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What does having self worth look like?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by I'mStillStanding, Aug 8, 2019.

  1. I'mStillStanding

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    I thought when I came out three and a half years ago that everything would be unicorns and rainbows. I mean after I finished the coming out tour, completed therapy, and got through my divorce (I was in a mixed orientation marriage when I accepted my sexuality). In all honesty though things have been super hard... and the last month have been even harder.

    I’ve been working through a lot of issues... childhood sexual abuse, bullying, family issues, anxiety, depression, and working on letting my walls down. That’s been the worst, because they’ve been up for most of my life. But I’m still struggling!

    Today in therapy I tried my best to distract my therapist because she wanted to talk about something I wanted to avoid today. My self esteem issues. Well, she wouldn’t let up and finally asked the question... are you worthy for friendship? My knee jerk answer was no! This was the second problematic unthought out answer I had given this session (previous being to why is it important people like you... answer if people don’t be like you how do you like yourself).

    Towards the end of the session she asked what’s does me having self worth look like? I was confused... she explain: worthy of being proud of yourself, loving yourself, having friends, romantic partner etc. I couldn’t answer this... I told her I could fake it lol she didn’t find that funny. In fact she didn’t find any of my jokes funny today.

    My homework this week was consider the question... come back with an answer... she even suggested using you guys as a way for feedback/dialog for me to try and figure this out. So help?!?!
     
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  2. Vanillaboy

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    I can't help you with how to overcome your low self esteem, though I can tell you that your not alone. I too was sexually abused in childhood (13) and have suffered anxiety and depression. I constantly think who would want to hang out with me be my friend. I guess perhaps isolating myself for so long (decades) has really left my interests pretty narrow as well. I turned to food, I'm 6'1 330lbs (150kg 23.5 stones) and my sexuality has added to that.

    My point is you are not alone and despite what all our thoughts tell us we are worthy of friendship. Understanding that deep down is going to be tough and I wish you luck on that.

    "Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this please tell me how"-- Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)
     
    #2 Vanillaboy, Aug 9, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2019
  3. Chip

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    Have you read "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown? That book is all about worthiness, which is deeply connected to everything you're after. That's one of the best resources I know of. Her three TED talks, if you haven't already watched them, are also worth viewing, but the book goes into more detail.
     
  4. mnguy

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    Questions like that seem like riddles to me and I don't know how to answer them. These aren't things we were taught about or raised with. I'd be stuck on this question forever I think, but yea if you figure it out, let us know and good luck!
     
  5. SevnButton

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    Oh my goodness! @I'mStillStanding , you ARE worthy! In my mind I'm giving you a big hug while I'm telling you that. But the most important person to tell you that is you. Why would anyone else be more worthy? Ok, if I may help you along a little, you are worthy because you are willing to ask the questions, and you're willing to hear the answers. You're not taking anything away from anyone else, in fact you're giving. And hey! You're Still Standing! :slight_smile:
     
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  6. OGS

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    I think it's hard to say what it looks like because it's the base condition. Human life has an inherent dignity and nobility. Yeah, there are lots of ways it can be chipped away at and I think we can all see when it's absent. As to what it looks like when it's present I think it just seems normal--you sort of just note the absence of the absence as it were...
     
  7. Rade

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    I might be shit at this and might get it wrong. Self worth......isn't it what we invest in ourselves? For example, I lift weights and run, sometimes! That gives me self worth. The way I dress gives me self worth, the food I eat and the choices I make in life.
    I'm not a saint though, like a few drinks and a few cigarettes, but we try our best, I hope this helps a bit mate.....
     
  8. Peterpangirl

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    For me a big part of what self worth looks like is not caring too deeply about what people think of you, but instead being able to self validate and use one's core values as a first reference point.
     
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  9. I'mStillStanding

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    Thanks for all the feedback guys :slight_smile: I do want to clarify quickly... I’m really good at faking things. I mean most people wouldn’t even realize I struggle with anxiety and depression the way I do, or that I feel lonely and without friendships... I kinda have mastered hiding in plain sight really well. My therapist is one who seems to have seen right through me immediately. That’s never happened before... not even with my old therapists. I’m saying this because the question maybe should have been... What does authentic self worth look like?

    @Vanillaboy thanks for your kind words :slight_smile: I’m sorry to hear we share a similar past. I also understand the struggle with weight. I’m 6’3 and at my heaviest weighed 385. I’m currently 262 but still got plenty of weight to lose. It’s kinda been a shield of sorts I guess... hopefully we both can tame those inner voices :slight_smile:

    @Chip I have not read her book. I have watched one Ted talk in full. The others I’ve honestly been scared I watch. I cried horribly through the first and well I wonder how I could make it through the others without gettin lg dehydrated.

    @mnguy when I settle on an answer I’ll let you know :slight_smile: if you do for sure share. It is curious that it’s not something I was taught at a young age... it seems I was kinda taught the opposite honestly!

    @SevnButton thanks for the hug :slight_smile: you ask why others are more worthy? Well... they are more settled/stable. More authentically confident in themselves. Etc... It’s odd... I see all the reasons why people deserves these things and they are all the reasons I don’t... I guess I’ve always felted kinda like damaged goods... not being sad or overly dramatic just honest.

    @OGS damm you went in with the dignity and nobility bit lol I do feel I have a lot of respect and reverence for others and humanity... it seems maybe I’m missing that same amount of feeling and unconditional love for myself.... huh... something to consider for sure!

    @Rade def think investing in oneself is a great indicator that you value yourself... I don’t do that really. Everyone else takes priority... I think it’s how I was raised maybe that you should put others first always...

    @peterpan love the name. Self validation is a great point... and core values... I have a strong moral compass myself... I mean it doesn’t always line up with everyone around me but I stand by my beliefs and if they change I don’t feel bad about admitting that I may have been ignorant or made a mistake... like this point a lot!
     
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  10. Rade

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    You have to put yourself first mate
     
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  11. Chip

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    If you cried through the first one... that's a pretty clear sign you really need to do that work. I'd say watch the others, drink some Gatorade, and talk to your therapist about it. :slight_smile:
     
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