Please help -- Can someone turn gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by confusedpn, Mar 6, 2019.

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  1. Chiroptera

    Chiroptera
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    To be really honest with you, it seems like you are going in circles, as before.

    Have you talked to your therapist about these thoughts and anxiety?
     
    #21 Chiroptera, May 2, 2019
  2. confusedpn

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    Hey again, thanks for responding.

    I haven't talked to a therapist yet, no. I've been having trouble finding a specialist since the only thing this can be other than a coming out crisis is OCD. And for some reason I can't bring myself to talk to my current therapist about this. I'm afraid he'll simply tell me that I'm gay. I'm afraid that this is actually true. I'm not even sure I'm afraid anymore. I'm just anxious about making the transition. I just want it to be over one way or another.

    That being said, I've been reading many other accounts of people here coming out later in life and I don't see what's so different about my situation. Can you explain?
    • I see people who have had trouble getting aroused with women. Who don't think it's earth shattering enough.
    • I've seen people who seemingly had no idea who they were until they were much older.
    • I've seen people who were perfectly capable of having sex with women, only to find that attraction fades and is replaced by attraction for men once they accepted who they were
    • I see people with long running anxiety during their coming out process.
    • I've seen people who said they were depressed, and that after the end of a relationship with a woman they found themselves to be gay.
    I've seen all of these things and they all seem to overlap with my current situation. The part I'm missing is the fantasizing about guys, but that piece is probably just be me being afraid to try it. The closest things I've had to fantasies are seeing guys on TV or at work or on the street, and having thoughts about something sexual, but they seemingly bring me no pleasure. They seem like thoughts that are being put there by someone else. Like they're being hurled at me from the corner of my mind. Isn't this just a way of me protecting myself from them? Isn't this internalized homophobia? Externally I have zero problem with gays. They don't bother me in the slightest.

    I ask myself questions about things like:
    • Could you see yourself in a relationship with a guy?
    • Could you see yourself kissing a guy?
    • Could you see yourself having sex with a guy?
    • Could you see yourself building a life with a guy?
    I'm never able to give straight answers (no pun intended). Part of me believes that the answer to all of these questions is yes. And it terrifies me. However, at other times it feels like the answers to these questions is no. Doesn't this sound like someone who is confused about their sexuality?

    The girl I'm with I nearly blurted out to her last night that I love her. I haven't felt this way about someone in ages. And yet I'm afraid to express it because it seems like I might be gay. Part of me thinks I have to break up with her so that I don't drag her down into this quagmire. It absolutely kills me. I thought I had finally found someone, and now I have to end it because of this. This unending process. This total lack of sex drive. I'm useless.

    When laying in bed this morning I was thinking about how our legs were intertwined, and how much I liked the feel of them. I then tried to imagine instead that this was a guy laying next to me, and feeling male legs instead. It doesn't do anything for me. But I wonder: would I like that better? Sitting there in the moment the answer is definitely no. But how many things in life have you ever once thought you didn't like, only to find out later that you do?

    The more I walk around and think about it the more I think I'm gay and haven't accepted it yet. When you guys tell me it isn't the case I have a very hard time understanding what the differences are between me and all of the stories I've been reading here. Somehow I'm getting to the point where I just don't believe I'm straight. I wish I could take you through all of the things I read and all of the places I think "SEE? THAT'S ME!"

    What am I clinging to? How do I move on from here?

    I feel like what I want is an unconflicted life with my girlfriend, but that it's being taken away from me by things beyond my control. It doesn't matter what I want since we can't choose our sexuality. My only option is to go through with this process and see where it leads.
     
    #22 confusedpn, May 3, 2019
  3. Nickw

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    Hey. I've chatted with dozens of gay or bi men who came out later in life. None, exhibited what you are going through. It is true that a lot of men (and women) may not have recognized their same sex attractions as being meaningful. But, as they come to accept that they are gay, they often remember bits and pieces of the attractions throughout their lives.

    I think you need to address this with your therapist. A good therapist won't "diagnose" you as gay. That therapist will guide you through the steps of understanding why YOU think you might be gay. Anxiety can really mess with a person. And, when one couples the anxiety with obsessive thoughts, one can get pretty wound up and start believing anything.

    I think you should look at trying to just be in the moment with your girlfriend and enjoy what you have. The ED is probably caused by anxiety. Getting the anxiety under control is the most important thing you can do. Your therapist can help with this.

    Take some breaths here.
     
