Married and questioning

Missed the last part. Am I okay with never being with a woman. Ya know, that’s something I have to work on. And truly, I can’t answer that question anyway. Like what if tragically my husband dies in three months and someday I am with a woman? Or what if we live to be 87 and married for 60 years? I don’t know the future. For me I just have to be okay with where I am today and try to figure out how to make today be the best it can. That doesn’t mean mourning what could totally be a lost opportunity. If I don’t name the desire I still have to mourn it. Just with way more bitterness and self-deception and possible passive aggressiveness. But if I can own that desire and own that loss...that loss that exists right now, at least I can move through it. I also just made an appointment with a therapist, and I’m sure this is a topic that will come up there. Mourning losses and letting myself be angry at opportunities lost.

 

Well-said, @KJmusical! There are more opportunities in this world than we can pursue - we can't do them all, and it's not helpful long for the paths we didn’t take. And it's hard to avoid thinking about them.

 

hi,
i’m quite similar to you.
i’m 58 and married with a 14 year old daughter.
my daughter really needs both parents involved heavily in her medical needs which mostly prevent her from attending school.

i have very limited secret experience with a man and lately a lot more physical excitement, unfortunately.

you sound like you know what i mean by unfortunately.

i feel quite angry that today’s society seems to have zero use for people like me but that’s the way it is.

i am like you i think and i think i feel for you.

good luck enjoying what you have, and try to
at least separate societies anti bi bias from your feelings, personal experience, and decisions.

good luck!

 

Thanks for the reply. So sorry to hear about your daughter, such a shame for someone so young. Stressful for you and your wife too.

Yes I am interested in man sex. I watch quite a bit of male oriented porn. But the other side of the coin is I enjoy watching female sex too, particularly masturbation. It's all very confusing and living like this is like living in parallel universes.

One of my universes is the happily married me with wife and grandchildren and a group of hetero friends that have no idea I indulge and enjoy male sexual fantasies... The other universe is maybe the real me where I enjoy male sex but is extremely frustrating because I'm completely on my own.

 

I relate to your post very much. I'm 35, in a hetero marriage of 10 years, two young kids, and in the last 6 weeks figured out in therapy that I am in fact a lesbian.
I was raised in a small, homophobic community and family, so I denied everything that indicated I was a lesbian for decades. I did what I was "supposed", marry a man and have kids. I never questioned it much. I also have a trauma history, so sex has always been an issue for me. Between that and a lot of difficulties in my marriage, I didn't consider that my aversion to touch and sex was because I could be/am a lesbian.
I'm still struggling with all of this, but my therapist is fantastic and we're figuring it out together. It is hard grappling with this realization now at this stage in my life (though there were very, very big indicators from an early age) and how it will shatter my life as I know it, if I come out.
I feel so much less alone reading this thread.

 

I hope EC can help you navigate your path.