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Hooked Up With my Friend who Just Came Out

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by idunno178, Jul 1, 2019.

  1. idunno178

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    So I've been friends with this guy in one of my classes from last semester for the last maybe 3 months now. To preface, we're both 21 and in college. We sat next to each other in one class last semester, and would talk and really hit it off but never really hang out or anything. At some point later in the semester, we got each other's numbers and would text a lot. And I mean a LOT. I wasn't sure if he was straight or not, but he would just have a very insistent interest in me over text and would constantly be asking questions about myself and my life, and always respond with what seemed to be long, well thought out messages. So I thought hey, maybe he's into me. And that would be fine because honestly because I was beginning to crush on him.

    Then, towards the end of the semester, he wasn't talking as much. We would talk in class, but he wouldn't text nearly as much - and it seemed to come out of nowhere too. But, on the last day of class he asked me out to lunch. I didn't know if it was a date, and I didn't ask. But it felt like one? We had a great time and he thanked me when I dropped him back off after driving us around. It was really nice. Then I got the silence again for a bit. Then we hung out at my place a few weeks ago, which was again - very fun. We hung out again last week, and even then in between our hangouts I would get random bouts of silence. It was very odd. He at one point told me things had been "turbulent" and that he wasn't in a headspace to be super active on his phone, which I took his word for. But at the same time, if I would ever text that I was there for him or if he needed anything that he could talk to me, he wouldn't respond.

    So like I said we end up hanging out last week. It's probably the most fun I have with him yet. It was really just us playing video games in my room and talking about life. I actually asked if he knew I was gay because I was worried to tell him for a while, and he said he figured I wasn't straight and we had a laugh about it. At the end of the hangout, he asked if we could do something else before he left. He then proceeded to say he thought he was bi and had never done anything with a guy, and asked if he could suck my dick. So he did. And I sucked his. And we fooled around. It was probably about 45 minutes, and towards the end I asked if he ever kissed a guy to which he responded no, and I asked if he wanted to, and he said maybe next time. No idea what that means. But we finished, and it was honestly the best sexual encounter I've ever had. Now, I'm not super experienced just because I'm kinda shy and haven't had a ton of boyfriends or hookups, but this was great. The chemistry was all there, and we were just having fun. We were cracking jokes, looking into each others eyes a lot, asking how we were both doing, and just doing a lot of smiling. It was GREAT.

    Now, he's barely texting me. It's been 5 days, and I have only heard from him once about something in the Assassin's Creed games. So, really nothing of substance. I'm feeling very hurt, and am very unsure what to do because I've really come to like him a lot. The thing is, I'm going out of the country for a week and a half and would have liked some closure before leaving before allowing this to consume me on vacation. I'm pretty neurotic, and suffer from depression and severe anxiety, so this is very worrisome for me going away. I really have no clue what to do or what to think, and any help would be greatly appreciated. I thought I finally found someone who was reciprocating genuine feelings for me, but now I'm just not sure. Is he confused? Was that just a dick appointment? Is he just an asshole even though he's incredibly nice and sweet when we DO talk? I mean he's even met my parents and had genuine conversation with them. I just really dunno. Any help would be very, very much appreciated.
     
  2. TaurusMage

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    That dude is very, very, very Confused. With a capital "C." I'm not him so there's not a lot I can say here, but I imagine that he's confused about where the two of you should "go" from here. He might not be ready to fully face his sexuality. I really don't think that for him it was just a "dick appointment" at all--I think he's just . . . confused, about a lot of things. It sounds to me like he very much has genuine feelings for you, but he has no idea what to do with him, or if he's even ready to face family, friends, and the world with what those feelings might mean.

    Again, I'm not him, so you shouldn't take my word for it. But from an outsider's perspective, this is what it comes off like.
     
  3. Chip

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    I\'m with TaurausMage. He's confused, and basically struggling with accepting himself. Thus the intermittent silence, the walls that go up and come down, and the silence after the hookup. I'm sure it really hurts for you, because you developed feelings. He probably has also... but unlike you, he's not ready to acknowledge that he likes guys. So the hookup you guys had... he probably loved, which likely completely freaked him out, and required him to really think about who he is. In short... his whole perception of himself probably came apart, and his head is spinning.

    This is frequently a problem with people who are just coming out. And it sucks for someone who doesn't understand that. I don't think it's anything personal toward you at all. And on the contrary, he probably really *wants* for something to happen, but at the same time... he doesn't, because that means he likes guys.

    The only solution here is to give it time. That probably isn't what you want to hear, but I don't think there's much other option.
     
