I know what your probably thinking. Why would I want to live discreetly? 2 reasons 1. I'm not ready for judgements and dealing with people who are intolerant. I know at some point I can't hide forever but right now with just getting to understand myself, that is hard enough 2. I don't know how my parents (mother and stepfather) would react. My Stepfather's neice came out as a lesbian and he really didn't talk to her for years and he's pretty critcial of her choosing to take her legitimate mistakes and making a bigger deal out of them then they are. I still live with them and I really have no means to support myself, I only have a part time job making $11 an hour and getting a more career job will be very dificult due to my learning disabilities and therefore take awhile. I'd like to think that he wouldn't withdrawl support but I just can't chance it. So I guess what I mean is, I plan to use Meetup to meet other LGBTQ people and I certainly don't want anyone I know seeing me coming out of a building where there was a meeting going on and putting two and two together. I was thinking about going outside my area like 45 minutes away but then I wouldn't be able to hang out with anyone outside of the meetup if we got friendly. Any ideas about this and just staying discreet in general.
I live in a city and country where LGBTQ+ people are discriminated against, especially due to the mindset of people. So I definitely am somewhat discreet, when it comes to telling people about myself. When I used to meet people offline (after chatting with them and fixing up a time and place to meet for a date using online dating apps) I used to meet them one-on-one in cafes/coffee shops and I used to carry my laptop along, arrive a few minutes early, place my order, set it up and work. Even if anyone I knew saw me there, I could easily explain I was meeting someone officially/for a work meeting. When a group of us (gay guys) used to meet up sometimes, we used to do it, out in the open. It isn't strange for a group of guys to go to the movies, out for lunch or chill at a cafe in the evening. If that isn't possible, there still exist sites like meetup.com. I'm sure members of your closest LGBTQ+ chapter can meet as a boardgames/gaming group, a literary society or even a book club/movie club once or twice a month. Possibilities are endless.
I was right where you were. I wanted ti expolire being gay later in life but was afraid to be seen coming out of an lgbt center, event, etc. I sometimes would wear a hat. I would not speak to people after meetings or events. I would just leave. I would avoid effeminate gays at all costs because I found them to be very out and very gossipy of someone appeared or looked or acted "straight" or if they were not "out". I found that sadly the same people that want acceptance will think nothing about outing you out of spike or sheer pleasure. and yes it does happen and usually done in the guise of "It's 2019 who is in a closet!!!" So sadly I have to be very honest with you. It is a small world even if you live in a big city. You can not be discreet and go to any gay events. They are full of out gays and obvious gays who not only are out, but often will out your either knowingly or unknowingly because they think since they are out that everyone should live like that. It is very scary and downright mean. Sure not everyone is like this but Id be lying if I said it could not happen. If you are discreet and afraid about being outted.. my best advice is to limit the audience. Try and meet potential gay friends online to hang out one on one and maybe they can introduce you to their friends. Many of the guys online will say they are looking for "non-scene" gays. That means guys that arent always in the gay district or waving flags(if that is you no problem wave all you want). At least if it doesmt work out you only are exposed to one person versus 50-75 at an event. You can do that when you have more confidence and feel secure. If you want to do more group stuff try doing a meet up that seems more non sceney.. They have gay nerd meet up gay hiker meet up etc. Usually these guys dont want to be involved with the drama that comes with the "scene"
Thank you for your honest opinion, I fear being pressured to come out. Don't remain miserable..come out of the closet you'll feel much better who cares what people think. I was on a hookup site looking around and I found a profile like that. It said exactly what you were saying no pic..come on its 2019. Yes its 2019 but if everything was so great, there would be no need for Pride Parades. Frankly you will never catch me at one of those. I also would not hangout in public with an effeminate guy, frankly they draw too much attention. For those guys if thats who you are thats fine by me but I'm sorry I can't hangout. I was going to go to a pride center but the only real beginners group is the coming out group and like you said I fear an agenda. I thought gay people wanted to be who they are so why are you forcing me to change.
