I'm starting to get really frustrated with myself. I just suck so badly at coming out! I first came out to someone almost 3 years ago. It didn't go badly in the traditional sense (No pitchforks or yelling that I was going to hell etc. etc.) but it went badly a different way and I have since cut that person out my life. In the time since then I have come out to two more friends, both occasions went smoothly enough, and one slightly dodgy councillor who has also now been cut out of my life (unfortunately meaning I am now without support for my mental health). Of the two friends who know, one of them lives in another country. That leaves me with one friend who I spend time with on a regular basic who officially knows. I am getting really annoyed that this is as far as I have gotten. And the thing is, I know other people know or at least have strong suspicions! I'm in my 30's and have never dated a man and I am very openly outspoken about LGBT rights etc., attend Pride etc. - it doesn't take a genius! There are some people in my life who I know for a fact don't want the news officially, they'd rather just pretend that this isn't happening BUT there are others who I know will be absolutely fine with it and I feel like I shouldn't be finding it so hard to come out to them, but I really am! I mean, I have friends who are LGBT themselves and haven't even told them! I don't understand why I am struggling so much with this!?! I sometimes feel like I have kind of 'hinted' myself into a corner. As I say, people know! I know they know! There have been too many hints and accidental slips of the tongue etc. for them to not know or at least be suspicious! To begin with the hinting was part of the plan, to prepare people, but the plan was not to still be sitting in the closet 3+ years later with them all stood outside knowing I am in there!!! When I try to tell them now I feel ridiculous because this has been going on for so long now. It's like saying "Jane, I have something to tell you - I have arms!". I felt stupid coming out so late in life to begin with and now I am even older and feel even more ridiculous. Even, just on a practical level, getting the chance to talk with someone in a way that allows a coming out conversation to happen is proving to be difficult. All my friends are married with kids and meeting up with them and chatting to them more often than not revolves around that. So often I have planned to meet up with a friend and thought "right I am going to tell them this time" and when I see them it becomes impossible because their husband has tagged along, or because everytime I try and move the conversation in that direction a baby needs a nappy change or siblings are fighting and need separating etc. etc. and the conversation just dies before I can get it started. On one occasion I had really built myself up - I was meeting with my best friend and another very good friend. I am convinced the very good friend will be absolutely fine with the news. I am less sure of what my best friends reaction will be. I thought it through and decided to come out to them both at the same time. I was all set to go. I met up with them and before we'd even properly said hello to one and another the best friend excitedly announced that she was getting married and launched into telling us the plans for her wedding. I instantly deflated inside - I couldn't tell them now! How would that have gone?! "Awwwww! YAY! I am so happy for you! By the way I can't get married cause I am gay and it's still not legal for us to get married! But YAY! What colour are you thinking for the bridesmaid dresses?!". And that wasn't a one off! It feels like I am constantly wading through other people's news, tragedies, gossip and drama trying to get someone, anyone's, attention to stick just long enough to tell them! I've thought about writing messages or letters but honestly the prospect of doing that just does not sit well with me. I don't know - I just feel so stuck. Like I am going around in circles feeling more and more trapped and ridiculous by the day. And I feel so desperately sorry for the one friend who is here and who knows because she's having to listen to me babbling on and keep my secret. She has been so extremely kind and loving and I will always be eternally grateful to her, but I just feel like I am putting extra stuff on her plate that she doesn't need.
I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time with this. It's not that you're bad at it, it's that it's hard thing to do and it isn't made easier when circumstances conspire against you as well. Ultimately this is about you. I do think maybe re-considering writing might be the way to go. People can sit down and read a letter when it works for them; they can react, then calm down. It doesn't sound like you're particularly worried over most of these peoples' reaction. If it's important to you to do it in person, you may have to be very specific about what you need when you ask to get together. Like "Hey, Jane, I know this is a busy time for you, but is there any way we could do coffee Thursday night just us? I have something I need to talk about." I was a friend who was married and had kids and I would have made a special effort to come distraction free if someone was that specific. I hope you can find a way that works for you!
With me I came out as a late age teenager. I do not know, but my gut feeling, it is harder to come out the older you get. I can understanding coming out with your family, and your day to day coworkers. Coming out, you do not have to tell everyone. Even as a lesbian, I would feel strange if a woman cam up to me for the first time, and just told me she was a lesbian too. Even that I have come out, and someone that does not know me, and ask if I have a boyfriend and were never going to see each other again. Well yes, I would just lye and move on. Coming out is hard, but still, only a select few will really know in the first place. I hope I have given something to you.
