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The courage to stop fooling myself

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Evgeny, Jul 18, 2019.

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What's holding you back from admiting your sexuality

  1. fear of rejection from family

    22 vote(s)
    81.5%
  2. fear of rejection from freinds

    15 vote(s)
    55.6%
  3. fear of reprecussions of employers

    9 vote(s)
    33.3%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Evgeny

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    I have lived a lie for so long I can’t even fathom how to come out to my last surviving parent. Every time I try to compose an announcement of my true sexuality, I feel more ashamed of lying for so long. I also feel self-centered and penurious which derail my train of thought because I’m neither. I hid my sexuality because I didn’t understand it and I grew up when it was unpopular to be gay. Such a declaration would have embarrassed my family in the small town where I grew-up. Having secretly read a few sections of a book about sexual development from the high school library I diagnosed myself with a developmental latency. I was sure if I gave it some more time and dose of man up it would go away. I decided this at 18 and signed papers to enter the armed services hoping the rigors of military training could cure this abnormality. It was tough in both dimensions and I learned how to control my cravings and constructing what we would now call a firewall in my brain. I even went as far as having heterosexual sex to prove I was “normal” but the few women I tried it with could tell I wasn’t genuine and admittedly I was just going through the motions to maintain the phasod. In 1992 discover magazine published a first report of the human genome project and again I put on a lab coat and declared that I suffered from a chromosomal shift to the X side. I decide I was gay and I was stuck maintaining the phasod. I served my country faithfully for 20 years and earned my retirement. I never had any relations with the young men I was in charge of even when I liked them. I was too afraid to be gay and I did not want to risk my career for a few minutes of sex. I applied myself to my military career working through weekends and time off simply to avoid social situations. Through my head down, work hard, approach I earned promotions and a multitude of accolades. All of which seem lessened now by the fact that I was hiding in my work to avoid the truth. Here I am now 55 years of age putting into words what I can’t bring myself to say out loud and sending it out as anonymously as I can to strangers on the internet. I’m gay and I’m lying about it. This sudden scramble to tell the truth stems from stumbling upon the musician Troye Sivan and his song Heaven on the internet. I want to thank him because he has shattered my mental firewall and it has been so long since I constructed it I neither remember how nor desire to reconstruct it. Through his music I have realized being gay is not about divergent sex(says the church) but about being in love and being loved the two ideals I now crave mysteriously at 55(midlife crisis?) I am also just as torn about coming out as Troye's song mentions. I cannot bear losing any of my family over these self-serving desires. We are a close family we can always come together but my siblings are all married with children now. If I make this declaration, I could drive a wedge between us. I can’t risk the love I have. It's a gamble, with odds I don't like, and stakes I can't afford to pay. How can I test the odds? Can I stack the deck? What can I do to keep everything that's on the table?

    I have the courage to step out of a aircraft traveling at 120 Knots in the dark of night with a parachute on
    I can risk my life.(admittedly I have been trying to destroy myself for years to avoid this truth)
    But I haven't the courage to tell my family I'm Gay. Why can't I muster that kind of courage?
     
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  2. DecentOne

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    Hi Evgeny,
    Welcome to EC!
    I’ve found the LGBT Later in Life section of the forums to be helpful. There are many of us dealing with the realization of our orientation in middle age (and later).
    You don’t have to come out to your family if you don’t want to. But it sounds like you want advice on ways to do it. How do your family members react to LGBTQ stories in the news, or celebrities coming out? Do you get the sense they are badly reactive? If they seem ok, you might then feel that your coming out to them would be ok.
     
