ive always repeated the same pattern: i spend time and time again obsessing about straight girls (normally the ones i didnt know) and they would occupy 90% of my mind leaving me frustrated and hopeless until i found the next girl to obsess about.... this was a really sad and depressing thing to do when it was a stranger but ive now got obsessed over someone that i had a short fling with and that, although she seemed to like me, she said that distance was just too much. its been almost a year since i met her and i feel my confidence is at its lowest. i hate feeling like this AGAIN and feeling more trapped that whenever i liked a straight girl coz i fantazise about the good things of our time together, a rididuclous hope i would she her again, checking her on social media...etcetc....i go to therapy and we have gone through how unlikely it is that ill ile her again, that i have to push myself to do stuff...etc but even though i do she is always on my mind... i cant bring myself to meet other gay girls as i feel like what i experienced with her will never happen again .... sorry for the awful rant (and i feel like i left so much out...lol!)
I had similar experiences crushing on straight men all the way through my teens and twenties, then I had a huge crush on a man who I didn't know if he was gay or straight or bi, but he never reciprocated any of my attempts to get to know each other better. Then one day I found out he was in fact gay, and that devastated me. If he had been straight, I could have handled that and just written it off as another crush on a straight guy, but to find out that he liked men and just didn't like me was very disheartening for me. So at least you had something physical with this person you've spoken about. It wasn't a total waste of your feelings, she did reciprocate the attraction, even if it didn't become a long term relationship. What is the situation like between you two now? Does she still keep in touch? You've said you check in on her social media - do you think this might be hurting you to have constant reminders of her, or is she still treating you fair as a long distance friendship? I ended up deleting the man I liked because even though I wanted to carry on having some sort of friendship, he never actually replied to my posts and I ended up feeling like a creepy stalker, and I don't need that shit.
thanks for your message....i stopped looking at her social media and the fantizizing and dread of what she might be up to killed me but, as you say, looking at her stuff makes me feel like a creep....the other day i posted somehing and she watched it and then when she posted something i fell into watching it but after the initial "punch" of knowing of her i saw her as a normal human being instead of putting her in a pedestal....i i kn i should delete her but i cant bring myself to do it....deleting m
it's up to you if/when you delete her. I was "friends" on facebook with my crush for two years before I finally unfriended him. And even after that, he popped up on one of my dating apps and I got chatting to him again and thought maybe we could clean the slate and start again as friends, but he went back to ignoring me. I wrote him one last heated message (which I would NOT recommend doing, but I did it any way) telling him he let a good thing go to waste, and blocked him on the app and deleted his phone number. I do have lots of contacts on my social media who don't actually talk to me, but I at least get something from them, even if it is just a "like" every now and then, but this guy gave me nothing. And I really wanted him to be more than just another face on my social media. He became less than that. He didn't treat me as a friend, he treated me as less than an acquaintence. It was getting to the point where I was becoming frustrated and making snappy comments about his lack of communication, and I hated that it was having that effect on me. I was almost pushing him to insult me, so that at least I stirred up some sort of feeling in him to express, and that's a very sad road to walk down. So deleting someone sooner may save you from heartache that might bite you on the ass later on, or it might not. Our feelings fuck us up sometimes, we're only human. But it sucks to go from being someone's admirer to becoming their hater, so avoid that if you can.
Unfortunately I know this pattern all too well ... I've had and still have similar experiences more often than I'd want to admit. I'm convinced that I suffer from what's called "Limerence". Limerence is basically "an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated." From what I've read and what I've experienced, people who experience limerence can only have one "Limerent Object"(the person we're obsessing about) at a time, and they usually only get over a limerence episode following disclosure (and rejection from the LO) or by transfering it to a new found LO. In my case, my LOs are usually women I barely know who have specific personality traits I find attractive. The need to connect emotionally to this person is the main 'goal' of my limerence. Of course physical attraction plays a role too. I don't know what causes it but in my case I suspect that it has something to do with my self esteem issues and the fact I was deep in the closet til my mid twenties. I feel like I'm not interesting or attractive enough in the eyes of other females and that kills my confidence. The approval I get from males don't make me feel any better about myself.. It's approval from females that I crave (I don't get). The good thing is that understanding what limerence is and knowing that other people experience it too has allowed me to identify the behaviors that reinforce my obsessions to learn to avoid them.
That sounds like what I've had. Although I don't feel like I'm going to have any more crushes because the last one I had sucked so much. Even when I first met him I told myself "Don't become attracted to this one because chances are he's not going to like you back, none of your crushes ever do" and I ended up falling for him any way, and I ended up feeling hurt by his lack of reciprocation. And every time I do see an attractive man now, myself just says "yeah he's hot but its not gonna happen so don't bother." I still look at other men and even have sexual fantasies about them but I don't imagine anything else forming. With all my old major crushes I would actually imagine myself doing normal things with them besides sex.
Hmm, I'd heard (but totally forgotten) that term limerence. And yet, as recently as yesterday I was ruminating that that same behavior has led me to ignoring or declining dating opportunities that could have been really good. I guess it's an example of "don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." OK now I just have to take my own advice. Sigh, it always feels this way. But it's a good sign that you said feels and not just "it will never happen again." So you have some perspective about your feelings and how they might just be less than objective.
