Dealing with internalized homophobia

As you've basically said, you have days where you feel great about being gay, and days where you don't feel so great about it. I think this goes for a lot of gay people, even the most loud and proud seeming ones. Internalized homophobia happens in a lot of different ways, so while some people might seem like they've got their sexuality all figured out, they are probably internally homophobic in some other way. Maybe they are partying excessively in an attempt to drown out the shame they are feeling. Maybe they only stick with gay groups because they don't trust heterosexuals, assuming they are all homophobic.

I think the first piece of advice I can offer you is to not feel bad about what you're feeling. You've said this is a mental health issue, so don't punish yourself for feeling down. You don't punish yourself when you become physically ill with a cold or injury, so don't be harsh on yourself for having emotional struggles. Don't look at your negative feelings as something "wrong" with you, accept them as a normal occurance that you will figure out how to deal with in your own time. If you think therapy will help, then go for it.

 

I have actually been having this and wondering if I am weird for being happy and accepting towards my homosexuality and then on other days feel really bad about it. You aren’t alone on this!

 

I think for me it was just a process of normalizing the experience. I hardly even think about it any more. It's just who I am. Some people like me, some people don't and of course I gravitate towards those who do. And the right kind of people bring more people like themselves. And slowly you build a life around who you are, and gay is part of that. And you fill that life with people who are really there for you, for all of you. And as you do, those who aren't there for you just matter less and less. Eventually some of those people will opt out of your life entirely and eventually your life will be full enough that you won't really have room for them any way.

I've been completely out for at least twenty-seven years at this point, and to be honest I don't really encounter much in the way of homophobia in my real life--haven't for years and years. I mean sure stuff happens but it's very unusual and when it does it's just about them. It's not about me at all. It's like your crazy racist uncle that you encounter once in a blue moon. When he goes off you may think plenty about him, but it doesn't make you think anything about yourself, other than perhaps to wonder how you keep ending up at the same gatherings as this person. When I encounter homophobia I may dislike the person, I may feel sorry for the person, but it genuinely doesn't occur to me to think anything about myself.

It comes up on here a lot that obviously if people could just flip a switch and not only be straight, but have always been straight, they would. A lot of people take it as a given that everyone would flip the switch. I definitely wouldn't. To start with I like being gay, I like who it has made me. I think it's made me stronger, kinder, more empathetic, more fun. I think it's forced me to really question a lot of things that most people take for granted and I honestly think the vast majority of people would benefit from that. And frankly I just like gay people, I like being part of this whole shared history, and I feel that, I feel part of something. I honestly think if you unweave this one thread the whole thing comes apart. I really don't know who I would be if I had been straight. I can speculate about being not as strong, kind, empathetic, but I don't really know. I do know though that I wouldn't have my husband of over twenty years, my largest friend group who've been with me even longer than my husband, the way I feel about the community. I know they would be replaced by other things and I understand that it's possible those other things would be even better. But I just think as a matter of statistics that it's unlikely. I've worked hard at this big gay life and I've built something I'm proud of, a life I genuinely enjoy. If you were to cast a Monte Carlo projection of the possible outcomes for my life at this stage I understand that this isn't the best outcome, but I can't help but feel it's right up there. I wouldn't be willing to roll the dice on it...

 

By developing self respect, self worth and learning to love yourself you may unlock the underlying shame and rise above internalized homophobia.

 

Just because there are certain things you dislike about homosexuality doesn't mean you wish you were straight.

With therapy, you may find that some of the things you put yourself down about are actually things you love about yourself.

I used to think I was too boring and too quiet and that I wasn't making enough effort to have fun and be part of the crowd. But after I had therapy, I started to realise that I wasn't actually doing anything wrong. I have my own way of socialising, and yes its a bit different from how a lot of other people do things, but it's not the wrong way, it's my way. And the people who matter to me understand my way of doing things and they respect that about me, and more importantly, I respect myself. Some people do think I'm a bit odd, some people think I'm not "being gay properly", but that doesn't mean they are right and I am wrong. If they want to meet a "normal" gay person, then they can go ahead and hang out with all those other generic gay people, it's their loss if they can't take a chance on me. I'm doing what feels right to me.