1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I think I've been in love with one of my best friends for years

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by wanttoknow, Jul 22, 2019.

  1. wanttoknow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2019
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    So after years of turmoil in March for the first time I considered the fact that I might be gay and in denial.

    Since then I have been slowly trying to break out of the repression and denial. I have pretty much accepted I'm gay but have felt emotionally numb about it with no strong feelings for anybody.

    Theres one friend I have been close to since we were 15 (I'm 21 now). I have been on a study abroad year since September but will be going home next week, thus I haven't seen this guy in a long time. But we still text everyday.

    He has always been the first person I message if I have anything on my mind. We have always ended up together in group settings, and I've always thought how lucky I am to know him and also felt kind of jealous of his looks and how cool he seems to me.

    I've probably never felt to connected to a person apart from my best friend since birth, though I see him as an actual family member so there is no attraction there. But with this guy it feels a lot different.

    I feel jealous of his other close relationships, one time he was feeling low and suggested I come to visit and I literally took a 13 hour bus ride that very weekend to get to his for two nights, there has been times when I've been around him where I've never felt such a tenderness in my heart like it was melting.

    We also go on drives sometimes when we were both back in our hometown from college, and last time I dropped him off I was crying the whole drive home after.

    I even attempted to change my college choice to his at the last minute but there were no more spaces.

    I realised that the love and admiration I have for him is 100100101010101x greater than any girl I dated in the past.

    Recently I have gotten used to the idea of my romantically loving a guy, and I was thinking how great it would be to have a guy like him. But I still didn't really consider that I liked him in that way, I have been so deep in denial about being gay that I pretty much killed my romantic feelings completely.

    But yesterday I was listening to a song and it made me think of him and I was crying for hours. Since that I've not stopped thinking about him and how perfect it would be to share my life with him. There has been a few moments today where my eyes have become wet with tears just thinking about him.

    I can't really fantasise about him sexually as he is straight and it just feels wrong, we are really good friends and I just cant imagine it in my head.

    Yet I still feel as if I'm making it up to myself and that I don't like him really. even though there has been multiple instances today where just thinking about him brought me to the verge of tears. I don't know what I am feeling.

    I just feel like I broke through another layer of denial yesterday, I didn't know I could be so dense.
     
    SimonSaid likes this.
  2. SimonSaid

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2018
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    West
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    While I can't speak from personal experience, I know there's a lot of people out there that can relate to what you're feeling now. Unfortunately there really isn't a right or wrong answer to this, but sometimes it really does help to just talk about the issue. Dunno if I can actually help or not but there's plenty of people on here to support you if you need it
     
  3. James01a2

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2019
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Family only
    It’s a very delicate situation and you know it better how to deal with it. However, if you just do nothing you might end up in a similar mood for quite a long time. The probability that he might be feeling something similar or ok with it might be low, but it is one of the options: just to tell about your feelings to him. It might weaken your friendship but it could also make it stronger, even if he just wants to be a friend. You may also consider why are you feeling this way at the moment. You might be able to continue being friends with him and fill this emptiness with relationships with other people.

    And don’t forget that less than half of young people in UK identify as 100% straight. So you can weight your chances. Essentially, you would be playing with fire if you were to tell him him about your feelings but I am not sure if it was better to stay in your current situation. You may also ask for some advice from other people that are close to you.
     
  4. wanttoknow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2019
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    T
    Thanks for your reply. I will never tell him about this, I know there is nothing that can happen and also I would not want to replace our friendship anyway. I think I just wanted to rant as its cathartic