  3. Evgeny

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    I have a bit of information from a trusted source, a friend of my younger brother who became friends with me as well. My brother’s friend and I were serving at the same station in the military so every now and then we get together and talked. He told me that my brother talked to my mom about me possibly being gay...to which my mother replied, "he's still your brother" That's all that I got out of the conversation with my brother’s friend. I hold on to that statement with a glimmer of hope that she'll be disappointed with the declaration that I'm gay but OK with it. However, my mother is strongly opinionated about gay marriage, she vehemently opposes it and sometimes gets apoplectic over news stories about gay marriage. I have played devils advocate with her two times on this issue and at the end of each time I have enraged her to the point of her using the F-word. She doesn’t use the word with reckless abandon so I’m certain I’ll never change her opinion on that point. She’s OK with the LGBTQ+ being United, Hitched, Bound, etc. but not Married. My older sister I have no real barometer on her or Her Husband’s stand on the issue but I know they faced the issue with their son when he was exploring his sexuality in his pre-adolescence. I think she will say she knew it all along. Her husband is un-predictable. I am on his good side; I work for him as needed in training his employees, keeping his networks running and his properties secure. I think he’ll be accepting of it but I'm not sure. My younger sister is probably going to cry and stand close bye me through it all she'll be the only one who will realize the pain and anxiety involved in being in the closet the majority of my life. We are the most alike and I am sure she'll be there for me. It's her husband I worry about I don't have any indicators on him They have two sons together who are middle school aged and very impressionable. My brother-in-law is very protective of them and this is where I fear I could loose the most. I fear I could loose him and his sons because of homophobia. He may refuse to be around me and keep his children away as well. My younger brother and his wife and two boys probably will be the least of my worries, he's already been told where he stands by my mother. I know he won't go against what she said the day he inquired about my sexuality. I have a niece who is the daughter of my younger sister, she's in college now and her opinions are closely aligned with the facts I'm sure upon receiving the news I have come out. She'll read several books about how to relate to your gay uncle while studying for a law exam over the weekend. Then quiz me on all the particulars about being gay the next time we see each other. I'll answer by turning up the Beatles on the truck radio and say "sing along if you want to cause I am"
    This is what I have...and it's my all. Loosing this group of people is what I fear the most. There is nothing else that I want more
    Being who I am, being gay comes in a close second! I want to be free to love who I want! But I won't if it means loosing one.

    Chime in here people, be critical, tell me where I am wrong! I can take it! I want to hear you! belittle my hypocrisies! Please!
     
  4. regkmc

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    Hi Evgeny. Generally, people won’t care, and they just want you to be happy. May you find peace brother!
     
  5. Evgeny

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    Hi regkmc,
    Thanks, I'm sure you're right. Someday soon I hope to come back to this post and tell you, You Were Right! and thank you again
     
  6. I'm gay

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    I had those same fears about coming out at 47 that you do. I was even married with two children.

    I would only suggest to you that at 55 years old, maybe it's time to stop living for other people and their opinion of you. It's hard to take that leap. We don't want to disappoint people, and it seems like such a risk with only your fears to counsel you. While I can't promise that the people in your life will embrace you and accept you, the fact is that most people will accept you, even if it takes some time to do so.

    Most people come out when staying closeted becomes no longer tolerable. It seems like you're reaching that point. The freedom I felt after finally coming out greatly overshadowed the fear. I hope you can feel that freedom yourself.
     
  7. JustASilly

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    Fear is supposed to keep you alive, but it can also keep you from living. The thought of losing family, friends, jobs or just offending total strangers has controlled me for so long that I have lost my fear of death and almost welcome it. I have just recently started putting one foot in front of the other, because I don’t want to just survive by playing it safe anymore. I still have a long way to go before I can live my life as me, but I will stay true to myself as best I can until I can muster the courage to break free from the prison I put myself in.

    Thanks to everyone for your stories and advice. It’s good to know I’m not alone with things like this and I truly hope you find what you’re looking for out of life.
     
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  8. PatrickUK

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    I suspect your sexuality has been the subject of much speculation within the family and it's maybe one of those elephants in the room. Everybody suspects you might be gay (your brother even discussed it with your mom), but nobody wishes to raise the subject or pry into your private life. In the same way as you are worried about upsetting or offending them by coming out, they are just as worried about getting it all wrong and upsetting or offending you. From their perspective it's a big risk to question a respectable bachelor who has worked hard, served his country and been a leader of men, allsorts of personal questions about his sexual orientation. It's like a game of poker where neither side is ready or willing to show their hand. Having said that, you have perhaps dropped bigger hints than you imagine by playing devils advocate and speaking in favour of same sex marriage, even to the point of enraging your mother. You probably magnified their suspicions in doing so, but they're still not going to break the polite silence.

    What you described as a mental firewall is really another term for denial. You seem to value frankness, so let's call it what it is. No developmental latency, no defective chromosones, no divergent sex - just denial. Denial of reality, denial of intimacy, denial of authenticity, denial or oneself and denial of happiness. That's what it means to live life in the closet.

