Trigger warning! I'm gonna write about sexual assault, so please read only if you are stable enough. So... This happened to a friend of mine, who is in a hetero relationship, I don't know if it's OK to write about, but I honestly don't know where to ask for help... So this is how things went down, let's name her M and him J: It's his birthday, they are in the evening in bed, he wants sex, she's not in the mood. She tells him so and says she doesn't want to have sex right now. He is persistent and begging, but she is still not convinced and tells him that she is not in the mood, too much going on in her head and she just wants to sleep. J: oh come on, it's my birthday! He ignores what she wants and begins to touch her. She holds still, thinking that maybe Lust will come when he touches her. But it doesn't. So he has sex with her and she is just thinking that it's the most horrible sex ever and is wishing on the inside that he will finish soon. He goes on and asks her if it's not good for her. She says, well, no. He wants to continue nevertheless(!) and stops only after she tells him, please stop, you are hurting me! He stops, his answer: well ok, then we will continue later. I don't even know where to start. I'm so shocked and angry I can't even tell. I sat there, Jaws to the floor as she told me this story and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I consider this rape, as she seemed like: meh, just happened. Please, tell me what you think about this, am I overreacting?? (I'm myself survivor of sexual assault and it's hard for me to talk about it and i don't see if it's just me being oversensitive and triggered.) I literally don't know what to do. how can I help her? And how can I stay safe as well, considering my own triggers? Thanks.
This is definitely not ok, and a very, very serious breach of boundaries by him. I don't think you are overreacting. No means no. Even if he didn't do anything physical (which he did), insisting to have sex with someone who already said no is not ok. Sex should be good for both people involved, and not just one of them. That guy has serious problems with boundaries, to say the least. I would talk to your friend as gently as possible, and explain that what he did is not ok and she is completely right if she is feeling angry or sad about this. If she wants to break up with him, report what happened (I'm not sure about the laws of Germany on this) or talk to a therapist, and you feel you can help and support her with her decision, I would stay by her side and assist her. I would also advise her to stay away from that guy.
Totally agree with @Chiroptera about this. No grey area, it was totally unacceptable. From the outset, your friend made it clear she wasn't in the mood and withheld consent, but he imposed himself upon her anyway. That crosses allsorts of boundaries.
In technical terms, there's no question that it was a boundary violation. She said no, he wasn't interested in hearing no, and he kept on. As to whether it meets the standard for rape... in technical terms, perhaps. But you'd never get a prosecutor to charge it, or a jury to convict. That's messed up, but that's pretty much the facts of the matter. I am assuming that these two are a couple that's been going out for a while? If that's the case, then it muddies things even more. She said no, but she also apparently went along with it, which muddies the question of consent, depending on the laws where you live. So for me, the question isn't "was this rape" but "Why are you with a guy who won't respect your wishes and boundaries"? Were a situation like this to happen to me... that would be the end of the relationship right there. Mutual respect, trust, and authenticity is the core, most basic building block of any relationship. If it isn't there, there really isn't anything to build on.
Thank you all very much for your replies... Yes, I thought about this and it's pretty much how you say, chip. They are a couple, together for a while and are also living together. Here where I live it's very hard to find an affordable apartment, even if you're just looking for a place with roommates it's almost impossible. The situation is messed up and also she doesn't see the violation there... Or better, she seems to arrange herself in this environment. Which is hard to watch from the outside. I guess there is not a lot I can do, just support her and give her the view of an outsider. And ask her exact this question, why are you with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. The only person who can change it, is she herself unfortunately. And imho only, when she leaves him.... I don't know what else she wants to let him do to her that she sees that this is at least red flag-behavior, of not a really abusive relationship... Thanks for your advices.
I'm reading this and thinking, "what a selfish bastard!" I have been on both ends of that. I've had girls tell me that they are not in the mood and I've told a guy that I'm not feeling it currently. No is no and yes is for safe words. Sounds like your friend needs to tell that schmuck to hit the road.
