For some background, I’m 18 and have almost no experience with guys. I did have a hookup with a guy once before but we didn’t go all the way. So today, even though all my common sense was telling me not to, I decided to drive an hour to meet up with another guy and it was a failure. It was over pretty much as soon as it started. I don’t want to get into too many details but pretty much he gave me a handjob and I came super early and left. I felt mostly embarrassed but I just also feel really bad about myself this time. That wasn’t my first experience with a guy, and I’ve done a lot more with the previous one than I did today, but for some reason i feel really bad. The first time I went away feeling okay about myself, but as I was leaving this time I couldn’t help but feel like I made a mistake. I can’t explain it. It’s not just the slight embarrassment. I just feel icky (for lack of a better word) about the whole situation. I know it was just a handjob but I just feel dirty about it and I don’t know why. It wasn’t like this before. After this, I really think I’m done with hookups for a while. Any advice? I know plenty have gone through this and it feels good to let it out so anything will be appreciated.
Even thinking about boys or men while masturbating, however briefly, used to fill me with guilt and dread. I would take breaks just to not go there. One day as a teen, an older man gave me a handjob, and when I came I shouted, I love you! And I never saw him again, did everything I could to avoid him and his neighborhood. The first time I did anything like initiate sex with a guy, I was "legal" aged and hitchhiking in Florida. I was really alone for the first time, no one knew who I was, totally anonymous, and when he said, Ya wanna? I said, Yeah, I wanna. And as soon as he came, I was like, OK, gotta go! He offered to do me, but I was feeling The Guilt, had to get away from that. I had him drop me in the freakin Everglades just to get away from the guilt of having queered off, as we used to say in this country. I walked through the dark on the highway 41, miles below Alligator Alley, the heart of the biggest swamp in America, alone, no flashlight, no weapon, because I didn't want to be associated with That. And as much as I didn't want to be associated with That, at one point I just had to stop, hide just off the road and go for it, thinking in great detail of course about That. I lasted five minutes. And it's not over; in some ways, that part of me hasn't really changed. If, god forbid, I should be fraught with horn later and dial in some kinda gay porn, for the purposes of, uh, informing my sexual ideation, at the conclusion of this dreadful sequence, I will shut the browser down so fast I'll have to clean my mouse with soap and water. Ahem. Because of guilt. But the *shame* picture has changed, because I now know the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt says you've done something wrong; shame says that YOU are the wrongness. Kinda complicated but believe me, it's where the rubber meets the rodeo. I am not wrongness; you will not put one of my cells under a microscope and say, Oh, here it is, the guy's evil! And eventually I got brutally honest with myself: Why do I feel this guilt? What is the terrible thing I've done? Forget your ancient books, do I believe this is "sin"? My answers, also brutally honest: I feel guilt because the culture says I should feel guilt; I did nothing terrible, quite the opposite, look at that guy's smile; and no, I don't believe sex with men is a sin. But I also know it can feel like sin. Hookups feel sordid because they generally are. You're just using each other. It's okay for some people, but for me it's always been a problem, which is why I haven't done it that much. You're trolling for STDs, you never know when you're going to run into that guy who wants gay sex, but hates himself for it enough to beat you up. Rare but not unheard of. You have no connection to the person, you do it and run & hide, Uh-uh, not me! Your whole culture and personal history says that's a shameful thing, how can you not feel that pressure? But when you stop to ask questions, the shame goes away. It stops being a problem, this guilt, when you find someone you actually like, your social equal or someone you feel good with, you do it -- then linger. Hang out and talk. Was it good for you? Tell him what you liked. And hearing yourself say, "I really liked that moment, that move, that sensation," is very powerful medicine. You lean into it, accept it and yourself, get what you need and want on your terms. Have I ever found such a person? Yes. And where did I find him? Hookup site, go figure. But we could hang out and chat after getting to know each other better, and instead of being furtive or shameful, sex became beautiful. A lot of my problems went away when I was able to come out to myself, to accept myself. But trust your instincts. If your Peter Tingle (seen Spider-Man: Far From Home?) is telling you you shouldn't go there, don't go there. Be honest with yourself; trust yourself; love yourself. It's okay to experiment, it's okay to follow your instincts. But do follow those instincts.