    #23 Nickw, May 3, 2019
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  4. Chiroptera

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    Again, and i'm sorry to be blunt, but repeating what Chip said, these thoughts will continue to bother you until you talk to your therapist. Nothing that we say here will change your mind, because we have already said what had to be said.

    Your therapist is there to help you, and he has more training to help you with this than us here over the internet. Please talk to him about this.
     
    #24 Chiroptera, May 3, 2019
  5. Jaimequestions

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    I think the ED starting with the mean girl subconsciously made you hesitant to perform at certain times. With the next person you were with, you thought about the ED, and had issues. It is like being awake in the middle of the night and thinking about having to go to the bathroom and not going, eventually you have to go. I would say you were gay if you had fantasies about men when pleasuring yourself, which you have not mentioned. There could be a memory you are suppressing making you think you are gay, but all in all, I would say you are not because of the facts you laid out.
     
    #25 Jaimequestions, May 3, 2019
  6. DecentOne

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    Talk to your therapist.
    What you said above sounds like you are inventing something to keep you from being fully in love with her. Why? Talk about that with your therapist.
     
    #26 DecentOne, May 9, 2019
  7. confusedpn

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    Hey DecentOne, god I wish (hope?) that's the case. I have an obvious answer to that, and that it's the love of my life cheated on me when I was 20/21. In all my relationships since then I've been unable to move past the barrier of letting myself go and being truly vulnerable. I've been in therapy for over a year now -- in fact it started as couples therapy from my last relationship that ended just before I met this girl. I've worked through a lot of those vulnerability issues, and until this idea I might be gay hit, I truly believed I was ready to let myself go and be vulnerable.

    Then again, the voice in my head says the reason I was never able to truly connect and be vulnerable is that I've been gay this entire time and didn't realize it.

    With my current girlfriend, the endless anxiety and constant questioning makes it seem like those feelings of love have been completely eliminated most of the time, and instead I feel nothing. My sex drive has been reduced to absolute zero. And yet sometimes by just staring into her eyes I can feel something stir inside me. But I just tell myself it's meaningless, and I simply have to accept that I'm gay and move on.

    The idea of being gay seems foreign to me, but I keep telling myself that becoming gay is a process, and I just have to work through this anxiety and accepting it.
     
    #27 confusedpn, May 9, 2019
  8. confusedpn

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    I also want to apologize to everyone for what to all of you seems to be an anxiety disorder, or something else. But I'm here simply trying to seek the truth or help finding it though it may seem like endless rambling. I honestly don't know what else to do. You've all been incredibly helpful, so thanks for that.
     
    #28 confusedpn, May 9, 2019
  9. Chip

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    Hey, I can completely understand what's going on for you. The issue with anxiety and OCD-spectrum disorders is that they literally hijack the brain, making it near impossible to make logical decisions. So here's some stuff that might help a tiny bit, but the real iss7ue won't be resolved until you get professional help.

    Then don't tell him you're gay, especially since, based on everything you've said, you aren't. You're a person with severe anxiety, which is going to make it impossible to tell what your orientation is at all, as anxiety by itself suppresses sexual feelings. Additionally, as I said above, nothing you have described sounds like you actually have any attraction toward men, only anxiety that you might.

    It sounds like this (the anxiety and intrusive, obsessive thinking) is probably the major thing that is impacting you, and not telling your therapist about that is completely wasting your money and time. You might as well not be in therapy at all if you aren't going to be honest with your therapist.

    Nope. Guys who are gay are actually attracted to people of the same sex. They can't control the attraction and feelings. They masturbate thinking about guys, not girls, and these feelings bring arousal and pleasure. They don't find girls remotely attractive, and have no interest in having sex with them. None of these describe you.

    Textbook classic symptom of OCD.

    Nope, and that's in part because
    Which means you don't have attraction to guys. Someone who was gay -- even gay and closeted or in denial -- would feel differently.

    Right, and those "things" are almost certainly an anxiety-spectrum disorder and/or OCD.

    So... Let's be super clear:

    -- You are going around in circles
    -- You are having difficulty taking in the input that's being given to you
    -- You are not addressing the actual issue, which is the anxiety and/or OCD that makes it impossible to determine where attractions lie.
    -- You won't tell your therapist, who is the only person that can actually help you with this
    -- You aren't likely going to get any more useful information that will answer the question, until you actually address the underlying issues.

    I would suggest maybe printing out posts from this thread and handing them to your therapist so that he can actually help you. You are clearly miserable, and you really need help with the mental health issues before you do anything else.

