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She only wanted friendship

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by sabrinaa, Jul 12, 2019.

  1. sabrinaa

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    Have you ever experienced this. I met this girl and we were talking for a bit and it seemed like she really liked me. She definitely did like me, but I was not sure if she liked women or not and she was never super flirty though she did make intense eye contact and smiled and laughed a lot. She was really interested in me for sure.

    So I went out with her and I found out very quickly she was looking for more friends and was straight. I mean I understand that. I have gone through a period where I needed friends and it's tough.

    It's just...It's fine. I would not mind being her friend, she is cool. It's all good, I would hang out with her again. The thing is I was just really thrown for a loop.

    How do you know a girl is interested in you versus INTERESTED in you? This was so confusing for me because she DID like me, but not in that way!!! She went out of her way for me, she was interested in me, all the signs someone likes you BUT she just did not like me like that.
     
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  2. alwaysforever

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    Yes, it can be extremely confusing and frustrating, especially when the lack of distinction between wanting to be friends versus attraction is never talked about.

    It sounds like you figured out pretty quickly what she wanted, so that's good. I don't think straight people always realize they are going through the dance of interaction that is read as attraction between two people in circumstances outside of their own.

    After experiencing problems with something like this in the past, I find it helps to talk about where your boundaries are, and to ask for space if people's behavior is confusing. Most of the painful situations that can happen, happen when boundaries are broken or things get confusing and then are not talked about. Sometimes I think straight people are just kind of oblivious about interacting with LGBT community members.
     
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  3. sparki

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    I think straight women like the attention they are getting and since there isn’t sexual attraction it feels safe to them. Trouble is, it tears up the person who is longing for a relationship that involves all aspects not just friendship. The inner conflict messes with your emotions and makes it difficult to maintain a friendship without jealousy or anger when she falls for a player that is using her. If you are not sexually attracted then hey, never hurts to have friends. Besides who does she know that may be in future?

    I heard it said a long time ago...
    Be open minded but not so open minded that your brain falls out.
     
  4. Cinnamon Bunny

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    It's understandably confusing, I've been there. It's also normal to see what we want to see. So it can be hard to judge a person's actual feelings.

    So all you can do is ask her and listen.

    ...or...

    When she clearly states she's interested in dating you.

    Each person is unique. In general, you can compare how someone acts around you verses others. Overt flirting can be a sign and so are questions about your dating status/attraction. But bottom line is unless they say they are looking for more, you don't know. Even if she IS attracted to you, that doesn't mean she even wants anything more than friendship.
     
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  5. GusCat

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    I am new to accepting my feelings for women are real. Married, heterosexual relationships interspersed with major crushes on women. Never brave enough to explore and married young, not a fan of infidelity.

    Suddenly I have found myself head over heels with a woman who has said she thinks she feels the same but is in a divorce from her husband and has been in a loveless relationship. I have admitted how I feel and she is confused. But so am I as I have never been brave enough to go for it. I really want to.

    I have three children all with major mental health issues. I’m racked with guilt that I should have been more courageous in my youth and not had children who are in constant pain.

    I have left the family home after a massive breakdown yesterday. I have considered some very dark things.
     
  6. sparki

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    @GusCat It is clear you are overwhelmed and I strongly recommend that you reach out for help locally if you haven’t already. This forum is a great place to realize you are not alone. Coming to terms with your sexuality and life choices like marriage and kids is a process and takes time. Hang in there. I gotta get to work so I won’t be online. Find your happy happy thoughts.

    To all please share any resources you know of.
     
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  7. GusCat

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    Thank you for your reply. I have decided I need to tell my husband of my feelings for women. It’s a risk because I haven’t actually done more than kiss a girl. But every time I think about previous crushes, in confirms to me I’ll feel happier. I am already begging to embrace my more lesbian traits which feels better.
     
