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Difference between how I feel inside and how I'm perceived

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by CL1990, Jun 29, 2019.

  1. CL1990

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    in a nutshell, in the outside i feel more and more confident in my sexuality but in the inside no so much

    OUTSIDE:

    i started coming out a couple years ago although i had never actually kissed a girl but, last year i did kiss a girl and even though it doesnt seem to have worked out, i now come out A LOT: people will assume im straight and i will correct them no matter what. I used to feel angry about people assuming i was straight and not having the strength to come out but now its pretty much life admin.

    INSIDE:
    i feel the most confuse and weak ive ever felt. I was able to kiss and cuddle and "beginning" of sex with this girl i kissed but "being gay" was too scary for me. I feel like a failure and i have so much regret and shame of never having had full sex...im 28. i feel empty and incredibly sad
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey I'm sorry you are having some confusion inside. Do you think you feel this way inside because of being gay as such or just perhaps because you are 28 and you are worried because you've never done it before?
     
  3. CL1990

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    i think my worry is that im 28 and never done it before and my only change i had i got suppeeer anxious. but then again i get bombarded everyday with people that have all these experiences all the time. i just cant stop comparing myself!
     
  4. silverhalo

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    I can understand how you feel, I never kissed anyone male or female until I was 27 so it was a similar situation and it's easy to compare yourself but at the end of the day anyone that cares about your lack of experience isn't the right person for you. The right person won't care. Take it one step at a time and you will be fine.
     
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  5. Lin1

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    I agree that your experience does not define you. Personally when I am into a woman her potential experience barely register with me and definitely doesn't matter. I have been with someone for whom I was the first girl she was ever intimate with and let me tell you, she was GREAT! (Better than some experienced people for sure).

    I have had very good sex with some people and then very bad/average sex with the same people (and not necessarily in the order you might assume), so experience means very little in comparison to chemistry.

    Each sexual experience is unique because each girl is unique and likes things slightly differently. You can have sex with certain girls and perfect how they work and then meet someone new and realise that her tastes are completely different and what your ex liked doesn't work at all on this new girl. So it's all about taking the time to figure out what the specific person you are with like, healthy good sex will involve communication, a lot of it, from asking for consent to asking/sharing what one of you like/don't like and asking/receiving feedback.

    What's important is not to know what to do from the get go but to LISTEN to your partner (and her body) and not take the feedback personally. Remember, even if she doesn't like something you are doing or asks you to do things a little bit differently, it doesn't mean she thinks you suck, it's only guidance and the goal is for it to be fun for the two of you so take all the guidance you can get and thrive (and that works for you as well, your partner might be more experience but still not know how you work, she still get to hear feedback from you as we all have room for improvement, always).

    Don't stress, enjoy, most women don't care about your experience level half as much as they care about how they connect with you. :slight_smile:
     
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  6. CL1990

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    thank you! i guess at this point i feel a bit angry at myself as i didnt "make the most" of the opportunity i had and dont know when i will have it again...it kind of sucks coz it gives me anxiety but i guess its just what it is right now...
     
  7. Lin1

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    I think if you didn't do it then it's because it just wasn't the right time. I used to feel like that, and when it finally happened I think it made sense, I also think one creates a lot of the opportunity that ocure in life. Are you taking steps to meet new people? :slight_smile:
     
  8. CL1990

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    im not taking any steps tbh...i feel obsessed about this girl and its making me feel quite stuck and silly for waiting for someone that might have no intention of seeing me again...im pretty much just trying to make plans with friends etc as i think its what i need atm to get me through this depression ive got myself into
     
  9. beenthrdonetht

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    TL;DR: You're on the right track, don't let yourself overthink. (OK, that's impossible, so try to think about positive things!)

    I cut off your quote before the "fail" part just to emphasize how good this is. Yeah, it didn't have the "happy ending" you were hoping for, but — I'm letting out the secret here — it rarely does. At least, not until you get more practice. Let's not discount kissing and cuddling. You can have sex with yourself (yeah, more fun with two) but making out is, well, life-giving. Those people who seem to have it worked out? They're just blundering along too — and often torture themselves with regrets.

    Which brings us to:

    If you understand yourself enough to type this out, you are in good shape. Yes! Comparing things is 1) what we all do and yet 2) what makes us most frustrated. Really, it's the worst — except it seems irreplaceable for any kind of thinking! But try to take it with a grain of salt: it's your brain trying its best to sort out and categorize things, and e.g. for grocery shopping that's indispensable, but for life relationships it's self-defeating. OK I know easier said than done. But this caught my eye because just saying it shows that you have some good insight.

    Also, whatever @Linning says. Not only does she know more than I do in the first place, she's a woman and has more applicable experience. I just know something about crushing on various leading genders.
     
    #9 beenthrdonetht, Jul 5, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2019
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  10. CL1990

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    thank you for taking the time to write and thanks for your kind words!as always you guys are great support source in these times of need :slight_smile:
     
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