hard it is for you, and every situation might be different.

    Find other things about yourself that are important, too, what creative endeavors and scholastic things you want to get good at; be more than your gender, even though it hurts when people ignore you.

    Take care, and good luck in high school!
     
    #2 TwoFeech, Aug 14, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2019
    Lek and NickFtm15 like this.
  3. NickFtm15

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    I tried to do what I can but my parents refuse to accept me. I've been feeling like this for years and I brought it up today which ending up in a fight and I'm very upset. I think my parents are forcing THEIR feelings on me and ignoring mine because I'm "a child". I've had no desire to return to live as my birth gender and keep trying to get my gender recognized as school by maybe talking to my school counselor. My dad told me he will refuse to call me by my preferred gender and name, and won't help me until I'm 18. I told him EXACTLY how I feel and how his actions made me feel to just get more upset as he got angry and he told me I was being an "asshole" because I won't listen to his HE feels about my gender when I WAS in fact listening but, he refused to listen to how I felt about it and proceeded to push what HE wanted into ME. I feel really upset about it and as they are the closest thing I'll have to feeling accepted I feel really upset.

    I don't want to wait that long. It hurts too much that they don't want to listen to me. Please respond I don't know what to do anymore.
     
  4. TwoFeech

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    I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry to hear your father resorted to name-calling.

    The more you tell your friends/peers that you like to be called Nick, the more comfortable you might gradually become in telling them why you like that name, but you can ask to be called that without coming out. Lots of girls have boyish nicknames. So even though your dad has decided not to help you yet, you can still go by the name you choose in social settings.

    You can also vent online about your feelings. I see you've only posted here a couple of times. When you've made ten posts, you can post on other users' walls or profile pages. You can look at posts made by other teens, in the gender expression forum, and reply to them. Then when you've got your ten minimum posts, you can strike up conversations with some other teens on their profile walls.

    Maybe after a cooling-off period, you could give your parents some printouts meant for parents and families, to help them understand gender identity issues? Only do this if you feel safe doing so, of course. It's okay to let them think you've dropped the subject. Again, you do not have to prove anything to them.

    Your parents aren't accepting you right now. Try to find other ways to accept yourself, and to find others who accept you. Ask at school about local LGBT meetings; maybe you could go after school, or with a friend or two. I know how it feels to want your parents' acceptance, but if they are incapable of giving it, you MUST find some way to survive without it for now. This is about your physical and mental health, you MUST take care of yourself. I think talking to the school counselor is a great idea.

    I'm still struggling with this concept myself. The more disapproving or critical a parent is, the more it seems like you need them to approve--that's what it feels like to me, anyway. If they weren't so critical, it wouldn't hurt so much. I don't know why your parents think it is so important to deny this part of you, but you can't force them to change. So you have to protect yourself emotionally. It's especially important that you get healthy exercise and at least seven hours of sleep most nights, so you don't hurt your physical health and make your emotional situation worse. One of the best kind of exercises you can do is walking. Some high schools have morning run/walk practice before classes; could you get to school early for something like that?

    You must be your own strongest ally. Then you can collect others. I know it's lonely. :frowning2: Your parents have the authority in this situation, but they don't have authority over your feelings. It's normal to feel hurt, but don't panic. Don't think about how long this will go on--take it one day, one hour at a time if you have to.
     
  5. NoName87

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    Really sorry for the situation your in. Congrats on sticking up for yourself, you appear to have strong soul

    Food for thought-
    How long have you been out to your parents?
    Could it be possible they are still grieving the loss of what they thought was their daughter? Denial, anger, depression, etc.
    How educated are they on trans issues?
    Do they want what’s best for you?

    ABSOLUTELY no excuse for your parents actions and comments but it’s important to understand where they are coming from. It sounds like you need time for your family to heal. Stay strong and true to your self and others and I doubt things will turn out unhealthy.

    Best of Luck Nick!