So firstly hello! I hope everyone is having a great weekend! I am really just looking for opinions here or find out if trans women have had similar experiences as me because gender has been pretty confusing for me. As far as professional help I have been getting some as well so I am just wondering if anyone can relate. So when I was young, I'd say about 5, I used to want to be a girl. I remember having dreams about waking up and being a girl and that made me happy. I never really voiced my dreams and thoughts to my parents because I grew up in ultra-conservative house so that would of been a bad situation for me that got nowhere positive. Yet those feelings were pretty strong. To help calm those feelings down and make me feel more girly I would sneak into my parents room and borrow my mom's pantyhose and wear them under my pajamas. We used to wear the one piece footed PJ's with the zipper in the front so I could put on my hose then zip it away under my PJs. No one had to know a thing etc. When i played with my girl cousins we'd sometimes play super heroes and I would always want to play the girl character and get upset when they wouldn't let me lol.. As I got into my adolescent years those feelings started to fade and like most boys I got into girls. I was 18 when I lost my virginity and I think I dated that girl for a year or so. We broke up and I met the girl I ended up spending my entire 20s with and once I hit 30 we split and I have been single since with dating / sex here and there with different women. When I was dating the long-term girl though the dysphoria of wanting to be female started creeping back in. We lived together so sometimes I would wear her clothes or use her toys when she was out because I wanted to feel girly. I always wanted to get rid of body hair too but that would be way too obvious when she saw my legs were shaved. I kinda brushed it all off as maybe some weird kink. I mean, I was doing all the man things so in my mind I just surpressed it down and moved on with life. So that relationship ended like 8 years ago and since then as I stated previously I have had basic casual dating with women here and there. Just so it's said I have never been with a man or attracted to them. So in-between casual dating I have finally been alone enough to explore more of my femininity. I finally worked up the nerve to shave off all my hair because it feels right to me and I more girly. I started exploring more with beauty products, makeup, I paint my toe nails and they make my heart so happy and I love seeing them sparkle lol. I started messing with clothing, shoes, etc and it all feels natural to me. So I reached out and started talking to a therapist and eventually I even talked about my feminine self to a close friend of mine and she encourages me to keep exploring. It feels so good every time I dabble in anything female, like it's totally me for the first time in my life just being genuinely me. I do feel like a woman. So here is one of the big things I am questioning now and why I made this post so long explaining my past. Most days out and about I am envious of women. I want to wear the same things and just interact in my natural feminine way but I am also still attracted to women so basically anytime I get into a romantic relationship I have to again surpress my feelings down and assume the male role. I try growing my body hair back so she doesn't know, even though I hate it, but when I am with a girl my dysphoria lessens. There's a period where I am like "I've got this man thing down. This relationship is going good, all is well". But then over time as the relationship matures it starts to creep back in. And that's where I am like why? I thought I had this beat? And I start to question my gender identity again. Then we eventually break it off and the girl inside me is back to waxing off my hair, being girly etc. I am wondering if maybe I am using romantic relationships with women as a way to cope with my gender dysphoria of feeling like a girl trapped in a boys body? Because when I am around them I am attracted to them and I do go full boy mode and possibly date them for a time. Through therapy I have been asked many things but one is if I could be a woman now with no issues with family, social, etc would you? And I answer with an absolute yes. I feel like a woman and would like my entire physical body to align with that but why do I not feel that as strongly when I am engaged in a relationship with a woman? Shouldn't dysphoria be something driving me nuts everyday? Like "OMG I can't stand presenting as a man another day" type feeling? I don't get that way. Since opening up to my friend about this it's also come up in conversation about how I was raised and how if I were to transition my family would disown me and how I may have kind of surpressed my inner girl for that reason and now I am just in kinda of a vicious cycle. I think there's a lot to that because yes I would transition fully in a heart beat if I was accepted by family at least but the truth is I would lose all my family so maybe that has played a role in how I am today. I mean, I know I feel like a woman but I also need to consider other people's feelings that are close to me too and that would hurt my family. But none of that explains why this dysphoria kind of comes and goes. Side note, the therapist did recommend me trying estrogen for a few months and test how I feel.I am just not sure yet. Ok so story over, I am really sorry for the long read. So my question is are there any woman that have experienced any or all of this in their journey? Anything similar at all? Or am I just really weird. lol. Be honest I can take it
I'd hesitate to say that dysphoria should be anything. For starters, it won't be the same for every person. I find that dysphoria ebbs and flows for me. Certain things are triggers and will make it worse. Some days I wake up feeling fine and some days are crap. There's really no certain rhyme or reason as to why my dysphoria can change day to day. It's pretty variable. So don't be worried if you don't fit someone's "textbook" definition of trans or for your dysphoria. I'm sorry you fell the need to choose between your happiness and your family. This makes me sad that anyone has to be in that position. I see transitioning as a choice all about you as the transperson, and your comfort, not the comfort of those around you. Could even some of your discomfort/difficulties you describe here actually be connected to this? As in, could your worries with losing your family perhaps be coloring your romantic relationships? Like you don't feel you can really be yourself with a partner? I'm taking a shot in the dark here, so I don't know if I've been helpful at all. I'm also not a woman, but did see some similarities to myself here.
First of all, I saw that title and thought 'woah, now there's a loaded issue,' but now that I've read it I actually think it's safe to say there are people that would definitely relate to your problem. I don't know your full situation or feelings of course, but from what you've said I'll try and help a bit if I can. The first suggestion/comment/question I can think of, do you maybe just like dressing and doing stereotypically feminine things? I know you said that if you could just transition all of a sudden without problems you would, so maybe not. The second thing would be your experiencing dysphoria but you also want to keep a more masculine role even if you were to transition. Dunno if that's obvious to you or not but maybe that'll help you think about things from a bit of a different view point.
