Denial in Retrospect - What's it like?

1. ive heard of people who did. personally i rationalized them away with various excuses, like i was just very lonely. I never understood my crushes for other men, thought I just really admired them.

2. oh yeah lol

3. on some level I always knew my sexuality, so yes and no. On a conscious level it seemed like it was changing gradually, as my defense mechanisms wore out and fell away, but looking back I dont think so. My body certainly changed though as this took place over the course of years. at 13 i was revvved up if someone just mentioned an erotic word, its a bit easier to sustain an illusion that your attracted to woman at an age where you could cum in your pants from words. lol.

4. when i first hit puberty i was so damn horny everything got me aroused, but the things that got me off werent girls. I never, ever, masturbated to the idea of having sex with a girl, but there was quite a few years where I would masturbate to titillating ideas of sex and wouldnt put men into my fantasies. It obviously didnt work extremely well, and I gradually had to include more and more gay fantasies into my fantasies as I got older and levelled out hormonally.

5. yeah of course. I self identified as straight for so long, even though it was kind of obvious I wasnt it still shocked me to an extent when i had to accept the truth.

6. uhh on my end i spent years as a drunk and a pot head and gradually my unhappyness and the rationalizations couldnt sustain themselves, plus I aged and realized how many of my anxieties and fears were baseless, how shallow life was without love, etc. It was real gradual to be honest, I didnt even let myself consciously think about men until i was almost 20, and I didnt really come to terms with how much I really liked guys until i was 25.

7. I feel great, maybe a little embarrassed in not noticing and accepting the obvious, but hey.

 

1. Are there any of you who simply didn't notice their same-sex attractions at an earlier age, or perhaps completely misinterpreted them as something else?

I was aware of my attractions to boys when I hit puberty and beyond. However, I was taught at an early age that boys who like boys should be ashamed of themselves. Out of my shame, I simply shut down any thoughts or actions that seemed "gay." Over time, those thoughts and feelings would become compartmentalized and easily dismissed as aberrant thoughts. I lived in denial not by being unaware of these thoughts and feelings, but by simply detaching their meaning or importance. I considered it my "big secret" that no one could ever know about. So, for me at least, I was certainly aware of it all, but yet not fully aware of the meaning or long-term consequences of these thoughts and feelings.

2. Would other people pick up on the signs & clues in your behaviour earlier than you did?

Apparently so, because plenty of people told me they already knew when I came out. Here I was thinking it was such a big secret that I carried for all those years, but some people just have excellent gaydar. I don't.

3. Did it feel as if your sexuality was slowly morphing or changing over time?

Not really. I changed my definition of my sexuality over time, however. I believe this was the process of unraveling my denial. As I grew older, and society's acceptance of homosexuality increased, the stigma of being gay slowly lifted over time. During that time, my thoughts on my own sexuality changed along with it, and my eventual acceptance began to percolate in my brain. In order to accept myself, I went through stages of thinking that I was bisexual or other labels in order to justify my feelings about men. But did my actual sexuality change? No, I think the only real change was how I identified my orientation and my feelings about it.

4. How "authentic" were your opposite-sex attractions earlier in life, if indeed you had any? How did they compare to your same-sex attractions?

I did not have any opposite-sex attractions. I still don't. I was able to convince myself that what I felt for my wife was real. And there were real feelings, by the way. Just not the right feelings. I married my best friend, and she and I still get along just like we always have. But I confused the love of a best friend with the love one should have for a wife, and they simply aren't the same.

5. Did you ever worry that you were misinterpreting your memories or your feelings? Worried that you were faking it? That you were slowly going insane, almost like you're being brainwashed or losing touch with reality?

Yes, yes and yes. And more. Of course, there were many times that I questioned what I was doing, whether my feelings were real (both heterosexual and homosexual) or not. However, fear and shame were powerful motivators for me.

6. How did you finally come to terms with it all? How difficult was it to accept? What steps did you take to achieve this?

