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Internalised misogyny or am I actually trans?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kelseyk92, Jul 20, 2019.

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  1. Kelseyk92

    Kelseyk92
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    Hi there. I’m a bit confused at the minute about whether or not I’m trans or just very misogynistic. A bit about me. I’ve just turned 27 years old and I identify as a lesbian. I’d say I’m somewhat in-between butch and femme.

    I don’t know why but I have this intense jealousy of cis men and I feel as though they have it easier and it torments me. I know we can’t help biology but I just hate that as a woman we have to have periods, be pregnant, give birth, etc... I could go on for hours about why I’m jealous of cis men. I hate how easy they can get women. I hate how easy it is for them to have children (literally they just have to cum lol I also really want kids but I’m scared, I always say if I was a man I’d have lots of kids haha). I hate how they’re not expected to wear makeup or dress up. If they’ve just got a handsome face they’ve already won the game and will have girls chasing them wanting to have their babies. I hate how they are considered the stronger gender and women the weaker gender. I hate how women are in general more emotional than men. I hate how sex looks so much better and easier for them (it doesn’t take a lot to make a man cum but for a woman it does, very few women can orgasm from intercourse alone so straight sex seems more like a mans game). I hate how women are slut shamed. I hate how men can pee standing up (so jealous lol), I hate how men are not expected to shave their body hair. I hate how women are told how they need a man by so many people. I hate how people take gay men more serious than lesbians and say to lesbians “you just haven’t had good d*** yet” or “it’s just a phase”. I hate how generally in straight relationships the wife and kid has to carry on the mans last name like it’s more important to carry on his name. I hate that a man can walk the streets at night and not feel scared, I could literally go on for hours...

    When I watch straight porn I always imagine I’m the man and how powerful it must feel to take charge and because I personally don’t like penis (I like women) I get jealous of the man and think “wow she must really like him to let him do that or to do that to him”. I feel like I don’t relate to women. When I see a good looking guy, I don’t fancy him or want to s*** his dick or anything, I want to look like him and I get angry when people say I look like a female celebrity because she’s a woman.

    I hate to admit it but I do think that women are weak and I am guilty of slut shaming women. When a woman talks about how hot a guy is, how many guys she’s slept with or talks about how much she loves her boyfriend, etc... I just think she’s a dirty slut who wants attention and I literally lose respect for her but I don’t know if that’s because I can’t relate to her?

    I feel as though I don’t want to be loved AS a woman. I can’t even explain what I’m trying to say but I think maybe because I’m lacking control in my life I want to be a man because I see that as more powerful/ in control. I’m very confused!
     
    #1 Kelseyk92, Jul 20, 2019
  2. Hats

    Hats
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    Hi Kelseyk92, I’m sad to hear you feel so rough and confused.

    Most of what you have written sounds like justified anger against patriarchy: you’re right, it is awful how society is stacked so in favour of masculine cis white men, and I can totally understand why you don’t want to be loved as a woman when the concept of “woman” is so loaded with harmful concepts. That said, would you still say you are a woman if there wasn’t so much emphasis on toxic gender roles and expectations, or is it more complicated than that? Untangling the messages society reinforces from how you see yourself internally can be very difficult, but there’s nothing wrong with being a cis person who just hates being oppressed.
     
    #2 Hats, Jul 21, 2019
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  3. gravechild

    gravechild
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    I don't think they have an easy time at all. You're just seeing the successful cases. Sure, they don't have to worry over societal disapproval and have a larger dating pool. I also wouldn't equate cumming with satisfaction: you can eat junk food all day every day.

    To be fair, I don't think most straight women look at a guy and immediately think of sucking dick. Personally? I think women are stronger in a lot of ways. The male body couldn't do the same things. Men have a harder time surviving at just about every stage of life, die sooner, higher rates of heart diseases (testosterone is a poison), among other things. They are seen as expendable.

    Perhaps your idea of woman comes from heterosexual ideals? If you're not exposed to lesbian relations, it could seem that's your only option. Men are not your competition. Would you slut shame a woman if she bragged about how many women she's slept with?
     
    #3 gravechild, Jul 21, 2019
  4. Zerak

    Zerak
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    If I may interject I lot reasons you don't see people shamed (Men or female) for sleeping with women is because sleeping with a woman is considered some sort of 'conquest or achievement when sleeping with men it's almost always assumed that the man is the one doing the conquering so if your a (Man/Woman) who sleeps with multiple men your considered 'easy and thus devalued. It's like society looks relationships as if people are either conqueror with no value of their own (Men) or prizes with not wants/initiative of their own... it's rather depressing considering a lot people probably don't fit those molds.
     
    #4 Zerak, Jul 21, 2019
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  5. Kelseyk92

    Kelseyk92
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    Hello there! Thank you for your reply! Well I’m conflicted if these feelings are from the patriarchal society we live in or how I just don’t relate to being a woman. Since I was a kid I’ve wanted a penis, I always wished I could pee standing up, I tried doing it but failed lol I honestly am jealous that men have one. I used to make a penis out of play dough and put it in my pants (lol) and when I was about 6 i discovered my clit and I would show my sister and be like “look I do have a penis” haha. So maybe I am in the wrong body? I have no desire to have sex AS a woman, in porn I always see myself as the man. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through surgery though. I wouldn’t sleep with a man because one, I’m not interested and also I’d just be jealous the whole

     
    #5 Kelseyk92, Jul 22, 2019
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