I posted on here a bit earlier in the year about my situation, and haven’t made much progress since. I’m in my mid twenties and still live at home with my parents. They’re rather controlling and I have little money of my own so moving out isn’t an option. They’re both incredibly homophobic. They’re not aware of my sexuality, though it’s not something I’ve ever hidden. I’ve never suggested I’m straight. And if I was asked by them I’d be honest. I’ve recently accepted I’m gay and not bisexual as I’ve always told myself. I hooked up with a guy several weeks back and although we didn’t do anything due to myself being anxious, it was the first time I’d ever said ‘I’m gay’ to another person. It’s something I genuinely wouldn’t want to change about myself, it’s shaped me into a more understanding person than I may have been otherwise. I don’t fit into any of the stereotypes, and I think this makes things harder for me. I don’t know how I would begin telling my parents. I would only want to if I met someone I liked, as I’m not sure it’s worth the negatives that’ll come with it otherwise. There’s a guy a first spoke to a few years back who I really enjoyed messaging. I felt we had a connection as he had struggled to tell his family. I know at the time he’d have liked to have gone on a date with me, but I told him this wasn’t possible. He said he’d have even been happy to be just friends, but at the time I was worried my parents would be suspicious of this. I did suggest hooking up with him, even though that’s really not what either of us really wanted. The two times we did arrange to, I backed out in fear. We didn’t message for some months after that. At the end of last year, I decided things need to change, and I messaged him with a ‘Hi’ with the intention of asking if he’d still want to be friends, or even go on a date. He didn’t respond which I found difficult. I worry it’s because I said in the past I wouldn’t be able to meet him past hooking up - when I now feel determined to properly get to know someone, to even go on a date. It’s been 6 months, but I want to message him again, making it clear I don’t just want a hook up, that I’d like to get to know him. I don’t expect him to respond and although it will be disappointing, I feel I need to do this so I can fully move on, so I don’t spend the rest of my life thinking ‘what if I’d messaged him?’ I know most people on here will tell me I’m going about things the wrong way and should come out to my family first before messaging him or anyone else. It’s so difficult as I have no support network and live in an isolated community. I just felt I needed to write this down and get other people’s thoughts as I’m really struggling to deal with all this on my own. I fear the rejection of my family’s so much, but realise it’s so hard to find decent guys (it’s so much harder than dating if you’re straight) and wonder if it’s worth the bother? Maybe I should never come out...
Coming out is such a personal and obviously life changing decision. There is no roadmap for doing so. All of us have to approach it based on our individual situations. Being gay will not change closeted or not,so only you can determine if you want to relegate your entire life to living unfulfilled. Life is too short not to live the life that makes you happy. If that is with another man then that is what you should do. Do you risk rejection by some, sure but most I think you will eventually find acceptance. You are who you are and really should not have to hide it. Personally I would urge you to come out. I wasted many years pretending to be straight and truly regret it now. Best of luck.
Hi @Dave3030 - I understand you live with your parents and that's not going to change. Are you able to travel, either day trips, or multiple-day trips? If you are, there may be some possibilities.
I would say message him. I did that recently with my ex gf after 6 years of no contact. Surprisingly she answered and asked if we could be friends. We have been messaging the past few days. It might be helpful for you if that person wants to be your friend.
I disagree. When people here recommend coming out, they are mostly talking about coming out to their spouses, which is a totally different thing. When you get married to someone from the opposite sex and later realise that you are gay, that person is in most cases entitled to know it. You are talking about your parents here, and your sexuality is none of their business. Frankly, I do not think you are under any kind of obligation to come out to anyone in your situation, especially to intolerant and homophobic folks that will most probably just use that as an excuse in order to make your life more difficult. The trouble is, you seem to be totally dependend on them. That's why I think you could put your more focus on gaining your independence, earning your own money, living on your own, maybe even moving to another town on your own. Leaving the nest, this is the way to freedom.
Thanks for your responses. Unfortunately moving out would be difficult - I really wish i could, but financially it would be impossible. I just feel hopeless. I just wish they weren’t so homophobic, but they really are.
I’ve been very much reminded, three days after posing this, of why my situation is so difficult. There’s been lots of coverage of London Pride on the news channel yesterday and today, and both my parents have made repeated nasty remarks about it. It just knocks my confidence so much, I simply can’t see a way to move forward.
Hi @Dave3030 - Man, I'm sorry! That's rough. The whole coming out and being authentic thing is tough even when you have lots of support around you. I hope you will keep looking and find those bits of support around you. I have felt something similar, that I'm stuck in this situation and there's no way out. This morning I was struck by the title of your thread, "Going through a rough time". "Through" suggests the possibility of it not being permanent, like going through a rain storm. I understand the feeling of being trapped, but please keep in mind the possibility of a way out that you haven't even thought of yet. And please keep posting. This is a good place to get ideas from people who understand. You're a good person, Dave3030. =Sevn
Please, don't give up! Don't lose hope! I know, it feels like you're forever trapped. It may even feel as if being gay is a curse (I myself, coming from a very conservative Christian background, have felt that way), but truth is that's who we are and nothing will change it (I tell you this at the same time I tell it to myself). So your sexuality is none of your parents' business. I know it's hard now since you depend on them, but eventually you'll be able to sustain yourself and then you'll find this amazing guy you long for. So hold on, things will get better!
Thanks for all your responses. In some ways I feel closer to coming out and things changing, but in other ways I feel it’s further away than ever.
It is very difficult to hide from your family. And endure all their hateful rhetoric. It’s so disappointing when the people we love don’t see things the way we do...even more so when it damages our potential for a continued positive relationship with them. I’m sorry that this is the case for you. That being said, cold hearted truth, you will likely outlive them and you deserve to be happy prior to that happening. One woman who cut her mom out of her life for constantly making her feel unworthy shared some great advice she received when debating whether to cut her out of her life which was: “you can be unhappy for the next 20 years while she’s still alive and wait until she’s dead to really start living, or you can cut her out of your life now, live happy for the next 20 years, and feel guilty for a year or two after she’s dead.” I would say same for your family. If, when you finally come out to them they treat you horribly, cut them loose. And I’m the meantime, do not hesitate to form relationships with people you want to date and other LGBT folks. They will be your backbone if your family really doesn’t respect you. And have some moving out money save too just in case. That’s my advice.
Thanks for your response JayTee. I get what you’re saying. What I find hard about it all though is it’s almost as though I have to accept I’m totally on my own, as I know they won’t support me.
Dave, are you in a rural setting? Can I ask how come so much dependence on your parents? My father was the same way, complete control. Dean
It’s complicated, but unfortunately it’s the way it is. Realistically, I don’t see anyway to get away in the short to mid term, if ever. I don’t want to feel like this. I love my parents. But ultimately I hate that their views have put me in this position, and it’s made all the worse when I know the guy I liked would’ve met up with me 100% for a date/whatever a couple of years ago. I wish I had been stronger.
What I’m saying though, is that you don’t. You just gotta booster your support system outside of your family. Lotsa love.
