I'm in a position where I have to come out quite soon. This is because I'm in a relationship, and it's soon getting to difficult not to be open about it to my parents. I'm coming to a crossroad where I either need to tell them, or my relationship will get very difficult to maintain. I'm know clearly what I want. I want to be with my boyfriend and the rational part of me surely tells me I should come out. But I have an overwhelming anxiety about it, which has always blocked me from telling. I seem never to "be ready". It's quite worrying seeing everybody saying "come out when you're ready". This is not going to happen to me it seems. It will be hell, regardless of when I do it. The main problems are that I'm a very private person with quite some social anxiety, and I never talked to my parents about anything private. I have no idea how to do it. I've tried for years(!) to think about the conversation or write a letter. I never come up with a decent plan. The second problem is that my parents are religious, especially my mom, who is also mentally ill. I'm very worried that she will go crazy (literaly) when I come out. Is there anyone who can give an advice on how to overcome overwhelming anxiety and just come out, even if I know the results will be bad (in terms of my relation to my parents)?
don't come out if it jeopardizes your safety. but if you have shelter and don't need to rely on your parents, the hardest thing is just getting it out. i didn't plan on coming out until i was an adult (i'm in highschool rn) but i came out unexpectedly early because, ha... i guess my brother saw the hints. he practically helped me come out for me, and just asked me straight to my face. i realized my chance and i took it, as if i didn't come out that time i would've had to endure a lot more pain for many more years. after that, it's like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. my mom didn't take it well, though. she doesn't accept me right now at least. i was ready for it, but it still hurts. that's just experience. i hope you will be safe and your mom won't all out crazy and hurt you. if it's better for you, you can come out through a text/letter i.e. not in person.
First, I agree with meltyblood, don't come out if you risk your well-being (kicked out of the house if you're underage and your parents are financially supporting you). Perhaps waiting until you are out of the house would be wiser. Second, you know your parents, so you would know better if their religious beliefs make them anti-gay. Not all religious people are homophobic, of course. Third, can you come out to relative (sibling, aunt/uncle, grandparents) that you trust? If so, their support would be helpful and they could be present when you tell your parents. And it can be a kind of rehearsal for coming out to your parents and a way to manage your anxiety (the more people you tell, perhaps, the better you can handle anxiety). Finally, maybe you actually are ready: "I know clearly what I want. I want to be with my boyfriend and the rational part of me surely tells me I should come out." Anxiety about coming out is normal, but it sounds like your anxiety tends to run the show, so to speak. Have you considered getting treatment for social anxiety? I searched for "how to come out to homophobic and/or religious parents" and found a lot of interesting and useful advice. I'm sure others here will have some good advice for you. Good luck and my best wishes to you and your boyfriend.
It's a hard feeling to explain. I just knew I had to do it and there would be no benefit in waiting. It always feels scary coming out. There was a time in my life where coming out to my dad was THE SCARIEST thing I thought I could do. Yet I've done that and other hard things, and still have a hard time coming out to random and/or insignificant people lol. Instead of "when you feel ready" somebody told me "when the benefits outweigh the negatives". Talking about personal things and coming out are always a bit tricky but get so much easier with practice. The level of vulnerability and the healthy way of talking about my emotions I can have now would have mindblown 2017 me. Something to think about - is coming out to your parents the next step? Or is it more of a "final" step? Perhaps you are delaying it because it's too daunting of a step too soon? Perhaps you'd be more comfortable coming out to people that for sure would take it well? Or people you are closer to? At the time I didn't realize I was doing it, but I came out to the "easiest" people and built a support network, got comfortable with more people knowing, then came out to the next toughest person.
I think you should come out. It's the only way to live the authentic life. You will feel so free and liberating afterwards. Do you live with your partner? The only caution, would coming out leave you homeless if your family asked you to leave? You don't have to come out face to face. I phoned my mum, though you could write them a letter, that could be best, or message them. I had a wife and kids, but I'm now living my authentic gay life and I'm really happy at nearly 44. Jon x
Hi ehm28. Sometimes there will never be a "right time", in which case preparation is probably the best route. I came out to a few safe friends to start with and, once I had a support network who could catch me if things went badly wrong, THEN I came out to my parents via a letter and just hoped for the best (I didn't feel ready, either). Are there any LGBTQ+ groups in your area?
Hey before I came out people used to say to me, you will know when you are ready and like you I used to think 'yeah right', I will never be ready. It was crazy though because like you I got into a relationship and then after a bit of time, I did feel ready. Now when I say ready that doesnt mean that I wasn't still worried and scared about doing it. Think of it like a set of scales, one side is your desire to come out and the other side is your fear of coming out. At the moment and up until now your fear of coming out is heavier and tipping the scales in that direction. As time passes, especially with a relationship your desire/need to come out will gain weight and that will start to tip the scales in the other direction. If you are anxious then my advice would be for a letter but of course it is completely up to you. If you are particularly concerned about your mum due to her mental health, could you perhaps speak to your dad about it first? You say they are religious, what is their general view on LGBT issues?
Coming out to my parents is more the "final step". I haven't told all of my friends, but the importance of my parents knowing I'm in a relationship is a bit more important. If you see what i mean. I'm not young really (end of 20's already) and I need to come out to them because I want to live with my boyfriend eventually. That would be impossible and quite ridiculous to try to hide. I don't really depend on my parents any more (moved out several years ago). It's more a fear of the devastating effect it can have on our relation, more than a fear of becoming homeless. My parents are religious and quite certainly against gay marriage, believing that homosexuality is a sin etc. But at the same time they are not necesserily directly homophobic, so I really don't know exactly what to expect. If I had the possibility, I would use time to work on my anxiety issues and maybe see a therapist. But since I'm working full time and have no money for therapy sessions, that is a bit difficult. With all the problems I have (years of depression and anxiety), I'm afraid it would take a long time to treat my social anxiety. I therefore have more of less concluded that I just need to find a way to come out despite the anxiety and shyness. I just seem to be unable to put words down, either in a letter or in a conversation.
Coming out even to accepting parents but if EC has taught me one thing it's that when it comes to an offspring parents can surprise you. Of course I cannot guarantee that they will be ok but during my time on EC I've seen plenty of out right homophobic parents have a change of heart when it comes to their son or daughter. I think sometimes when it is someone they know, they realise that the love is stronger.
