So I’m 32, questioning if I might be more into women than I thought or if it’s just all in my head. Last year, I had a coworker that I fantasized about being with a lot. I just enjoyed the fantasy and acknowledged to myself that I may have a little crush on her or maybe it was just that I felt really close to her... and moved on. But now in the past couple of months, I have been very aware of this woman at work who makes me insanely uncomfortable. I always hope I’m going to run into her at work, and whenever I see her, I get very nervous and my heart races quite a bit. I think she’s adorable and I admire the crap out of her but she feels so inaccessible. I wish I could talk normal around her but I can’t. I feel like a dumb middle school student whenever I try to talk to her. It’s embarrassing and I just hope she doesn’t notice. Anyway...these two things have gotten me thinking quite a bit...which feels dangerously like overthinking. I’m 32 and married to a man. I have a two year old. But just in the spirit of furthering this curiosity, I have started intentionally fantasizing about women lately and looking at lesbian porn and it’s definitely exciting! I mentioned all this to my husband and he has NO interest in allowing me to experiment. In his words, “it’s fine if you think you might be bi but concerning whether you can fool around with women in our marriage? I hope you’re kidding.” I can think back to a time I clearly had a huge crush on a friend in middle school and fantasized constantly about kissing her. Late high school/early college I had a huge crush and felt really close to my friend who was a lesbian. I always loved her hugs more than the hugs I got from anyone else. Then I made out with one or two random girls in college but I didn’t like it that much. So I am confused why it seems like I would like it so much now. We also haven’t really had much sex in the past few years so maybe that’s why. I also feel like if he and I ever got divorced I might want to try being in a relationship with a woman but that feels so stupid and self defeating just to entertain the thought. I am finally coming to terms with the fact that it’s OK to think about that as long as Ia not acting on it for now. Could I be bi? Do people on here believe in sexual fluidity? Or am I just insanely horny from a lack of sex? Hahaha. Anyone else going through a similar thing? This is really only for me. I don’t want anyone else to know all this. I have told one close friend and my husband. That’s it.
Hello! Random question first: do you ever listen to Podcasts? Sec With Emily is an AWESOME show that covers sexuality, pleasure, relationships, etc and literally the first thing I thought when I read you post was that you would feel so much better if you listened to this show! That being said, I think this is 1000% normal! Personally, before you start labeling yourself based on these feelings, I’d try to think more along the lines of why you’re having them in the first place. Is it a “what could have been” kind of thing? Or just a lack of excitement and general satisfaction? MOST importantly, though, is that you don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong by having these feelings / urges! It doesn’t necessarily mean you love your husband any less, or find him less attractive. It means that you’re giving your wants and desires more thought and I think that’s amazing! I just got out of a controlling, hateful, 7 year long relationship with a man and I think I’m realizing now that I’ve started seeing women again because I’m afraid of being taken advantage of or feeling uncomfortable with some men’s expectations. No matter what the cause though, it’s never a bad idea to talk to a professional about it either! That’s been a huge help for me <3
I will definitely be checking out Sec by Emily! Podcasts and coffee are my saving graces this past year! I have a pathetically long commute.