  4. TaurusMage

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    I have been thinking more about your situation and I do have some advice to share, but it's (obviously) completely okay if you don't feel like it's applicable to your situation. Everyone is different, and what isn't okay to me might be fine with you, and I acknowledge that. Hence why I say that this might not be applicable to you at all!

    Say I was friends with a girl that I had started developing a lot of feelings for, who said that she has been questioning her sexuality, and then we experimented together . . . and that friend was clearly struggling a lot with coming to terms with their sexuality (as the guy seems to be in your case), but I knew I wanted more? The absolute best thing for me to do would be to not do anything sexual with them, period, unless they reached a point where they felt they wanted more, too (and were ready to actually do more). Being someone's "experiment buddy" and just hoping that things turn into something more one day would ultimately hurt me a lot more. It would drag on the process of getting over the heartache, likely make me feel used, and ultimately damage an otherwise good relationship (friendship or no).

    I'm only saying this because, given what you've got here, it doesn't sound like he's quite ready to come out or actively pursue a relationship. And that's okay for him, as we're all on a journey, and if you're not ready you're not ready. But, at the same time, you DO have feelings for him, and you are likely more willing to have something more at this point than he is.

    Just something to think about. :slight_smile:
     
  5. idunno178

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    UPDATE (thank you to those giving advice)
    I agree that I could definitely be setting myself up to get hurt even more. But even then, I feel like he could like me back anyway? If that's the case though... that may not mean he wants to date me. Currently I'm on the vacation I had mentioned I was going on in my initial post. I really am enjoying myself but there still isn't 10 minutes that go by that I don't think of him or this entire situation. I ended up kinda giving it to him a little hard the day before I had to leave because all of my pain kinda just pent up and I needed to do something or I felt like a screw was gonna come loose. The first part of his response (keep in mind this is the first I've REALLY heard from him since the hookup minus a video game oriented text) was an immediate apology for not responding. He said it's nothing against me or anything that I've done, and that his family is going through a rough time - particularly this past weekend - and that he's wanted to be there for them. Which is very understandable. He also did say he doesn't really use his phone at home which I feel isn't entirely true and I DO feel that this is still partially avoiding me anyway even if something is going on with his family. I feel really bad for him but at the same time I'm itching to hear from him, and hope that doesn't make me selfish. I've kinda put myself on a hold from messaging him at all while I'm away. He asked when I leave/when I get back as well so hopefully he wants to see me? But my self esteem just tries to tell me no, he doesn't, and that if I reach out to him once I'm back that he just won't respond. I think this is a chaotic situation that I could be handling better had I not left for a trip right after our hookup but, I guess I have to go with what the universe is throwing at me. When I get back, if he's willing to talk then I do want to see how he feels about possible relationship prospects. And I feel like I definitely do need to hold back if he just wants things to get sexual without really any of the romance, because that WAS an amazing sexual experience that we both seemed to enjoy. I guess we'll see. The waiting is just killing me and I wish I could enjoy my trip more.
     
  6. TaurusMage

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    I think you're doing the right thing by basically leaving him alone while you're on your trip. It'll give him that much more time to think about things. Not that he'll be necessarily better when you come back, but I still think it could be for the best for him. Please, please do try to enjoy your trip more fully. Since I don't know where you're at I don't have the best suggestions of things to do, but from what I do know~
    • Don't look at any texts or emails you've sent, or any pictures you might have of him.
    • When you feel your thoughts starting to drift over to him and your situation, gently push them back to what you are doing now.
    • Try to stay busy and/or stick with people (depending on what you prefer, the timing, etc).
    It's so important in times like these to carry on with your life, even though I know it can be so frustrating and hard to do just that!

    Yeah, I wouldn't really believe that. Unless he's got an issue with his signal--and he didn't say that was the case, so I doubt it--it would be a bit weird for him to use his phone while in classes/with friends/etc but not at home? Nah, that doesn't make any sense.

    Even still, though, I think he's saying this more because he cares about you and doesn't want you to be mad at him. . . . It's not the emotionally mature way to go about that, I realize, but I at least don't think he means it in a malicious way.



    From an outsider's perspective, it's pretty obvious that he does want to see you. :slight_smile:



    Yeah, I think that would be a good idea, too. Or you could ask him how he's feeling about his sexuality, etc. Anything along those lines to get a feel about how he's feeling about all this would be a good idea, I think.
     
