Narcissistic ex?

Does anyone else recognise retrospectively that their ex had some noticeable narcissistic traits? Has anyone else found it hard to move on from their relationship due to the manner in which they were dumped? Does anyone else struggle with feelings of anger and loss? I have really struggled to put my mixed up feelings to bed. I feel like a recovering drug addict....

 

I am referring to my first homosexual relationship. I adored her and she devalued me increasingly and was vicious at the end yet intermittently nice. I feel like a complete j**k for falling for her so completely and forgiving her. My ex longterm male partner is not like this. He has his flaws, but he is certainly not narcissistic!

 

Yes. And I understand your anger. When I needed her most she bailed on me at the worst possible time and made me feel like I was mentally unstable: I am not, but I was suffering a breakdown. The feeling of betrayal is huge, isn't it? I understand she is only communicating with her husband through their solicitors and racking up huge bills. At the time I was with her I thought she was the unreasonable party, now I am not so sure.

By the way did he once make you feel like the mist desirable woman in the world? She made me feel so sexy and intelligent initially, then started to chip away at my fashion sense and tell me I was too deep etc etc...but it happened over several months and I always welcomed her back into my arms and was the giver in the sexual relationship.

 

Thank you Sparki. It is hard when you begin to see that what you thought was real was really only an illusion of love, and that you actually really only loved alone, whereas the other person only really loved how you made them feel. And that this meant that when you were struggling, they dropped you like a hot brick with the unkindest words they could've used.

 

I have considered it and I did actually have a few sessions with a therapist after we broke up in December. I have struggled to accept that what she said I was to her was not what I actually was to her. I have struggled to rebuild my confidence that I can love again and trust another.
I have been forming the words to write her a letter - because I have only just accepted what she was. Until now I didn't fully accept that she is an emotionally abusive person. She claimed that she loved me even after she discarded me and right up until she found a new lover, but love is always founded on mutual respect for the other person. Love doesn't belittle. It doesn't undermine another person's reality. It doesn't attempt to control another person and become impatient and angry when one makes very difficult decisions in one's own time. It doesn't resent that one values others' opinions, including those of genuine friends and family. It doesn't accuse a person of having an undiagnosed or undisclosed psychiatric disorder, then worry that one is an embarrassment in front of family at the theatre afterwards - because one is trembling and tear stained following that verbal assault. And love doesn't "make love to" a broken person 3 weeks later and look intently into her eyes whilst doing that telling her "I love you but I cannot commit to you". I feel such a fool for having ever believed that I was loved... initially she gave me compliments, gifts and jewellery and dresses and I fell for her, hook, line and sinker.

 

Lots of truth here. Thoughtful as always, Silverhalo. The fact that she used phrases like "I have destroyed you" and "You know the ugly truth" after the events does make me wonder though.

 

I like to hope she was remorseful... But via What's App who knows? I think she was ashamed of the way she had behaved - the last time I ever saw her and we made love post break up in a hotek in the middle of the day (yes I know I am crazy) she kissed me and kissed me all over my face and lips as we parted. She promised to be there for me but of course she hasn't honoured that promise. It was the same place we had very first met - a car park in a pretty town approximately midway between our homes - the place where I had kissed her first when she had trembled with fear. She lives about 2 hours 20 minutes drive from me and now she is dating someone a good 4 hours drive from her. Apparently it is goid nut not ideal due to distance. Lesbian relationships suck.

 

Thank you for your continued support, Silverhalo. Such strong emotions - anger and sadness - it comes and goes. Yesterday was a good day but this evening I am struggling with my emotions again.