    I can't speak about the risks you took during military service, but I'm sure they were (as far as possible) calculated risks. For example, you jump out of a plane at 120 knots with a parachute, but you check the parachute before you leave the ground. Maybe you even have a reserve parachute in the event it doesn't deploy? When you go into battle, you have a battle plan so you're not rushing into hell on earth with complete abandon and of course, you fall back on all of the training and experience, developed over time. It's all about strategy, no? Who can say the same for coming out?

    In many ways, coming out feels like a leap into the unknown without a parachute and that's really scary and the main reason why people avoid it. The fear of loss becomes all consuming and totally blackens our mind to the potential gains. We focus on what we have to lose (understandably) and end up in a place of complete inertia, but no man or woman is happy to live life in that constant state. Eventually the dissatisfaction and unhappiness becomes the biggest battle of our lives.

    One of the things we need to get our heads around is the notion that coming out will destroy our familial relationships, when the reverse could be and very often is true. That elephant in the room is taking up a lot of space and creating barriers within those relationships that you value so much. Everyone is tip toeing around and exchanging pleasantries in full knowledge that something is missing. You know it and so do they, but only one person can break the silence and that person is you. Coming out isn't about destroying relationships and families, it's actually about creating a new authenticity within those relationships and tearing down everything that is getting in the way of that most precious and affirming love and respect. A friend of mine found himself in exactly the same situation as you are in with your family and when he eventually plucked up the courage to come out, his mother's words were: "Thank God! Now we can all breathe easily and behave normally".
    If you haven't already done so, take a look at the PFLAG website https://pflag.org/

    All of this feels like a leap into the unknown, but just like military planning there is some planning you can do with the coming out process. It might not be on the same scale and may not be as effective, but you don't have to go into it with your pants around your ankles.

    It's not too late to confront this and find happiness and contentment. It's never too late!
     
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  9. johndeere3020

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    I started my journey last winter by telling my brother that I wasn't straight, then my wife, then a few other people that mattered. I held on to my secret for so long that it ended up twisting my insides in such a knot I wasn't sure that I wanted to be around any longer. A couple of people seem a little distant but overall everyone was very supportive, even Kathleen my wife. Once people lose their notions of what they think LGBTQ people are and see that you are still you their attitudes might surprise you.

    I felt empty and ashamed for over 30 years of my life. If we were in Vegas I would put my money down that you do also. Freedom is so much better than looking in the mirror and not liking what is staring back at you.

    I had all the thoughts, rural, farm boy, rough, tough, should NOT be attracted to other guys. I thought I was flawed, at the time society said I was. F### society. Hell, I even tried to enlist so I could become a man but an accident in my youth left me a couple of fingers short of the needed amount. :slight_smile:

    Don't hate yourself, be kind to yourself. We grew up in a different time where we didn't have the option to be ourselves. Things are different now. Challenge the negative thoughts. It might not be easy, might have a lot of people asking questions but in the end it was what I needed to do to start to heal a life long wound.

    Give "Pride, you can't heal if your hiding by Dr. Holt" a read it might give you a different perspective. Also, and it might sound silly telling a soldier boy to read this but everyone needs a smile. SImon vrs the Homosapiens is a cute book.

    Hang around here, talk some more, it helps.

    Take Care man!
    Dean
     
    #9 johndeere3020, Jul 27, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2019
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  10. Evgeny

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    Hi Patrick,
    You're right. Everything you said is correct, in fact it is almost to the letter correct, The only difference is what she said at the end.
    Yes, I got up the courage and told her last night. I told her I was Gay. She said," I thought so, you're still my son." We talked more and she said, "there is still time for you to be happy, be who you are." Today is GAY 1! I've taken my first step out of the closet. I still have the siblings to go but I am told that my sisters have noticed the elephant long ago.
    Thank you for your wisdom,
    time, and your witty prose
    Sincerely Evgeny
     
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  11. Evgeny

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    Hi I'm gay,
    Thank you, you are right I have reached that point and your support has given me the courage come out. I am out, I told my mom last night
    I told her I was Gay. She said," I thought so, you're still my son." We talked more and she said, "there is still time for you to be happy, be who you are."
    Sincerely
    Evgeny
     