    In the meantime... you might try some meditation or other self-soothing practices that can calm your mind. You deserve better than to feel miserable all the time.
     
    #29 Chip, May 9, 2019
    Last edited: May 9, 2019
  10. confusedpn

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    Thanks Chip. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you guys taking the time to respond to me. I will try not to turn this into an itemized response and let my ruminating get the best of me.

    The cycle of me not getting help goes something like this:
    • This anxiety is completely ruining my life. I need to do something.
    • It seems like I might be gay, but it also seems like it could be OCD.
    • Perform OCD research. Decide it's pretty likely I have OCD.
    • Incessantly read OCD material to reassure myself and quell the anxiety.
    • Begin thinking about finding an OCD therapist, but stop because I'm terrified they won't understand.
    • Perform coming out later-in-life research here on EC. Decide that I see myself in every story. Decide that I'm gay and denying it -- so what's the point of wasting an OCD therapists time?
    • Enter into periods of catatonic staring and feeling disconnected from the world.
    • Consider breaking up with my girlfriend to save her from sharing in this hell.
    • Repeat step 1.
    Sometimes this cycle will repeat in the order of an hour. Sometimes in a day. But it always repeats.

    My anxiety gets me into a chicken-and-egg scenario where I can't determine if anxiety is causing lack of libido, or if lack of libido is causing anxiety. Of course they are related and it's likely a positive feedback loop.

    Honestly it is a major form of reassurance that a forum full of gay and bisexual folks are telling me to get lost and go get help because I'm certainly not exhibiting any signs of being gay. The problem is that I feel like then I haven't been fully honest, or I'm not explaining something right or in enough detail. Or that you guys are missing some critical detail or similarity to something you've seen in the past. That there's something I'm not saying that will effectively help you guys "diagnose" me as gay.

    Or worse, that I'm not being fully honest with myself, and that's why I can't seem to get the right message across. It feels like I can't fully classify them as intrusive. I feel like classifying them as intrusive is a cop-out. Like I'm lying to myself over and over again. That using language like "I feel like the thoughts are being hurled at me from the corners of my mind" is mis-characterizing them, and I'm just using language like that to obscure the fact that I'm gay and I probably would enjoy them if I could just relax. And yet I don't really know how else to describe them.

    Fundamentally it feels like I could be gay if I let myself. I know I've said that before, and I know it doesn't seem to make any sense, but that's what I feel. It feels like I could just decide to be gay. I could decide "You know what, I'm into men now".

    The hardest part is seeing similarities in peoples stories here about coming out later in life. ED issues with their wives, seemingly surprised by their sudden attraction to men, etc. I rack my brain trying to dredge up examples of when I might have had same-sex attractions that I didn't realize, but I always seem to come up empty handed, or with things that seem trivial and inconsequential. I'm really driven to try to explain these instances here in great detail to see what you guys think, but this post has already become 10x longer than I wanted to make.

    I feel like if I just say the right thing, someone will say "OH! Well you didn't tell us that before! Easy peasy: you're definitely gay!"

    I failed at making this a short post. My mind is always spinning full throttle and it's impossible to slow down.

    Sincerely thank you.
     
    #30 confusedpn, May 9, 2019
  11. Chip

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    And that, my friend, is the problem right there.

    You don't need a specialist OCD therapist (unless your therapist tells you otherwise). OCD is unfortunately common enough these days that pretty much every therapist that's been in practice for a while has seen it and has a good idea of how to treat it.

    The problem has nothing to do with not being truthful, or anything else. It's OCD. (The more you talk about your symptoms, the more they are consistent with OCD, but only someone who is qualified and is actually examining you can truly make that determination.)

    So... TALK TO YOUR THERAPIST ABOUT THIS NEXT SESSION. Print this thread and take it.

    Buy Jeffrey Schwartz' wonderful book Brain Lock, which both explains OCD and provides practical steps to get it under control.

    And given the depth of the problem you're describing, you may also need to be on medication, at least for a while.
     
    #31 Chip, May 9, 2019
  12. confusedpn

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    Thanks Chip. I'm going to do my best.

    Shortest post I've ever made!
     
    #32 confusedpn, May 11, 2019
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  13. silverhalo

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    Hey have you ever seen a therapist that specialises in LGBT stuff?

    It can be really difficult to tell your sexuality especially when anxiety adds itself to the situation. I would say it is possible that the anixiety is causing the same sex attraction to get cut short or pushed down but that doesn't mean it is certain. The best thing is to try not to think about any of it and then see what happens naturally but I know that is easy for me to say and almost impossible to actually do.
     