I’m middle aged and have had good luck with the strategy @nykteria is talking about. I asked to get together with the friend or friends and made it clear I needed to talk to them about something. That way, we had some small talk, but they were ready when I started to tell them. I told some just as a part of conversation, but The hard ones/important ones I let them know in advance something was up. It gets easier each time with friends. And so far, no one has ridiculed me for my age. You come to terms with it when you come to terms with it. You’re doing this to move forward. You can’t change the past...only the future.
This may be a daft question, but if you suspect they know and you don't have problems dropping hints anyway, do you *need* to "officially" come out? The aim of coming out is to let yourself be you, and to drop the stifling pretence of being straight. It sounds quite like you are already there!
I used to be more worried about people's reactions, but as time has passed a lot of that fear has dropped away. Now when it comes to the vast majority of the people in my life I'm kind of at a place where I don't care if I lose them over the head of it. I hope that I don't - but if I do I know I can live with it. Unfortunately there is that small minority though - my father, my sibling and my best friend. I am not ready to lose them and as misfortune would have it they have all expressed some homophobic sentiments in the past (and by the past I mean as recently as last week) and I really can't predict how it's going to go with them. I am genuinely terrified of losing them or of our relationships being damaged/changing. I am struggling terribly when it comes to getting past that. I have considered that, but the main thing that is putting me off is that once I say that to them then I have to do it! lol! I have quite a severe anxiety disorder and the pressure to go through with it then might overwhelm me to death! Ha ha! It's something I might reconsider though. I don't know if it's harder, but perhaps it's difficult in different ways. I've been living my life this way for so long and it's hard to break habits. And these people I am talking about coming out to - they aren't people I've just known a few years. I've known every single person I am referring to for 20+ years. I have extremely close relationships with most of them - and yet I've told them lies, I've hidden quite a lot, I've not let them in on this for SO long. If I am totally honest - that might be part of the problem too. Letting them in on it is quite overwhelming. I am a very open person in pretty much every other area of my life, and there have been events in my life that have put me in the spotlight (my mum died when I was young, I have noticeable health issues etc.) ... but my sexuality was always tucked away from everyone. I know it's time to stop tucking it away, but the thought of it becoming other people's news/gossip, of having people observing me and discussing me again - that aspect of it all is slightly unsettling. Not sure I am explaining that correctly but hopefully you will all catch my drift. Yeah, I really feel like I do need to officially come out. It's all taking up too much space in my head - something just has to give! I need the release! As things stand I can't be myself! I definitely push boundaries from time to time but that stifling pretence is still a large part of my life. I live in a conservative area - I am surrounded by people who have a lot of very negative and vocal opinions about us. I'm often bombarded with those opinions and feel so powerless against them. There is a degree of guilt that comes with being in the closet in a place like this too - I feel like a coward hiding away while other LGBT people take the full brunt of all the nonsense that goes on. As I mentioned, even on just a personal level, some of my nearest and dearest have come out with some tricky statements in regards to the LGBT community. Both my best friend and my father have stated that homosexuality is unnatural, etc. My father told us when we were younger that he would put us out if we came home and said we were gay. My sibling is one of the "LGBT stuff is being shoved in our face! It doesn't need to be discussed/seen on TV" brigade. And I try and talk to them and encourage them to look at it from a different point of view but I all I really want to do is say "YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT ME!!!" You're saying that I'M not natural! You're saying you would disown ME! You're saying MY existence is being shoved in your face! You're talking about someone you are supposed to love! Someone who adores you! You know me! Can you really still think these things when you apply them to me?!". I find myself feeling increasingly angry and frustrated and I don't want to keep going through life feeling that way. If it wasn't for all of this I really would have very probably just done my thing and let people figure it out for themselves, but I just feel like I am drowning in this fear and frustration and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep my head above water.
So, if you’re getting sideswiped trying to bring it up randomly and setting aside a dedicated time to tell them verbally freaks you out, maybe a letter, email, text, etc is the way to go. I told the first two people I told via Facebook messenger and text respectively because of logistics and because I desperately needed someone to talk to. It’s a double edged sword because, if they react positively you don’t get hugs and smiles and things, but if you’re terrified, you don’t have to see their reaction and you can collect your thoughts before responding to each step of the conversation. The other downside being it’s nearly impossible to have an in depth conversation that way. Also, have you talked about this with a therapist? A therapist might could help you work through strategies on how to do it verbally and be able to get through it if you want to do it face to face.