This is the million dollar question, isn't it? How did I come to terms with being gay? After the death of my father in 2014, like so many people who lose a parent in mid-life, I began to question my life's choices. It's a common story of the death of a parent causing me to come to terms with my own mortality for the first time, and begin to think about my own life and what I have done with it. This led me to some serious discussions with myself and finally admitting (to myself) that I'm gay. Unfortunately, I was married with two children, and the euphoria of finally coming out to myself was quickly deflated by the realization that I was a gay man in a marriage to a woman with two kids. Out of fear for what might happen if I told anyone, and combined with my own disgust at myself for what I had done, I decided that I had made my own bed and now had to lie in it. I had to put the genie back in the bottle and forget all about it. Of course, that didn't happen, because I didn't know at the time that my act of coming out to myself negated any possibility of returning to a state of denial. After two more years of living in that purgatory, I finally came out following a near-breakdown after the Pulse massacre in Orlando in 2016. How difficult was it to accept? Extremely difficult. It took me years to do so. I will add here that if I had availed myself of some therapy during all of this, it might have been easier and quicker to reach a point of acceptance. But that would have required being able to explain to my wife why I needed to see a therapist, so it just didn't happen. I do recommend professional help to get through these issues.

7. How do you feel now?

Free.

 

The best advice I can give overall is just to not rush things. I definitely understand being confused, and feeling like I'd never truly find out who I am. I feel like I got extremely lucky to figure it out as young as I did. Think of it this way, if it helps: You're the main character of a story. But not just any story, your story. You can write yourself however you please, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You can make your story as funny or as dramatic as you wish (metaphorically, of course)! But it isn't a good idea to develop that character so quickly. You need time to work out some kinks and flaws.

I hope this helped!!

 

I can describe what it's like being in denial of your sexuality- it's like you look up at the sky on a sunny day, clearly see that the sky is blue, but you tell yourself it's red and that you're seeing red. Similarly, I used to look at men and women, and clearly see that I was attracted to men and not women, but tell myself it's the opposite and what I feel for men really isn't so.
As for your questions:

I noticed them since age 5. At first I had no idea what it was, but assumed everyone else felt the same attraction to shirtless men. When I was 10-11 I assumed that the attractions to men would go away and I'd find myself growing attractions to women, and when I was 15 and that wasn't happening, I began seriously questioning if I was gay. I tried pushing the thoughts away but they wouldn't go down.

Nobody in person, but a few people online in my YouTube videos.

No.

Completely forced and artificial. The feelings I have for women are nothing compared to those for men.

No.

Honestly, all I really did was say the words "I am gay" to myself a few times on February 22, 2014, and felt a bit relaxed, and no longer felt any need to keep denying it to myself.

Good... I guess. The only times I even think about my sexuality anymore is usually when I'm on here.

 

1. No, I knew I had same sex attraction at a very young age. I thought there was something wrong with me and when and where I grew up. You were a freak if you were anything but straight and christian. But I knew I liked boys but I had no idea how to deal with it.

2. Yes, probably why everyone thought I was gay in high school. Lol I mean I was I just wasn’t public about it. I got my heart crushed by a guy I had been with and started dating girls and the rumors stopped but they all new even the girls I dated.

3. No, for me it’s always been the same. It’s just that being in the closet became too much for me to deal with. I hate that I hid and lied for so long. And while I don’t regret either of my marriages or my six children. I wish I would if had the courage to always be me and not wait till 40 to come out.

4. Much like I can look at a painting and see beauty. I can still see beauty in the opposite sex. I just have no sexual desire for it. The two women I married I became close intimate friends with. And yes there was some sex in them it was the friendships that made them last as long as they did. My same sex attractions are far more powerful and sex with a man actually makes me feel fulfilled. There was always an emptiness with women.

5. When I was forcing myself to live a straight life yeah, I felt like it was driving me crazy. I would have battles with depression and anger and the emptiness made me not want to live. I don’t think I fabricated anything in my mind I pretty much feel everything and wear my emotions like badges. I realize now that me, being afraid of my family is what caused me to be empty, angry and depressed. And while I haven’t come out to all of them. I am coming out to my parents this weekend and it will be the last hurdle I’m really stressed about. Once that’s done I feel that all the weight will be gone.

6. I was in counseling for PTSD (I did 3 tours in Iraq) and at one session my therapist asked why I was so angry at everything. I burst into tears and looked at her. It was like a switch flipped inside my head. I said I am gay, I don’t know how to deal with it because of how I was raised. I love my wife and kids but still feel so unfulfilled. I hate that I have lived this lie for 33 years when I knew as a kid I liked boys. She looked at me and said everything that is love is from God. It’s ok to be you. I came out to my wife a couple days later. We made it work for about 6 more years to raise the kids. Intimacy became even less frequent. A year and a half before we divorced she told me to go do what I have always wanted to do(drive truck over the road) I knew she was ready to move on with her life at that point so I did. And we got divorced she is still my best friend. I came out to my older kids when I got divorced. And everyone else I have told along the way. The steps were really therapy, journaling my feelings and thoughts and trying to make sense of it all. Then I hit a point where I was just ready to not live in fear anymore. I am who I am. I can chose to accept that and be me. Unfortunately I may lose more people than I already have along the way but I just hit a point at 38-39 where I was completely done hiding.