    #33 silverhalo, May 13, 2019
  14. Chip

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    At this point, given the OP's issues with anxiety and possible OCD, I think it would be a move in the wrong direction to see an LGBT therapist.

    The problem with thinking that's on the obsessive spectrum is that it doesn't matter whom, or how well credentialed, or anything else tells you something, it won't be effective in calming the obsessive thoughts. That has to be calmed and/or treated before anything else can be accomplished. And once that issue is addressed, I'm pretty confident there won't be any need to see an LGBT therapist. :slight_smile:
     
    #34 Chip, May 13, 2019
  15. silverhalo

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    Yes I can totally appreciate that. I think actually when I replied I had missed some of the posts and only realised after I'd posted and it was too late to change my post. Hence the slightly wrong direction it took.
     
    #35 silverhalo, May 13, 2019
  16. Brandy Bee

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    I don't think you're gay. It sounds to me like your understanding of sexuality is based on the common assumption that any of us are some defined category or another: gay, bi, straight. I'm afraid human desire, sexuality, love simply isn't that neat, and frankly, that's what makes it amazing.
    We're not defined by check boxes, these are simply descriptive terms used to describe some aspect of who we are and what we hope for in life, and yes, honest self discovery can change all of that in a person over time. Many do realize that they're gay later in life, but if your markers are simply episodes of ED or the sort of porn you choose to view or not view, then you're looking down paths that won't tell you anything useful.
    If it's true that you've never felt like being physically or emotionally close to a man, and you're being honest with yourself, then you're not gay today.
    And so what if you are? It's definitely not worth hurting yourself or killing yourself over. That's completely illogical.
    So that brings us to anxiety or some other matter to discuss with a qualified professional (which I'm not).
    Nevertheless, I'll say it anyway: it makes no sense whatsoever to hurt yourself because you're worried that, despite having never actually done it, you might one day feel like kissing a man or *gasp* playing with his dick.
    Lastly, I don't think there's very many 100% straight males anyway. If there were, then there wouldn't be men in porn really at all: the sight of a man receiving a blowjob would be generally unappealing to most audiences, but such are prolific in porn.
    Neither does masturbating in the presence of a friend while you're going through puberty mean anything. This is very common, even amongst "straight" men.
    So please relax, you're going to be fine.
     
    #36 Brandy Bee, May 14, 2019
  17. Lexa

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    I'm not a therapist but I recognize the situation you are in so I am going to try to give you my point of view. I myself suffered and still suffer from anxiety (but way less, thank you therapist!). And I also had doubts concerning my sexual orientation. I generally thought I was bisexual (which in my case turns out I actually am) but I had recurring thoughts that I was straight and then especially while having relationship problems with my BF that I was gay. My therapy goal was and is (my therapist's words) "getting better in regulating my emotions" and "becoming more calm". My sexual orientation kind of got adressed (and a whole lot of other issues) while working on that. I really think you should tell your therapist that you have these thoughts. He will be better able to help you if you do.
     
    #37 Lexa, May 15, 2019
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  18. confusedpn

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    Hey everyone,

    Thanks to everyone for responding. I feel sick to my stomach. Everyone has asked good questions and given good advice. I don't know what to do with any of them. This is the lowest point I've reached in my life.

    I've re-read this thread dozens of times. Reading what I've written, none of it seems obsessive. Just someone trying to figure themselves out. The newest responses give me some fear that I'm gay. I don't know what I'm afraid of.

    Someone asked if I've never felt like being physically or emotionally close with a man. All I can say is: maybe? I can look at current and past friendships, and the answer is definitely yes, I enjoy having a close male friend. But I don't think that it crosses over into liking them romantically or physically. But how can I know?

    And with all honesty, as much of it as I can muster and say I'm "sure" with any sort of confidence, in the times when I wasn't suffering from the anxiety I don't believe I've ever had a spontaneous thought or feeling about being physically or emotionally close with a man. But how can I know? And what difference does it make? I feel like analyzing my history for "straightness" is a fools errand. All I have is how I feel today, right?

    Every time I say something like that, I have a voice that's telling me I'm lying and I'm mischaracterizing the feelings. And that I feel like I should spend more time thinking about it to determine if it's true. What if that's just my way of protecting myself? Analyze everything to avoid having to make a decision.

    I try to think about who I picture myself with forever. I try to picture myself standing next to a man or a woman. I can't give a clear answer anymore. Nothing is clear. Or am I telling myself that to protect myself?

