I'm a married man with kids, living in small town Canada. I'm straight, for the most part, though I's describe my sexuality as complicated. I like women for sure, but get turned on by men as well, and I'm sexually aroused by all kinds of different kink. My wife is extremely vanilla, and our sex life is rather mundane. It's not that she doesn't like sex, she does; just that it's always the same, and I find myself always imagining myself somewhere else. I'm a member of several other forums for subjects like motorcycles, snowmobiles, boats, etc, so I thought it might be good to look for a forum where I can talk about my sexual experiences and desires, openly and without judgement. I hope this is the place. As to why I put this in this particular forum....I find myself often wishing I could go back in time to when I was 21 years old and living in Montreal. I had so many gay fantasies back then, but was so repressed that I could never have acted on them. Oh to be the young, thin, fit sexy man that I was, with the knowledge and experience I have now. What would I do differently? Well, I'd have been visiting lots of gay dance bars, I can tell you that! What to do st my age now, with a family and living in a small town? I don't want to feel that I have regrets in my life, but as long as I have these unfulfilled desires, that's where I'm headed.
What you have described sounds a lot like me, several years ago. I kept finding men attractive, to a greater and greater extent. Until I felt overwhelmed by my feelings for them. I may still like women, too. I don't know. I like being desired by women, for sure. And I like the idea of pleasing a woman, but I just don't know if I would be really satisfied by it.
I could not resist responding to a fellow Montrealer (even a former one)! Welcome to EC! Ah couples! Especially those married with children. Life can become such a grind, day in, day out, until each of you look at each other as if each of you wore glasses with an image of the other painted on them...you think you know each other so well; you look at each other, but you don't really see. You both could make all sorts of claims about each other with complete assurance, she's vanilla, he's...….but perhaps there is a need to see yourselves out of the normal domestic context, perhaps she may not be as vanilla as you claim, perhaps there are some things she would want to explore with you, perhaps things that may re-direct your respective fantasies into unexplored (and probably un-politically correct) domains that could surprise you both. Perhaps it is time to declare the bedroom a sacred space for you both wherein you are both permitted to go beyond the safe and comfortable to explore some other place, where things can get really interesting. This will require a heavy dose of vulnerability, of stating your own unmet needs, are you up to the challenge? A marriage is a test of your ability to make each day count for something beyond the ordinary, even though the ordinary can be a great comfort, there is danger in this comfort as well. All I can give you is a cautionary tale, it is not regret you should fear, but the erosion of what could be a beautiful relationship with her, right now. I can tell you from experience: you can be certain, with absolute certainty, that wherever you go during sex, everywhere other than where you are in the moment with her, will soon enough be noticed by her, and that is not a good place to be.
Well I mean, heres what I think. If you have sexual desires for men and if you are attractive and relatively in shape, you can get very attractive men to have sex with you very easily without any effort even if you are older. If you want a relationship with a man, good luck. much harder. So just know what you are getting into if you take the leap.
Your story is a pretty common one here on EC -- guy has gay feeling as a young man, guy represses them to get married and start a family, gay feelings come back up later stronger than ever. It's a shitty situation. I won't sugarcoat it: in most cases, those feelings get stronger over time and eventually it becomes necessary to end the marriage and pursue a gay lifestyle. There are exceptions, of course. If you want to be honest with yourself, and not end your life with deep regret, the only solution is to find a way to explore those feelings. Coming here to EC is a great start. At some point, you may want to take some further steps. One thing to keep in mind: there's quite a lot you can do without actually cheating on your wife. Look at gay porn and see how you respond. Go to some gay events and meet some gay people. You can even dance at a gay bar if you want. Trying some of those things may convince you that you're in the right (or wrong) place.
Hi @advguy - You are REALLY in the right place! In January of 2018 I was at a near crisis point, married with a family, living the suburban life style, sure that I'm not full-on straight, and feeling really alone. I was pretty sure there must be other guys out there like me. I found there here. There are a bunch of us from various countries that have that experience of feeling the gay vibe behind the facade. And there is a wide spectrum within that experience. For some guys, the pull is so strong that the ultimate decision is to leave the marriage in search of a different lifestyle. As for me (and some others) I could not bail out of my family situation any more than I could cut off one of my fingers. I want to stay in this marriage, I want my wife, my kids and me to be happy, and I want to somehow fully express who and what I am. That's what I'm trying to navigate, and a lot of people are helping me to figure out how to do that. Where are you on the continuum, from an occasional and manageable gay twinkling on the one end, to full-on gay and can't continue the ruse on the other end? Keep posting, man! =Sevn
I'm 73 years old, married with family and live in Australia. I'd love to communicate with you. I'd love to hear your story and share some of mine with you. If you're interested oot me a reply or a PM. Cheers mate.
I'm probably the oldest married closeted gay guy on this forum. I grew up in a very masculine family with five "jock" brothers. I was pressured to act like a man, get married and have kids. I did that but that didn't stop my sexual interest in men. I struggled with those interests for years and just recently had my first gay affair. It was great. It would kill my wife and daughters if I came out so I'll carry my secret to the grave. I do enjoy porn and use that as a substitute.
Welcome to Empty Closets, @ClosetedMI ! I'm 60. Last summer I decided I needed to tell my wife. I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. Are you able to connect with people who understand, enough so that you feel content?
My post on EC was the first time I’ve said anything to anyone about being gay other than my one time fling. My wife would not be very accepting of my situation. So no I have connected with anyone. But by seeing my post in public I feel that at least I’ve admitted it. Kind of refreshing.
Well, somehow you seem to have handled the situation successfully. I had gotten to a point where gay thoughts were raging through my mind, and my wife was confused and lonely. If I had had a gay affair, it would have been really really hard to keep it a secret. But I don't know whether my wife has the strength and determination to stay with me. Do you regard yourself as gay? Straight with a dash of gay? Something else?
@ClosetedMI , how long have you known? I'm going to guess that you have strong family values that have given you the strength to keep the secret.
Yes, my family means everything to me. I found that I have to accept my being gay because it isn’t going away anytime soon.