7. I feel joy, I am happy most of the time. I love me even when no one else does. I am not as self conscious about my body. When I do have sex or a relationship with someone I actually feel fulfilled. I get to be me. And that’s the best feeling ever when you have had to hide and lie your whole life.

 

I really love your sky analogy here!

 

I was aware of my attractions to boys when I hit puberty and beyond. However, I was taught at an early age that boys who like boys should be ashamed of themselves. Out of my shame, I simply shut down any thoughts or actions that seemed "gay." Over time, those thoughts and feelings would become compartmentalized and easily dismissed as aberrant thoughts. I lived in denial not by being unaware of these thoughts and feelings, but by simply detaching their meaning or importance. I considered it my "big secret" that no one could ever know about. So, for me at least, I was certainly aware of it all, but yet not fully aware of the meaning or long-term consequences of these thoughts and feelings.

very well put/accurate to my experience as well.

 

1. Are there any of you who simply didn't notice their same-sex attractions at an earlier age, or perhaps completely misinterpreted them as something else?

Both. I didn't notice them, and I didn't notice them for what they were. I thought it was weird that I had such intense feelings for various girls/women, but I tend to be a more intense person personality wise so I wrote it off as that. I do also think at a younger age my attractions for guys outweighed my attraction to girls. I was a very conservative Christian and one was definitely more acceptable then the other.

2. Would other people pick up on the signs & clues in your behaviour earlier than you did?

Nope. The two people who I know from back then have said that I was the last person they would have thought was gay. One of them is very pro-LGBT, so I know it's not prejudice, at least in her case. My parents are dead so I can't ask them. But I have bipolar disorder that hit in my preteens, and the issues that caused kind of overwhelmed my developing sexuality in some ways.

3. Did it feel as if your sexuality was slowly morphing or changing over time? It did. I went from attracted to both girls and guys but guys more then girls to attracted to girls primarily, to attracted to girls pretty much only. I was married for 18 years, and I was attracted to my spouse most of the marriage, but he was the only guy I was attracted to. But I was strongly attracted to girls; all my fantasies were same sex, for example.

4. How "authentic" were your opposite-sex attractions earlier in life, if indeed you had any? How did they compare to your same-sex attractions?

They were authentic. I wouldn't have got married if at least one of them wasn't authentic, and they're why I say I'm bi and not lesbian, even though I can't see myself being with a man ever again.

5. Did you ever worry that you were misinterpreting your memories or your feelings? Worried that you were faking it? That you were slowly going insane, almost like you're being brainwashed or losing touch with reality?

Not for me. When I started looking at all this it made sense of memories and feelings that had not made any sense. I have worried I'm faking it, because my pre-teen and teen "leaning" was more towards guys. But I can think of some reasons why that might be the case.

6. How did you finally come to terms with it all? How difficult was it to accept? What steps did you take to achieve this?

I don't know if I am at terms with it in some ways. I'm comfortable with it within myself but saying it publicly is still strange. I just went on my first date with a woman here recently. It took me three years after I told someone "I think I might be gay" to where I actually came out. I dealt with it by going back in the closet for the better part of that three years, which is a method I don't recommend; you'll save yourself a lot of wasted time and anguish if you don't take that path. For a while I obsessed over it, I read over it constantly, I wrote in my journal nonstop since I really had no one to talk to. Then it hit me- when have I felt the most happy and fulfilled in my life- and it was the two periods where I was out to some degree. It didn't take me long after that.

7. How do you feel now?

I feel good. I'm mostly out. I'm trying to date. Everyone has said that they can see a drastic difference in me. Probably the biggest difference I've noticed is that I used to be pretty chronically suicidal, and now I'm not. And I had tried EVERYTHING short of ECT and was willing to try that. I feel at peace.

 

1. Are there any of you who simply didn't notice their same-sex attractions at an earlier age, or perhaps completely misinterpreted them as something else?