    I fell in love with my current girlfriend. And yet I feel like we can never be together. I imagine if suddenly a beautiful woman appeared in front of me and asked me to have my way with her, I wouldn't be able to do anything. I would be dead inside, sexually, for her. I wouldn't even try. I would be ashamed and embarrassed. I feel like I can never be in touch with that part of me again and it kills me. It kills me to know that my girlfriend can't do it for me anymore. That I can't enjoy that part of myself anymore. I feel emasculated.

    I miss my sex drive so much. I miss that feeling. It makes it hard to want to live. I spend large portions of my day thinking about my missing libido. Mourning it. Wishing I was someone else who had one. If my sex drive were at a normal level, I feel like I could much more easily dismiss all of these ideas as nonsense, and agree more with you all.

    I'm convinced I'm gay. I'm convinced I have to let go and be OK with it. I'm convinced I have to let myself have gay fantasies. I'm convinced I have to stop being afraid to try to have the fantasies, or to let them come. I've tried picturing myself doing simple things, like kissing a guy, things that are a lot less threatening than sex. It never seems to do anything for me. Occasionally it seems repulsive, but often times I just feel nothing. Occasionally I think "I'm sure it would be fine once you get used to it".

    BUT! For comparison, when I imagine kissing a girl, right now it doesn't seem to do anything for me either. It seems more "right", but I think this is just my conditioning and it's just what I'm used to. I feel like mentioning it "feels more right" is just me trying to solicit more "Don't worry, you're not gay!" responses from you guys and gals.

    Strangely enough, the only sexual act that I know I enjoy at the moment is giving oral to my girlfriend. I'd be happy just doing that for her. I know it for a fact. Oddly enough I think that makes me sound gay. Part of me is waiting for something inside of me to come and take that joy away too. This is the part where my attraction to women fades and is replaced.

    Every time I lay down with my girlfriend and don't feel like having sex: I'm gay
    Every time we begin messing around, and I feel like I don't get hard enough: I'm gay
    Every time I do get hard enough and it subsides too quickly: I'm gay
    Every time she mentions us doing something sexual and I feel dead inside: I'm gay

    To make matters worse my girlfriend is incredibly horny all the time. I feel like there's immense pressure for me to perform. And I feel that if I don't perform for her frequently enough or good enough that she'll want to leave me. In some weird way I feel like I'm competing with all of her other partners. I've never really had that issue before. I'm sure someone will mention that this seems like a perfectly good reason why I'm having ED and call it performance anxiety, but I don't buy it. A truly straight man wouldn't have these issues, or certainly not have them for so long. And not in conjunction with questioning their sexuality.

    I'm also burdening her with my anxiety and depression. This is affecting her too. And that makes me feel guilty and shitty.

    My endless anxiety and depression has to be rooted in the fact that I'm gay and denying it.

    I'm hoping that it's an anxiety / obsession because those are "treatable". Being gay isn't treatable. I think I'm just clinging HARD to my old identity and I don't want to let it go.

    When I think about going to a therapist, and when they ask what I'm there for, I can only picture myself saying "I think that I'm gay and I need help accepting it." Saying anything else feels like a cop out, or a lie, or me trying to start the conversation with them in such a way that they will tell me what I want to hear. "Oh don't worry, this is just anxiety or an obsessive issue". I'm afraid they will just agree with whatever version I decide to start out with and I'll never know either way. I'm afraid that's what I'm doing here, talking to you fine people. I'm afraid I'll be stuck with this uncertainty forever, and I'll never be able to love or enjoy sex ever again.

    Why do people turn gay? What sense does it make?

    I am neglecting everything in my life trying to sort this out.

    I feel ridiculous posting this for so many reasons.
     
    #38 confusedpn, May 16, 2019
  19. Chip

    Chip
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    Go and reread my posts of May 9th.

    It is highly likely you have symptoms consistent with OCD.

    It is also highly likely that your anxiety is sapping all of your sexual desire.

    And it is a near certainty, based on everything you describe, that you aren't gay, have no actual attraction to guys, and are stuck in this obsessive loop( which is exactly what happens to people suffering with OCD.)

    Everyone here has repeatedly told you that you need to talk to your therapist about the obsessive thoughts. Not saying "I'm gay and need help accepting it" because that is almost certainly not true.

    I have repeatedly suggested printing out this thread and taking it or emailing it to your therpist. But for whatever reason, you aren't interested.

