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First Time Anxieties

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Spacetime, Jun 23, 2019.

  1. Spacetime

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    My girlfriend (22) and I (23) are planning on having sex soon. Not a specific day or anything, but we recently talked about it and discovered that we're both ready. (We've been together for 5 months. She's been ready for a while, but she's never put any pressure on me.) We are spending the whole day together tomorrow, so it may happen as soon as then.

    She's demisexual, and has had a few partners before. I'm also somewhere on the ace spectrum. I've never had sex before. I've never actually wanted to have sex before her. In fact, she's the first person I've ever been sexually attracted to.

    I love her and trust her completely, but I'm still a bit nervous. I just feel really clueless when it comes to sex.
    The only thing I know I want is to see and touch more of her skin. And, well, vice versa. Any advice (or reassurance) is much appreciated.
     
  2. TaurusMage

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    Well, I would say that the first thing to understand is that what you're feeling is completely normal, as I'm sure you're aware!

    I used to identify as asexual, and while I don't anymore I still don't have as high a libido as others.

    Enjoy any foreplay that you guys do, and focus a lot on what you like. For me I wasn't able to enjoy sex until I spent a lot of energy focusing on the sensual aspects of things--the touch, the holding, the caresses, etc. You might be similar, or you could be different. But either way, paying a lot of attention to the things you're enjoying will help you a LOT. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Shorthaul

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    First time anxiety is pretty normal, and since she knows it will be your first time I don't think she will expect you to be a pro at it. Everyone starts out a little clueless, just try and focus on the moment and less on the technical bits.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey it's natural to be nervous. Take it really slowly, only do things you want to do and know that at any time you can stop. The fact she has been patient and not pressured you I am sure means she will go at your pace and make sure you are ok. Communication is key, just keep talking to each other as you go and enjoy it.
     
  5. beenthrdonetht

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    That's the best sign of all. Sounds real, and healthy, to me.

    I have always preached (and sometimes practiced) the "no-orgasm" rule. It's a specific case of the more general idea of letting go of expectations and attachments — especially to outcomes. (Heh, pun intended.) This means allowing yourself to explore your partner's body (ahhh) and vice-verse, but "promising" not to come.

    Now, you might or might not get way turned on at certain points, but this "pledge" can help keep you from thinking you have to do something specific when it heats up.

    And if an orgasm (maybe a little shudder) does creep in, I guess you have to agree on a suitable "punishment". Does this all sound silly? Yes, it should. There should be some giggling along with the heavy breathing.

    Have fun. You seem like you both have the right attitude...and partner.
     
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  6. Spacetime

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    Thank you, everyone! For your advice! We actually wound up having sex a few days after I posted this question. We napped together at her place after spending the day in town. And when we woke up later in the evening, well... You know.

    When we were first staring things, with just kisses and mostly chaste touching, I noticed that she would get really into it then back off suddenly. I asked her if everything was okay and she said yes and that she was just trying to behave. I asked her why she thought she had to behave and she admitted she was afraid of coming on too strong and pressuring me into something or scaring me off. I reassured her that anything that happened would be because we both wanted it. We talked about trust and consent. Just like that, all of my anxieties disappeared.

    It was amazing! There was a lot of communication, equal parts sweet words, checking in with each other, and just goofing off. It was slow and intimate and funny. (At one point, she laid me down and I caught a glimpse of two big, yellow eyes. Neither of us realized that her cat had snuck into the room and jumped on the bed. So, I'm lying there, half naked and laughing so hard my girlfriend had to go get me a glass of water. Luckily, she found it hysterical too. That's also how we found out that her cat can open the door if there's something on the handle for her to pull.)

    I slept over and we made and ate breakfast together. She had a morning shift, so I gave her a ride to work. She wasn't disappointed we couldn't just stay in and cuddle all day, so she alternated resting her arm around me and playing with my hair the whole way there.
     
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  7. Spacetime

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    Thank you. Your advice makes a lot of sense. There was plenty of giggling. I knew there would be some awkwardness with my first time, and there was. But it was in a silly, joyful way. I didn't orgasm, but I really enjoyed all of the sensations. I definitely had some trouble relaxing. Even though I wasn't anxious, my mind was constantly replaying thoughts like, "this is actually happening," and, "I should try to figure out what she's doing because I really want to touch her and I'm completely clueless."

    She came a few times, so I must have done something right. Apparently, it takes her some time to get there but once she does she can have multiple orgasms pretty quickly. She didn't tell me beforehand because she didn't want to put pressure on me to keep going if I didn't enjoy it, and because she was a little embarrassed. (She told me that most of her partners had gotten bored pretty quickly and one even complained about it. I can't ever imagine getting tired of that. Holy shit, it was amazing.)

    Now that I have some confidence, hopefully it'll be a little easier to relax when receiving in the future. But giving is definitely my favorite part. At the risk of TMI, the thing that turns me on the most is just knowing that she is.
     
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  8. beenthrdonetht

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    Congrats! I agree, and I bet lots of others do too. Cheers!
     
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  9. SoulSearch

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    Yay! My girlfriend and I laugh a lot in bed too. We’ve had similar experiences with her dog. Sounds like you’re off to a good start. I’m happy for you.