Yes and yes. I’m very late to the party. In the era I grew up, it still just wasn’t talked about. Those suspected were teased. Out people lived in places like The Village or San Francisco, the rest of us lived everywhere else.

I always considered girl’s bodies to be more attractive than boy’s bodies. But I assumed that was normal to think ... look at society’s marketing of women’s bodies.

I had boyfriends and then a husband up until 2012. But with the exception of one in college, none of the sexual experiences were satisfying. I actually accepted that this was normal for me. (It might be, I don’t yet have a lesbian experience as comparison)


2. Would other people pick up on the signs & clues in your behaviour earlier than you did?

Apparently yes. My college aged (Pan) daughter has told me on more than occasion that I should start dating again and specifically stated man or woman as long as they made me happy. My BFF is the one who started me even thinking I might actually be queer through gentle jokes that allowed me to use laughter to try on some of the labels. And then go home and scour the internet.


3. Did it feel as if your sexuality was slowly morphing or changing over time?

Yes. But like my entire adult life, I was oblivious to it. The most recent is the sense of fear every time I thought of dating again. I wrote it off as a reaction from a psychological abusive marriage. The idea of having another man in my life was kind of eww. I kept saying I wanted companionship but my idea of returning to relationships was “go home when I’m done with you”. But then, so many years of disappointing sex really wasn’t motivating me to go for that either. I basically shut all that off.

As I started researching, I started discovering behaviors and changes in behaviors that lead me to where I am now.


4. How "authentic" were your opposite-sex attractions earlier in life, if indeed you had any? How did they compare to your same-sex attractions?

I thought my opposite sex attractions were genuine. They were then. In hindsight, I can see some trends.

I don’t have anything to compare them to. Queer really wasn’t part of my vocabulary back then. It was more fantasy and not recognizing it for what it was.


5. Did you ever worry that you were misinterpreting your memories or your feelings? Worried that you were faking it? That you were slowly going insane, almost like you're being brainwashed or losing touch with reality?

No.

I do mistrust my newfound realizations. I haven’t tested them yet. What if I’m completely wrong? What if I’m completely right? Both bring different sets of challenges.


6. How did you finally come to terms with it all? How difficult was it to accept? What steps did you take to achieve this?

Still working on this one.

7. How do you feel now?

Still confused and a little scared.

 

1. I noticed them, but I denied it at first. Usually incorrectly putting it down to admiration or jealously.

This isn't a crush, I'm just jealous. Yeah, or I think they're cool and admire them. That's it. Which is why I feel so nervous. Guess I'll try to avoid them from now on so I don't feel this way. But this doesn't mean anything.

However, I still worked out things fairly early on. I started dating this guy when I was quite young, since our peers pressured us into a relationship and I'd hoped that the feelings would develop overtime. Neither of us were all that keen on the relationship, and kept delaying doing dating things. We both put it down to wanting to take it slow, but deep down we knew we weren't all that invested in acting like a couple.

I tried to convince myself that I liked him that way, because people called us a power couple and went to me for relationship advice. The idea of having this great romance was amazing, I felt more respected by my peers. I knew that it was something of lie, but I kept it going.

2. People would make gay jokes or imply it about me. Also, when I started dating the guy I mentioned before, I had teachers remarking "I give them a week". Two teachers were arguing about this one time. Interestingly, some people thought that we were such a great couple, and others would act surprised and ask "Are you sure you're dating?"

3. I felt like it was failing to develop. There was another guy, and I had the urge to hold his hand. I thought this is it, I'm finally having a crush. However, when I did hold his hand I felt nothing. This is it? I thought whilst disappointed. Then I lost all interest in him and I wondered if I'd done something wrong. I also wasn't interested in any of the boy bands my classmates adored, but sometimes I pretended to be.

4. At the time I felt conflicted about them. I certainly wanted to believe that they were authentic, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing somehow. A part of me wondered if I was doing it wrong. Why were the feelings just randomly dying before ever fully starting? I asked myself. Then I had my first crush, but unexpectedly I found it to be on a girl. I was not happy about this and denied it to myself.

5. Hmm, well a part of the denial I went through briefly did include I'm not gay or anything, the girls who I have uh... admiration for... are just messing with me! They're purposefully trying to make me doubt this / get in my head! But not really, no.