  12. Evgeny

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    Hi johndeere3020,
    Thank you. We appear to be alike you in the Great North I was in the Corn Belt. Sorry you were unable to make the team, I am sure you would have been great at it. I was in charge of several platoons in my career and I recall three good young men from your state and they all proved themselves above and beyond. It must be in the upbringing I'll add your recommendations to my reading list. With your wisdom and support I have gathered the courage to say I'm gay. I came out last night, I asked if she had some time to talk, She replied, "sure" I turned off the TV and said I was Gay. She said," I thought so, you're still my son." We talked more and she said, "there is still time for you to be happy, be who you are." I'm out and I am moving forward. Thanks for stopping and reading my story, I greatly appreciate the time and wisdom you have shared with me
    Sincerely Evgeny
    I remember the 3020 workhorse of the JD fleet; my neighbor had one
    the boy left the country, but country never left the boy
     
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  13. Evgeny

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    Hi regkmc,
    I'm back here again because I got the courage up to say I'm Gay to my mom and She said," I thought so, you're still my son." We talked more and she said, "there is still time for you to be happy, be who you are." I wanted to share this with you and
    I wanted to say thanks again for taking the time to help me out I appreciate your candor.
     
  14. johndeere3020

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    You can NEVER take the country completely out of a boy! Congrats on the courage to tell your mom. I think my parents suspected but I never did tell them. I bet it feels really good! More confidence will be gained as you proceed through your journey. Remember, there is always the chance that you will get a negative reaction along the way. If you do it is NOT your fault! The other person has their own issues. Sometimes the ones that yell the loudest have the most to hide!

    Thanks for the kind words in your reply. Made me feel really good. Any wisdom that I have was acquired "the hard way."

    I am sure you will find someone to call your own. When you do, don't beat yourself up about waiting so long!

    Dean
     
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  15. LaurenSkye

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    For me it's really none of those things. I'm fairly confident that my mom would be happy for me, most of my other family would at least support me and my decision (even if they are not overall LGBT-friendly, which I am unsure of). The biggest thing holding me back is the awkwardness of telling them. My family doesn't talk about sex/relationships. For all I know, my brother has only had two girlfriends in his life and has never dated anyone else. That seems somewhat unlikely, but we never talk about stuff like that. With my mom, I think she might embrace the idea a little too much. She will want to give me fashion advice and maybe even try to give me a makeover, and I don't want that from her. With my dad, he might not like me appearing feminine, but I believe that if he had a problem with it, he would hold his tongue, and continue to love and support me (I am more confident of that now than I was 5-10 years ago).

    Beyond immediate family, I do have an aunt and uncle who I strongly suspect may be homophobic. Another aunt would rather I date a white guy than a black woman. Then there is a new X-factor in my life and that is my brother's fiancee and her family. I want them to like me and I want us to be friends. I don't know what their stance is on LGBT issues, but I do know that her family is catholic and insist that my brother and his fiancee get married in a catholic church (even though neither want of them really want that). And I don't want the issue to cause a strain on my brother and his fiancee's relationship.

    For a long time I thought, "I'm not in a relationship, I have no reason why I have to tell my family. But lately I've thought more and more about wanting to be myself around my family including dressing feminine. My ideal coming out story would be I tell my family, they're happy (or at least okay) with it, and we never talk about it again and act like I've always been out.
     
  16. Evgeny

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    Hi Mikey D,
    You have an interesting family, and they are certainly going to be a challenge to come out to. Most importantly it's your choice to come out; do it when your ready. It sounds like your ready to be you. It is good that you are considering the feelings of your family. But don't deny your feelings, your happiness is just as important. Don't put your life on hold waiting for someone else's approval. Your family is probably just being polite about not confronting you on the subject. I know now that my family was, they all suspected but they never asked. I waited a long time before I got the courage. But when I did it turned out easier than I had ever thought. According to your profile you're out to all but family. I'm sure you have the greatest network of friends and if you freely shared with them your life choices; that information has freely made it's way to your family. They may be waiting to hear it from you before they believe it. In any case it's your decision to make. I wish you fair winds and following seas on your journey through this thing we call life.
     
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  17. I'm gay

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    Fantastic! I'm so happy you were able to conquer your fears.