    If you reread this thread, you will see that all you are doing is going in circles... repeatedly. No one here can give you an answer. And it is unlikely you will get an answer from anyone (or from yourself) until you address the anxiety and obsessive thoughts (I believe this is at least the third time I have said this, and probably the 7th or 8th time it's been stated in this thread.)

    You have asked for opinions and suggestions here, but you refuse to take the advice repeatedly offered here, which is to talk to your therapist about the obsessive thoughts.

    So... applying the psychology of Choice Theory here:

    -- What are you doing now? (Obsessing and doing nothing other than that.)
    -- Is what you are doing working (I think most everyone viewing this thread would say no.)
    -- If it isn't working, do you want to change it? (It would appear not.)
    -- If you want to change what would it look like? (The obvious choice is to talk to your therapist about the obsessive thoughts.)

    That's basically it. You either say "What I'm doing now is working" (constantly obsessing and making yourself miserable, in which case there is no need to ask others' advice, as you aren't interested in taking any of it) or "I want things to change" (in which case, you take the action step, rather than talking about it.)

    There really is no other option besides those two, and it's unhelpful to you, and a waste of everyone else's time, to keep going in circles.

    I'm not intending to come off harshly here; I realize that this is the OCD talking, and when the OCD is talking, rational thought is pretty much out the window. What I'm hoping is that with the exceptionally clear, unambiguous comments above, that will pierce through the OCD enough that you can reach out to someone (your therapist) who can actually help you.
     
    #39 Chip, May 16, 2019
    confusedpn and out2019 like this.
  20. confusedpn

    confusedpn
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    Hey Chip (and everyone else who has been so helpful),

    I've tried incredibly hard to stay away from this thread since your last post. And up until today I've done it. Everything you've said seems completely correct, and you are absolutely 100% right that I haven't done anything for myself other than obsess and run in circles despite your excellent advice. However, when I do post here I do so because I feel like I have something new to add. Some new evidence for you guys to look at and reassess.

    I'm hesitant to begin my rambling. I was about to go through everything that's happened over the past month and half. The ups and the downs. All of the examples where I was convinced that I was straight based on actual feelings with my girlfriend, or how I've felt during / after sex, or during certain moments of clarity. But I realize what I'm doing here right now is looking for reassurance from the anxiety. It has peaked again, and I sit with it at an 8/10.

    I'd like to ask a question without it seeming like I'm looking for reassurance or that I'm wasting everyone's time so please bear with me. However I think that's exactly what this is. I'm here because I'm hoping you guys will tell me again that I'm crazy and I have nothing to worry about. I think equally though I would accept the answer that I'm gay and denying it. It's funny of course, because somehow even if that was everyone's conclusion I'm not sure I would be able to accept it -- just as I can't accept the answer that I'm straight.

    Everyone has said that the defining characteristic of this is that I've never had any gay fantasies. And that's true overall. However I've begun to notice that the idea of being with a guy doesn't sound crazy to me. I hung out with a group of people this weekend (friends of my girlfriend), and it seemed that a couple of them may haven been bisexual. It made me massively uncomfortable as it caused me to ask myself all kinds of questions to try to understand if my feelings were like theirs.

    At one point during a discussion about ###### / sex, someone mentioned a friend of his who bottomed for 6 different guys in one day. And I started to ask myself: is that something I'm interested in? And I think the answer I came to was maybe/yes. I'm terrified of even saying that out loud. I want to give a whole bunch of reasons why I think it's not true, or that I actually would never want to do it.

    I don't know. Maybe this isn't any different. Thoughts keep popping into my head about sexual acts with men and I test myself to see if I like them. I can't get definitive answers. However sometimes I think that I don't mind the thoughts, and that with a little effort I could enjoy them. If I lean into them I will enjoy them. Maybe I do enjoy them. What if I enjoy them? How does that change things?

    All if this just feels like I'm gay and I don't want to be. The idea that someone could just have some obsessive/compulsive theme relating to their sexuality just feels like a steaming load of bullshit. I've convinced myself that it can't be on the OCD spectrum, and therefore seeking help for it will be embarrassing and a waste of time.

    I come here as a safe place to dump these thoughts in the hopes that someone will tell me something. I think what I'm doing here is hoping to have you guys help me accept that I'm gay. That's what it feels like at this point. I figure I can't be straight because this is not an experience straight people have. For someone to think this hard about this for this long should be more than enough evidence that I'm gay and denying it.

    These past 6 months have been the lowest point in my entire life. I don't have the words to describe how I feel on a daily basis.
     
    #40 confusedpn, Jul 8, 2019
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