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New, not sure where to start...

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by IslandMama, Jul 18, 2019.

  1. IslandMama

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    Hi folks, I found this site and am hoping it will be helpful on my journey. I think what I need most right now are friends who understand what I'm going through.

    I won't torture anyone here with my full story... I will probably post that over on the "later in life" page. I'll just say, by way of general intro, that I'm in my late 30's, married for 10 years, total of 4 kids... but only now getting really clear that I'm bi, and always have been. We live in a rural area so it's not necessarily easy to find others to befriend who are on a similar path. I also cannot post my real name here because it's incredibly unique and easily Google-able. Just call me IslandMama:wink:

    Otherwise, about me: I'm an outdoor enthusiast, live in a beautiful place with great weather, run, cycle, and hit the beach all year long. I'm also a public librarian and love discussing books anytime, hit me up for recommendations if you need something good to read!

    Nice to "meet" you!
     
  2. Chiroptera

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    Hey IslandMama,

    Welcome to EC! I hope you like our community!

    And it's nice that you are a librarian! I love books, and I'm currently reading "The Gifts of Imperfection", by Brené Brown. The last one I read was "The Picture of Dorian Gray". There are also many other book lovers here in EC. :slight_smile:

    Welcome!
     
  3. Elen

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    Hi i am new too, just three minutes ago!
    Elen x
     
  4. Elen

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    I used to think i was bi but I now would say I am gay, but looking at my life as a whole I have had a bi existence. They are just words at the end of the day, although very useful!
    I really recommend any book by Sarah Waters, but particularly Affinity and Fingersmith. Also an accessible version of the Anne Lister diaries are coming out soon (excuse the pun there).
    I am married to a man (8 years) and have two chiodren 8 and 11. I like my life, all of it - I chose it because thats what I thought I should do and I believed it was the ticket to happiness. I believed security and fitting in would make me happy and i felt sorry for people who i though couldn't settle. Oh, the irony!
    Do you look back at your teenage years and your younger self? Do you remember intense friendships with some girls - trips to the ice rink aged 13 that felt like a date, high on life. But your new friend was wearing lipstick to attract a boy, not you.
    I could never see what love had to do with sex. They were completely different things to me. Now i realise i was having sex with the wrong people. To this day i have still never felt love during sex. Its just the animal thing that men need to do now and then.
     
  5. Ravenstar

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    hello, and welcome to EC!!!:grin::grin::grin::rainbow::rainbow::rainbow:
     
  6. Elen

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    Aw thanks. Sorry about the typing errors. :eyes:
    E x
     
  7. Ravenstar

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    Its a-okay!:grin::grin::grin:
     
  8. IslandMama

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    Yep, I look back on younger years and really wonder why I could not identify myself as bi before. Seems obvious now. I was just always so distracted by men, because they would generally initiate anything! But I often liked girls too.

    I feel like it would have been much clearer to me had I ONLY liked girls... but you're saying you did not find that to be the case for you? So perhaps it ain't easier for anybody.

    Nice to meet another mama!
     
  9. Elen

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    Its complicated. I just wanted to be with my friends when i was a teen. I had a intense female friendships. I had one bf for a very short time, just to try and fit in and be cool.
    When i was 18 i fell in love with a lovely lad, so that was 2.5 years. I split from him but i did really love him. I think after that i just wanted a nice, safe, emotionally stunted man. I always looked for that. Girls were forbidden fruit. Later, i have thrown a lot into my female friendships. But i don't get what i need, of course.
    It was baby steps starting from a few years ago. It literally has taken me 3 years of anxiety, depression and denial.

    I'm tired E
     
  10. IslandMama

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    Yep, baby steps... I keep telling myself, baby steps will eventually get you down that path! Better than nothing, even if it's slow.

    Your story made me curious, if you don't mind sharing: does your husband know now? How is that like?

    I just told mine less than a month ago, after being super scared how he would take it. He's older than me, from a different culture, and has been pretty homophobic in the past, at least about gay men. But when I first told him, he actually laughed and said he already knew that! After that was some ups and downs. Basically we're both trying to figure out how to integrate my newly-open desires into our life together. Been hard cuz I've been experiencing a LOT of high sex drive towards women lately... that's why I had to tell him even though I really didn't want to. Seems like the only way I might ever get what I think I want, which is open relationship where I can date women.

    Any other bi people out there who feel like monogamy just isn't how they're built? Or the opposite too? I'm curious about the vast diversity in our species.
     
  11. regkmc

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    That would be me. I’m married to a woman, seem more sexually inclined towards men....but still attracted to women and struggle to think of an experience without. Kids as well. Complicated for sure. I don’t think I can do the open relationship thing and working on finding a townhouse in the same neighborhood.
     
  12. Elen

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  13. Taragirl

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    Welcome to the community. I am a major reader, I read around 150 to 175 books per year. Mostly I read nonfiction books, ao so far I got around 35 books I have yet to read. Always at the bookstore on Tuesday to get the new released books.
     
  14. LForward1

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    Welcome aboard IslandMama
     
  15. Jamilove

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    Welcome, I'm a married bi man who also realized at around 40 that I was bi. Maybe it takes the strength and wisdom of age for some of us to realize and stop the denial. You are not alone here.

    Jami
     
  16. IslandMama

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    Thanks for the welcome. So what did you end up doing with this newfound realization of yourself? Part of me feels like, I don't have to change a thing, since I am in a good relationship already. But ultimately I felt it was important to be able to be honest with myself and others, and speak my truth. I became afraid of a life keeping quiet about things I'd like to speak aloud.
     
  17. Jamilove

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    Well sadly I cheated on my wife with a man. It was a gay friend that I have a connection with and that has wanted me for a long time. It really added confusion to my friendship and I felt bad for cheating. Not to make excuses but it was during one of those very lonely times in my marriage. Being married and bi doesn't mean I have to act on it. Trouble is that it seems men that know I'm bi or suspect sometimes come on to me. If there is a connection it tough to walk away. I make the excuse to myself that I'm getting older and it's now or never. My wife knows I'm bi as it came out inadvertently over dinner and drinks one time. To me the realization allows me to interact and see the world a bit different. I'm ok with looking at a hot guys body and enjoying. As far as speaking out I've kept a pretty low profile and don't see it as that important. I'm not sure the pain to others is worth the reward for me. Possibly your husband should know. I actually think I was the last to know event though I hit on a couple friends over the years.

    Jami
     
  18. IslandMama

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    Thanks for sharing your experience. I did tell my husband about a month ago, mainly because my desires were getting to a point where they were really interfering with my life! I felt like I was hiding something from him, which was a bad feeling.
    Now, we're ups and downs about it. Some days he seems to find it sexy that I also like women, and it has really enhanced our sex life too. Other days he seems kind of paranoid and insecure, which he kind of was at times before anyway... very jealous and always worried I might leave him. Which I have no intention of ever doing! I just might need a little more freedom within the marriage? Not even sure that has to include freedom to be intimate with women, but just freedom to BE MYSELF. Which I'm finding is pretty interesting now that I've been open with the two people closest to me. And also MYSELF... didn't quite realize how much I was denying that, until I stopped! If that makes sense.

    Ultimately I know that I can't be responsible for anyone else's feelings. Even if I love them. So I plan to just keep being my authentic self more and more... and if he doesn't want to be with that person in the end, I guess I can't help it?

    Thanks for being there!