6. The internet sometimes helped. It taught me what the LGBT community was, before then I'd just thought that you were either gay or straight. (At that point, I wasn't aware of bisexuality or asexuality etc). Unfortunately, I had some misconceptions on what it actually meant for someone to be gay. I thought that gay people were inherently bad. Then I found myself having feelings for this girl and started having an identity crisis. I started looking up "Am I not straight?" and other questions. Which lead to me finding YouTubers who answered the questions I had, and even talked about the misconceptions I was beginning to wonder about. I found discussions and useful terms. Hearing other people's stories was useful. My journey to accepting myself wasn't always easy, I had to confront my previous ideas of what it meant to not be straight and also deal with homophobic bullying. Along with experiencing ignorant teachers, including my homophobic sex-ed educator.

7. I accept it for the most part. However, due to the bullying I've been through I do sometimes still tense up when trying to come out to people. Unfortunately, a memory of a physical attack does have a tendency to creep into my mind and leave me speechless when I try to talk about being gay when talking with a new crowd. But it's slowly lessening its grip on me. I'm kind of annoyed at myself for still being held back by my memories, but at least I'm making progress. These days I have one gay friend, two straight friends and an LGBT group IRL that I can easily talk to about this stuff casually without starting to tremble. I'm learning to work through the nerves, to reduce the power my memories have over me. But it's not always easy. I'm still not used to letting people get close.

 

i so appreciate these thoughtful answers. I can relate so much to them, especially the first question and how you shut down any same sex attraction. I did a very similar thing. Shame and shut down.

I’m wondering if you could elaborate a little more on your answer to the fourth question. You talk about marrying your best friend, having feelings for her but not loving her as you should a wife. Now that you’re not on the other side with a little more hindsight, could you try to explain the difference? I realize that it’s kind of an impossible task, but if you can attempt it I’m all ears. I’ve recently come out as bi, but in the back of my mind I’m wondering if even that is true. I know the feelings I had for my husband, but he is the only man I’ve ever been with, whereas I can now remember multiple women I probably would have pursued had I allowed myself at the time.

na

 

I didn’t recognise my feelings for what they were.

Yes – apparently tons of people thought I was gay.

No, not really, but my understanding of my orientation has changed over time.

When I was at school I used to get opposite sex crushes which were super intense – they would completely dominate my thought life. My same-sex crushes were different: I wanted to be around them all the time and I thought they were really cool, but I didn’t get the “I want to date you” feeling and they weren’t as intense, so I brushed it all off as just a strong desire to be friends rather than the crushes that they were.

Yes, but this didn’t happen until I started questioning.

It was very difficult. There was a lot of internalised homophobia to work through and my gender fluidity kept interfering in some really messed-up ways. Being turned on triggered both gender switches and severe dysphoria. Attraction to people triggered gender switches to align with their gender, and in the early days I had multiple switches per day anyway, often with overlapping genders. There were several nights where I couldn’t work out what my gender even was when I felt attracted to my partner. Eventually I concluded that I’m pansexual, because I am attracted to people regardless of their gender or sex.

I did a lot of self-reflection, talking to my partner, talking to a counsellor, reading articles on the net and posting questions here.

Much freer, and it’s easier for me to accept myself and to accept others, though I still struggle with internalised homophobia and transphobia. I’m not there yet but I’m much closer than I was three years ago.

 

I first met her in high school, and we spent a lot of time together. We grew closer as friends and I certainly developed a love for her through that friendship. That love was platonic, however, since I didn't really have any sexual desire for her. She fell in love with me, and I grabbed at the opportunity to date her. Sex with her was actually pretty great, and being able to successfully have sex with her contributed greatly to my denial. Even though I didn't actually desire her in a sexual way, I was able to fake it basically. It always felt like it was putting on a performance and lacked authenticity. In my denial, however, I thought it was enough and I did actually enjoy the sex. Only I didn't understand that many years later I would no longer enjoy the sex, and in fact would become incapable of maintaining an erection. I didn't understand that it's much easier to be aroused when you're young.

You asked me to explain the difference. The difference is that a spouse should have a partner who is actually sexually attracted to him/her, and not just faking the sexual part. She and I were compatible in every way, except for that one. But that one is all the difference in the world when it comes to real lasting happiness.

 

You’ve given me a lot to think about. I think right now I’m trying to figure out if I can get attraction back or if it was not really there in the first place. It’s difficult, we’re in the throes of parenting young kids, time together is scarce and I’ve had many friends say this phase is a struggle. It’s no unusual thing for women to lack a sex drive at this time. So is this just the result of this phase of life and needing to do work within myself and within my relationship, or is this a not changeable thing? Million dollar question. Only time and work will tell.