I only have been able to get access to one councillor/therapist and as I mentioned above that didn't go spectacularly well. She is of the opinion that transexuality is a fad (she compared it to people being goths) and that camp gay men are a blight on the LGBT community. I found it difficult to deal with her after she'd expressed these opinions. I may not be transexual or a camp gay man but the next person in her door may well be! It also made me question how accepting she would be of lesbians if she didn't have one sitting in front of her. I think if I remember correctly her main advice about coming out was to just get on with it, unless I was still questioning and then she could maybe help me. There were other issues as well as that - she was basically just NOT good at her job. I need to be able to see someone else but that is proving to be rather difficult. I can't afford to go private but there are not many other opinions out there right now it seems. That's why I am here. I don't know where else to turn at this point.
So, when I was bracing for a difficult conversation, my therapist had me role play it. She basically had me say to her what I was going to say to the other person. Could you maybe practice what you want to say either to your friend who is in the know or say it to a mirror? Sometimes I’ll even just visualize in my head what I want to say and it helps. That or, again, maybe written form is the way to go.
OMG your therapist sounds absolutely horrendous. You were totally right to ditch her! I don't even understand how someone could be a therapist with those sorts of views? Whatever happened to Carl Rodgers "unconditional positive regard" !! I can empathise very much with your situation as I also took a long time to come out to people (in my 30's too). My parents aren't as homophobic as yours sound but my dad still makes some homophobic comments even now that he knows that I'm gay. When I came out to them they reacted well but I was a bit annoyed and am still at their lack of interested in the fact that I am gay and understanding for how difficult it is to accept it and they don't even acknowledge that my dad's homophobic comments will offend me even if they are only towards gay men, like it doesn't even cross their mind..... Anyway I digress.... Basically I told a few of my friends and then didn't tell anyone else for ages like you. Then I finally told my parents and once I had done that I just thought, I can't be bothered going through the whole coming out to people face to face because it is so stressful and anyway most people don't really care because they really just care about their own lives and they will probably think about it for about 10 seconds and that will be it. So I just decided that I would let other people find out through other people and anyone else who is close to me that I hadn't told I just told them on Whats App. Call it cowardly, call it whatever but to be honest, it's just about you and has nothing to do really with your friends or feeling that you need to be honest with them about who you are. They will probably have other secrets that they have never shared with you either and maybe never will share. Coming out is not easy by any stretch of the imagination. Even to people who you think will be accepting. I would say just do whatever you feel is right and whatever you feel comfortable with. Don't put yourself under pressure to tell people if you aren't ready, or to conjure up awkward situations. If it feels right just send a message, letter, email... whatever and then it is done and you don't have to deal with it any more and it's your friends problem not yours, if they have a problem. If your dad and sibiling are really homophobic I would just put yourself first and protect yourself. If you feel that you would be unsafe or they would reject you, I don't think you are being cowardly by not coming out because it does sound like you are in a difficult situation, and other people may have more supportive families which is why they have come out sooner. You have to put your safety first and no one in the LGBTQ coming who is worth their salt would judge you for this because almost everyone can identify with your situation to one extent or another. I don't know I think there is this huge pressure and a lot of judgement on LGBTQ people to come out, but everyone's circumstance is different and no one should feel under pressure to come out at any point. Straight people don't have to go through a massively stressful and humiliating time telling everyone that they are straight, so why should we? Just live your life, do what you want, if you want to date people, do it and don't worry about what other people think or having to be honest with others about who you are, it's really none of their business.
The other thing I would say is, right now you are living a very restricted life. I can’t imagine how hard it is worrying about being rejected from family members but right now you are restricting yourself in return for their love. How would your brother or sister like it if they were restricted from dating the opposite sex? I’m sure they wouldn’t be too happy. So why should you, just because of their outdated views? Sometimes you have to question, what kind of love are you receiving if that love has conditions on it? If your family can’t love you for who you are then do they really love you? Only you can answer these questions. But to be honest, love is really the only reason that we are all on this earth today & if you can’t love who you want to love, then you aren’t really living. I would guess that all of this is having a huge impact on your anxiety & you might notice a big improvement once you are allowed to live as you truly desire. You need to weigh that up against your fear of rejection.