  7. idunno178

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    UPDATE:

    Thanks to everyone who's been replying. I've taken a lot of the advice to heart and I really enjoyed my trip. I got back yesterday, and it was a blast. Of course there was still anxiety about my whole situation here and there, but I tried my best to not let it put a negative tone on my trip. Now that I am back, I did message him the morning I was leaving, and he hasn't responded. I'm worried, and hope he doesn't just ghost me. I didn't reach out to him during the trip, nor did he, which I think was for the best since I really needed a break from real life. I'm worried he doesn't want to see me. I'm unsure if it would actually be because of ME that he doesn't want to see me, or because he's struggling with his own issues. I've realized in the last few days that even if nothing romantic were to come out of this, I kinda just want the friendship that we had back anyway. I hope things haven't been ruined. Any further input or advice would be very much appreciated.
     
  8. Sepina

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    Hey dude.

    That's great to hear you had fun on your trip. It sounds like he is just trying to find himself and is really conflicted on what to do next in terms of his relationship with you. I'd say give it time, be there for the guy but I really think you step back and let him figure things out on his own. When he does sit down and talk with him in person.

    Flicking him a msg wouldn't hurt either, that will let him know you're still there.

    Keep us updated buddy :slight_smile:
     
  9. idunno178

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    The last I messaged him was Saturday morning EST, and I've heard nothing. I'm starting to give up honestly. I just wish this didn't hurt so bad. This didn't have to be anything romantic; it could have been a really good friendship. It feels like I've just wasted the last few months on this. I don't know what went wrong... if I was too abrasive or pushy for the pace he was going in figuring this out? Maybe he really just played me for a fool and I was an experiment. Even if he still does care about me, I don't know if I can look past the shittiness in just leaving me hanging. He said he'd work on responding before I left, and wanted to know when I was getting back. And now I'm back, and it's radio silence. I don't know what went wrong, but it's eating me up and I wish it wasn't. I know I should probably just get over him, but it's easier said than done. I don't know if I was used, or if I did something wrong/misread the situation, or if I'll ever hear from him again. I do poorly with this uncertainty - not like many people do - but it's really been taking up head space that I want to use for other more productive things in my life. This just seems like an unnecessarily stupid situation at this point.
     
  10. TaurusMage

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    If I'm being honest . . . I really just don't know. For the most part, I think that he doesn't mean to hurt you, and I still stand by saying that I don't believe he thought of you as just an experiment--but from what you're saying, it really sounds like he's not quite ready to face the truth of who he is just yet, or the consequences of what it means.
     
  11. Sepina

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    Do you have anyone you speak speak to on campus about this? like a counselor?, maybe even try speak to one a friend of yours about it. Having that support network will come in handy if you're to speak to him in person.
     
  12. Lovebille

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    I have a crush on my bff who is straight we might go to six flags on Friday together with mom. I'm bisexual and a girl oh and I'm new what should I do??
     
  13. idunno178

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    I have talked to some friends about it and also had my regular therapy session today. I think I just need closure at this point if he doesn't wanna be friends anymore. I'm someone who has a hard time moving on when a door hasn't been closed, and even when people tell me to just move on or get over it, I know it is extremely difficult for me. I'm hoping to confront him in person soon.

    Thank you everyone for the help and advice.
     
  14. Nickw

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    Hey

    I know this is hard to understand when you are younger. But, I am looking at the dates since you started posting. This has been about two months since you two were intimate. I know you want closure and are anxious about wasting your time and energy. But, it hasn't really been that long.

    It sounds like what you have is special. Isn't this worth having some patience over?. It sounds like he needs some time and space to figure things out. It may feel like you are pressuring him even it you really aren't. Maybe just a text saying "been thinking about you and hope you are doing OK...chat if you feel like it". It feels good to know that someone cares sometimes.

    Don't be too upset if you don't hear back. As a friend, giving him the space he needs is sometimes the best thing you can do.
     
  15. Gleek99

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    I went through something similar to this, only I was the silent one.

    I have this friend who's a girl and I gave her my number because I liked her and we started talking only.. she didn't tell me she had a boyfriend. Once she did, I started acting different. I wouldn't text her as much and I was trying to put distance between us because I was hurt. I also bully myself into thinking that I'm not good enough or I'm not as funny or as talkative as others.. So I was acting weird and it would've continued if she wasn't such a (dare I say) pushy person who needed to know what the hell was going on in my head. She squeezed it out of me over the course of a few weird weeks due to me being uncomfortable with vulnerability. Now I'm trying to get back to being myself around her and finding a balance.

    I'm not sure this is even remotely helpful but.. you neeed to talk to him. You need to find out where his head is at in all of this.. And don't jump to the conclusion that he doesn't want you in his life because I'm sure he does, he probably just doesn't know how..? if that makes sense
     
    #15 Gleek99, Jul 21, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2019
  16. resu

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    Remember this guy is not your only chance at love. I know it's hard because your feelings are real, but you can't control him. Be careful about a confrontation that causes extra stress; his answers now may change later. I agree with others to give him (and yourself) time and distance.