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  8. Elen

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    How do you know a girl is interested in you versus INTERESTED in you? This was so confusing for me because she DID like me, but not in that way!!! She went out of her way for me, she was interested in me, all the signs someone likes you BUT she just did not like me like that.[/QUOTE]

    Yo,
    This is a great question! Sounds painfully familiar..
    Well i think that when you are gay you deel deeper attraction connections with skme same sex people and basicallg thats fancying her. Then, its easy to read in to every little thing.
    Like this girl at work...i thought shd was gettjng dressed up at team meetings to impress me. I thought she wanted to get extra cosy when we went on a festival trip.
    Turns out i was just reading into it and seejng what i wanted to.
    I really feel for you mate, you sound lovely ...its part of the hardship but also you will get intense emotional joy when your feelings are reciprocated one day soon by someone.
    X
     
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  9. Elen

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    Hey Tori fan,
    Love this reply.
    Yes i think straight girls lap it up (not in that way) and its all a lark to some of them, they feel special and sexy by our attentions, but also they don't have to put up with the trappings of a full on relationship. In a way i can't blame them, but then again it does mess with our minds.
    I have the birthday party of my "I am in love with you, please marry me" friend today. But get this, she is non sexual, ---- not sure if that is worse or better than hetero!
    E x
     
  10. Elen

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    Wow that's courageous. Stay safe and keep us in the loop
    E x
     
  11. sparki

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    Haha yeah that would be the other way around. Looking back I was the lesbian bestie who she could trust hanging out with her boyfriends. Honestly what straight girl in her right mind would be okay with that. She knew something I didn’t at the time. Fast forward from the 80s to 10 years ago where my journey of coming out took root. That is a story for another time...
     
  12. sparki

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    It doesn’t matter what you have or have not done, your sexual attraction is what it is. Orientation is determined by attraction not by action.

    In revealing this you will no longer be in limbo. Take measures to ensure your safety if need be.
     
  13. sabrinaa

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    Yeah, these are all really great points!
     
  14. sabrinaa

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    Yo,
    This is a great question! Sounds painfully familiar..
    Well i think that when you are gay you deel deeper attraction connections with skme same sex people and basicallg thats fancying her. Then, its easy to read in to every little thing.
    Like this girl at work...i thought shd was gettjng dressed up at team meetings to impress me. I thought she wanted to get extra cosy when we went on a festival trip.
    Turns out i was just reading into it and seejng what i wanted to.
    I really feel for you mate, you sound lovely ...its part of the hardship but also you will get intense emotional joy when your feelings are reciprocated one day soon by someone.
    X[/QUOTE]

    Thanks! That makes me feel hopeful! I hope one day my feelings are reciprocated!!!

    WOW YES! I am very likely reading into this deeper than I should. Thanks for your input! This is something I will definitely keep in mind!
     
  15. GusCat

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    Well, I returned to the family home this weekend and sat my husband down. I explained how I felt by reading him a very sensitive and well rehearsed letter I’d written.

    He was shocked but understood everything and said he just wanted me to be happy and not to live a lie anymore. I asked him if he wanted me to still be his wife and he said ofcourse. When it comes to other women, we need to have a plan and keep dialogue open and respectful. So we are taking it one day at a time. It does feel different between us. He is such a wonderful man. I said to him that perhaps if I became involved, we could have an open marriage, which he didn’t discount. It’s early days. Thanks for all your advice on here. It made such a difference to how I approached the conversation.
     
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  16. r2de2baca

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    This happens with men too. Sometimes these people are lying and closeted and repressed. You just never know. When you start to come out, you will eventually get tirred of the is she isnt she bull crap. You will get enough courage up to say hey I am attracted to you and wasnt sure if you were into guys solely or is there a chance u could be into women too? If they say they are hetero you have to accept where you believe it or not and then you move on. It will make your life so much easier than having all these fantasy relationships and crushes in your head. Been there and done that and they never amounted to anything.
     
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