 

I think that for me, because I am gay and not bisexual, I was aware that I never did really have sexual attraction for her, despite convincing myself that I did. My question for you - did you have real sexual attraction for your husband at least in the beginning? That may not be easy to answer, I know. I'm just not sure if you identify as bisexual but are thinking you are actually gay?

 

1. Are there any of you who simply didn't notice their same-sex attractions at an earlier age, or perhaps completely misinterpreted them as something else?

Misinterpreted - as it's often phrased, they were just women you "admired". Despite the fact that there was(is) a word for what it was, there was literally no room for it when everyone else's lives seemed to be hurriedly built around the opposite sex (for reasons I, of course, don't understand.) A depressing fact is that the first ever "representation" of w|w, the first time I ever heard of it, was as a porn category - a topic boys would talk loudly about wherever they could. So my impression was that it was literally about what *they* wanted, and that it was a joke of theirs that I'd better distance myself from.

2. Would other people pick up on the signs & clues in your behaviour earlier than you did?
Yeah. Some knew because they were told without my consent/before I was ready, as though I had no right to any boundaries A common theme.

3. Did it feel as if your sexuality was slowly morphing or changing over time?

Not really. It was a strangely instant realisation - after 're-wiring' and grasping what 'attraction' really meant, I was capable of distinguishing between what was real and where I just felt 'obligated' to direct my attention. However, while I knew it was strictly women, in the beginning there were (gradually less frequent) moments where I let myself give in to gender roles and concede that I might still "need" men as well.

4. How "authentic" were your opposite-sex attractions earlier in life, if indeed you had any? How did they compare to your same-sex attractions?

Didn't have any. Whenever I indicated that I did, it would have been a desperate attempt to fit in (which was particularly important considering it never felt like I had much else going for me - best to hang onto what I could I suppose.)

With women I liked, I wanted to be as close to them as possible, know everything about them etc. With guys, the furthest it ever went/has gone, with nothing limiting the imagination, is thinking "... he seems cool/like he'd be nice to hang out with."

5. Did you ever worry that you were misinterpreting your memories or your feelings? Worried that you were faking it? That you were slowly going insane, almost like you're being brainwashed or losing touch with reality?

Only to begin with. I was astounded because if I really had zero interest in boys, it seemed as though I should have noticed earlier. Then, as I became more aware of the surrounding circumstances, it became obvious (e.g. bullying, total lack of emotional support from anyone who was supposed to give a shit, etc.)

6. How did you finally come to terms with it all? How difficult was it to accept? What steps did you take to achieve this?

Just in itself it wasn't difficult, it was exciting. I finally knew how teenagers were supposed to feel - during what were supposed to be my teenage years, I couldn't behave or even *think* like teenagers are supposed to, and so even referring to myself as once being a "teenager" feels wrong. Looking back and noticing that, and what I missed out on, was the difficult part.

7. How do you feel now?

Left behind and alienated - but grateful that it didn't take me any longer than it did.

 

1. Are there any of you who simply didn't notice their same-sex attractions at an earlier age, or perhaps completely misinterpreted them as something else?
When I hit puberty by far my most intense sexual feelings for a guy..and romantic too.. I had pinings for girls in my high school, but they were remote, abstract and non sexual

2. Would other people pick up on the signs & clues in your behaviour earlier than you did?
When people did I got VERY agitated.

3. Did it feel as if your sexuality was slowly morphing or changing over time?
No I have fluctuations where I convince myself I can be satisfied with a woman but it never reaches the gay longings.

4. How "authentic" were your opposite-sex attractions earlier in life, if indeed you had any? How did they compare to your same-sex attractions?
I think I genuinely loved some girls and there were times I even enjoyed the sex. but whenever i had to 'fake it' i thought about a guy.

5. Did you ever worry that you were misinterpreting your memories or your feelings? Worried that you were faking it? That you were slowly going insane, almost like you're being brainwashed or losing touch with reality?
YES YES YES

6. How did you finally come to terms with it all? How difficult was it to accept? What steps did you take to achieve this?
Still working on that part...

7. How do you feel now?
When I just accept that I am gay I feel really good about it, but reality hits - I still look at women on the street, not interested in 99% of the guys out there.