Yes there is definitely an agenda. For instance, I went to an LGBT center when I was first trying to find a community but what I found were people that were very extreme gay for lack of a better way to say it. What I mean is that instead of just being a person that happened to be gay, being gay seemed to be their entire identity. Everyone had to know they were gay even if the topic did not come up. There was this constant message of coming out will make things so much better! But what I found is coming out does make things easier in some respects but harder in others. Now you are slapped with this label that has all these sterotypes associated with it. Instead of just being you now some small minded people can only now see you as the gay guy. When you are just starting out and you dont have a support system or gay community to lean on or gay friends, it can really feel isolating because part of you is saying "I dont fit in with these guys at the center or at the club or bars or at the meetup group; and I dont fit in with straight guys because I secretly like guys...so where do I fit in?" Then if you say this people will start to call you homophobic or that you have internalized homophobia because you dont feel anything in common with more effeminate or flamboyant gays. Meanwhile you are just trying to keep your head above water. Also meetup groups and similar out groups were very hard because they would have people going around taking pictures of you interacting at the events and posting them to social media! Even when politely declined having my picture taken at some events I was interrogated by some of the gay men in a very accusatory tone questioning why I did not want my picture taken. Again it was just so hard for me to get up the courage to go let alone be documented as gay on some website and outted. I seriously felt like it was a score for them to get more guys at events that people would never think were gay and when they see those guys especially if they are attractive and masculine its like they want to really promote them on their social media pages. Its like a big score because it makes the event look like a huge "success". I know it sounds silly or untrue but I have been there and seen it happen so many times. You will find gay guys that have been out for a while have little understanding or patience with you being semi closeted or late in late gay. In fact they can be the meanest and have a lot of issues against you. Thats why I said once you step foot in a full on out gay event or location, you have to accept the fact you are going to be filmed, taken pics of, possibly posted on some website etc. There really is no turning back. So my advice for you would be start up small with guys who are like you one on one. Remember birds of a feather flock together so if you find guys that are like you, they can introduce you to others. Baby steps until you can handle the more scary stuff. If you jump the gun before you are ready, you will be very paranoid about being discovered. If you develop friends over time you will be scared and even if you are outted you will have a good group of guys to lean on. Dont get me wrong the out events are great but a lot of time the people there could be too extreme for someone scared and new to this. Remember you dont owe anybody anything. You get to come out when you ate ready and not because some people at the center are telling you that you should. I know when I started coming out I was looking to those "community" to support me and what I found were people that were mean and judgemental. There are some great mens groups at the lgbt center and I did feel safe. Most of those groups were with guys that were either married or had girlfriends or were bisexual and having a hard time accepting it or coming out. I felt safe at those drop in groups.
So I guess the only way to be discreet is to hookup with guys on websites lol. Even if I decieded to go full profile on one of those sites, the only people who would likely see my face would be other gay guys looking to hookup. Not trying to say you are but even if you are exaggerating or f there is a few centers that aren't like that. There's the possibility that I'll find one that isn't the exception and even though they tell me otherwise the possibility that I will be purposefully or ACCIDENTALLY outed by going. I guess my first mistake was looking into places that call themselves a "Pride Center". I guess I'll just have to go and hope I can find someone in my position on one of those sites. I don't think its going to be easy. Ironically I came out to my brother and then he came out to me. His advice was to use those sites and just be careful. I emailed the pride center and I asked them what if I didn't want to come out. I lied and told them I was certain I was going to get kicked out (which is I guess an exaggeration) . I'll report back with the email I get. Though I will not be returning it. I should go check out the social media for the center and see if there is a ton of pics on there. RIght now I'm in a very tough place I guess. I'll figure it out, atleast I have people to talk to about this in real life (brother/internet friend) and even discuss hot guys with. What drop in groups are you talking about because perhaps I need to look into those, its better than nothing.
Like i mentioned earlier, maybe you could find one or two LGBTQ+ members to hangout with outside of the center at a public area like a cafe or a restaurant or a mallnto begin with. Or you could try using the online dating apps to find people interested dating, figuring things out by hanging out. While many people are looking to hookup or get intimate, there are quite a few people on these apps who just want to date, get to know other LGBTQ+ people and hang out. A common gay friend of mine has an apartment to himself with 2 roommates who are very pro-LGBTQ+. They help him host drinking evenings, karaoke parties and general hanging out stuff with other LGBTQ+ people. Maybe in due time you could find someone friendly enough who can host such kind of chill-out evenings or something.
Check you Check you local LGBT center. Ask if they have a coming out group. Voice your concerns about privacy. All of the guys are in the same boat. The coming out group I went to was private and you had to sign something I think saying that what was said in the group was private. The guys there were all scared of possibly being outted to. It was really safe ans even though itbwas at the LGbt center it was great! Meetups groups are all different. Check the website and if you see pics posted to the public then maybe you avoid those. Most were set to private so only the group can see pics. For the most part, noone really cares about outting you since these guys have their own issues to worry about. There are also "bro" gay groups that are really locked down and private. So hopefully you can find what you need. My advice is just to avoid the full on out groups right now. Not that peoole there are trying to out you as their life's mission, but they live an out life and used to being out so they may not be thinking of interacting with you in a way that may make your more comfortable as being in the closet. Sorry if I gave you that opinion. You can also call the lgbt hotline so you can find options like this in your area and can talk to people if you need support.
