I dont even know where to begin. Last year I finally started pulling at the thread that I could be gay. I have done a super good job at surpressing it my whole life. I started pulling at that thread and came to the conclusion that I was gay but eventually pushed it back down. I am married with 3 kids. It was easy to go back to the status quoe. It li gered in my head but i kept brushing it away. Well in september my husband had to move 1800 miles away from us for work. With him being gone that thread popped up again and this time there was no pushing it back down. He got home yesterday to visit for the next month. Well this morning I ended up coming out to him. I didnt intend to but Im not good at lying to other people when I know the truth. Now im so scared that im not really a lesbian. In my heart it feels right but my head keeps telling me i could be wrong and now ive ruined everyones lives for nothing. This is a relief and horrible. Did anyone else have a similar experience and now things are fine? Are you happy?
Hi, I’ve not come out to my partner, but I’ve experienced self-doubt and I think it’s fairly common. It was a brave step! How did your husband react? And nobody’s life needs to be ruined, just altered and people will adapt. You being happier, will be better for your children.
Hey I haven't been in this situation myself but I don't think it's that uncommon and I had a similar experience when I first came out. I think it is more about stepping past the point of no return rather than it being likely that you are wrong. How did it go with your husband? I hope you are ok.
I just came out to my husband today, and it didn’t go very well. I expected anger, but I didn’t expect him to be so mean. He backed down in a talk we had later, but I’m still hurt. I’m also feeling scared that it’s not actually true. But mostly, I feel really free, and excited for the future. I just wish it didn’t have to come at his expense.
Even after being in a lesbian relationship for a year, I still sometimes question whether I'm just "pretending" to be a lesbian. I'm not. I really enjoy sex with my girlfriend. Ha! I think I've been conditioned from an early age by our heteronormative society and even while living my truth I still don't feel quite comfortable not being straight. I imagine others who grew up in similar situations experience this too. Everything centers on the assumption that people are hetero.
No, nothing specific. I think I’m just not used to doing something outside of the norm I grew up with. I’ve broken out of my pattern of doing what’s expected of me and sometimes it catches me off guard. Ha.
I'm terrified of my husband's reaction and right now can't imagine coming out to him. It's just something I can't really think about yet. I worry about questioning it all afterward, if I will have "ruined" everything if/when I do tell him. How did your husband react?
I'm so sorry that your husband reacted so poorly. Hopefully as you talk and move forward, he will be more understanding and kind. I am glad that you feel free and excited about the future. That's a wonderful feeling. I really expect my husband will react horribly. We've had a lot of issues in our marriage and have worked hard with a marriage therapist to get in a pretty good place, then I'm in therapy and have this realization that I really have ignored and explained away my sexual orientation. With all that we have been through, I expect he will be extremely angry and probably be pretty mean and blaming. And with two young kids, I just don't know when I'll ever be able to tell him. I don't want to hurt him or them.
Hi @CarlyBee - yes, it all sounds familiar. And, everyone's situation is different. A year and a half ago gay thoughts were raging through my head, and I decided I had to tell my wife. A year ago I did. We're still together, but it's not easy. I regard myself as bisexual, so I want to keep my marriage together and find an appropriate and acceptable way to experience my whole self. The situation is complicated by my wife’s attachment issues. If I had it to do all over again, I'd try harder to continually reassure my wife that I want to be with her, and also I'd try harder to keep the conversation about sexuality going. I no longer have the raging gay thoughts, so I often doubt myself. But when reason kicks in, I remember the MANY clues that tell me I'm not straight. It's as if that part of myself doesn't have to scream so loudly now that I'm listening. Good luck! And best wishes.
Hi @SarahP - I'm sorry that your talk with your husband didn't go well. It seems that for many people, learning that their spouse is not straight does not bring out the best in them. I think at some level they see it as a threat to their identity, and a big upset to their world. Whether or not you and your husband stay together, the best thing for both of you (in my opinion) is to live in truth and kindness. Best wishes!
Given that you've reached this point in your life (married, kids, stable RS) without it being an overwhelmingly clear factor to you, are you sure that you feel you are gay and not bisexual?
