During the course of growing up, did you ever feel you were't your own person?

I still feel I don’t have complete control of me at times because of my past. But since the last couple months in therapy I think I’ve got a better handle than ever...

I’m sorry to hear about that “special school” that had to be awful. I had to go to a Christian school one year (8th because of some bullying and my school counselor thought I was gay and it would help)... it sucked

 

I always felt like I didn’t quite fit as a kid. Like I wasn’t normal. I didn’t feel normal until college. The funny part being, college was the first time I found other girls/women I felt like I really related to. What I didn’t realize until years later is the girls I felt comfortable with on band trips and things were the lesbians. Didn’t realize it until I started seeing their wedding pics show up on Facebook.

I’d always (until now) felt like I had to hide a part of who I was deep down. It was forced per se because of a school but it was because I was apparently good at hiding it.

 

I always felt growing up I wasn’t being me..like I was under control.. living to satisfy other people ... I was being who I was taught to be and who people would accept me as being. I wasn’t me until I started living my true self in college which was terrifying and exciting.. that’s when I met my now girlfriend and broke my ex bf heart.

 

I was sent to a Christian camp to get me more exposed to biblical truths.

 

Somewhere while growing up I internalized the idea that our identity is a role that we pick up in order to fit in. That's sometimes true--I identify as a craftsman like my father. On the other hand, I remember starting a factory job and asking others about motivation as if the job involved method acting. That seems excessive.

My parents ridiculed my oldest sister for moving to California and Hawaii in the early '70s, and my father criticized and even beat up my next oldest sister for refusing to back down over her life. I probably just figured that standing firm and being your own person didn't seem to be too great of a survival strategy. I went along, found places to be myself by myself, and it looks like I hid some stuff too.

 

I would think everyone would feel this way as a child. It seems like it's sort of objectively true--you're just not really in control of your own life. I certainly felt that way until I went away to college, but it never occurred to me to think of it as unusual in any way.

 

I started to read this thread thinking it wouldn’t relate to me, but in fact I’m relating very much to it . Growing up in the 60s and 70s I very much had to hide who I really am. Always acting out a role just to please others , never myself. My true self was buried as it wasn’t easy to come out without any support or friends (I detached myself from people, never got close to anyone in case they discovered the true me). My parents always had this mantra that you shouldn’t let people know your business.... nothing had to draw attention to yourself . I’m not camp or loud , just an ordinary guy, but I’ve wondered if this mantra developed because my parents had realised I’m gay and so didn’t want anyone to get close (to me) or find out? I was never encouraged to make friends or bring anyone home, had no friends at all at school .
I had no real friends at all until I was in my late 30s, and still suffer from social anxiety. Looking back I missed out on so much , never got invited to parties or had any birthday celebration.
I turn 60 soon and even though I have a partner who wants to celebrate my big birthday (he has a big family who celebrate anything and everything ) I don’t feel confident or comfortable to deserve this , because I’ve never had it as a child . Plus my own family wouldn’t want to participate (for other family members yes, for me, no).
I just self gift as I’ve always done , and had a big trip away with my partner , not drawing attention to myself as usual .

Sorry for my rambling , I hope this relates to the subject . It’s interesting how hiding our true self makes things so lonely, isolating and difficult for us throughout our lives .

 

Yes, but mostly because of my introversion, "existential thinking" and having vision defects since birth. In childhood and teen years, I actually felt very comfortable at home and didn't want to leave to have the "total freedom". But I struggled to find someone with whom I could be myself and not pretend to be a "usual kid".

Despite my introversion, I craved to "fit it". I had very high sense of justice, and sometimes I put justice above friendship, which messed things up until I learned that it's not nice to try to solve other people's problems "the right way" unless I'm asked for it. And also I felt like my entire existence is a mystery that I need to solve. The questions "Why am I me and not someone else? Where does `me` come from and how did it get attached to this body? Why don't I feel `me`s of other people but only of myself?" bothered me much more than other kids and classmates, and I was often wondering - do other people think about these questions at all (in which case they are very good at pretending not to) or do they consider the questions too creepy and irrelevant to their everyday life?

And later I discovered my sexual issues and it got even harder to "fit in" or "be myself". I'm still learning, but I feel like I can be truly myself only when I'm alone.

 

Absolutely....
My situation was and is a convoluted mess.
I have always struggled with dysmorphia and I am finally addressing some lifelong misconceptions and repressed/suppressed feelings about myself.
I won’t bore anyone with the details but there have been many times I have questioned my own existence due circumstances of my birth and how it has negatively effected me for most of my life....
I was also bullied a lot growing up which reinforced some false beliefs...
There were many times I felt as though I was merely a pawn being pushed around for someone else’s amusement...
I think that I suffered from some sort of disassociation as a coping mechanism due to maladaptive ways of handing my anxieties as a child.