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Deeply in love

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JToivonen, Jul 1, 2019.

  1. JToivonen

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    It's me again...sorry to bother you with my neverending problems.

    I just wanted to know if something similar has already happened to you guys. And, if it has, what you've done about.

    I came to realise that, even though I'm still married to a woman, I'm in love with a guy. After years and years of denial and curiosity, he was my first. He's a bit younger than me (mid twenties) and he's smart, charming, witty, kind-hearted, sweet, Handsome, hot in bed... everything I've always wished for.

    I'd always dreamt in finding a guy like that (even when I wouldn't admit it) and when I did, I guess it was kinda of impossible not to fall for him. And the best part is that it was mutual. He was the first to say he loved me. He was always so romantic...I could feel how much he loved me and cared about me. I truly had never felt like that before!

    But, problem is, I'm married. And of course it makes me feel guilty. And he felt guilty too, because he felt he was breaking a family apart, so that's why he asked for some time apart.

    It's been a while and I'm still super sad. I miss him every single day. I even cry sometimes. I think "I must be crazy to fall for a guy that quick!" I keep questioning if this love is for real, since it happened so fast and...well, it was an affair after all.

    Since my parents are divorced and I grew up in church, I have all those mental images of guy leaving their families and them being selfish jerks. So I feel like a horny bastard, self-centered and with a flawed character. I always ask myself if it's right to leave my wife to be with him (although I know that, even when he didn't exist in my life, I already felt like leaving). Even when I think of him (yes, I fantasize about having a future together with him), I sometimes think "well, if I abandoned my wife, I may as well abandon him too in the future. I can't really love anybody but myself".

    So...have any of you experienced something similar to that?
     
  2. Northern guy

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    I’ve experienced love, and I’m in love with my partner right now. I have never loved anyone outside of a relationship I’m in , so I can’t offer anything relating to that.
    But as an outsider , I homed in on your comment that you were already considering leaving your marriage before you met this young man .
    Maybe that is the area to which you need to give your most intense consideration. You’re married and of course you can’t engage in a relationship with this young man unless you leave your marriage .
    I don’t know if you’re gay or bisexual, but it sounds like you don’t intend to remain in your marriage . Leaving a relationship is never easy , but it doesn’t mean you’re bound to leave every relationship. Sometimes leaving is the right and fair thing for all concerned .
     
    #2 Northern guy, Jul 2, 2019
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  3. bearheart

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    I agree with @Northern guy, if you were thinking about leaving the marriage in the first place why don't you concentrate on this for now?
    I don't know what are your reasons for leaving the marriage, but could be anything. Gay or Bi could be one. Do you love your wife? Does she treat you well? Do you have kids with her? How old are they? Does she have a job? Would she be able to sustain her life if you leave her? Many questions that you only can answer.

    The overall advice is that, if you're gay, it'd be unfair for both of you (and your wife) to continue the marriage, and the sooner is the better ending it. You don't want to leave her (which could eventually happen) after 20 or 30 years of marriage, it will be much more difficult for her to handle the separation then. I separated after 25 years of marriage myself and it was difficult. And although I didn't have an affair during the marriage, i had problems with her in general,which was the basis for the divorce.

    I can tell you that, if you postpone the divorce it'll be unfair for both of you. Having a lover also complicate things a bit more, so try to isolate your feelings during this transitional period and work on resolving your marriage situation first. If you're Bi, then you'll have to evaluate it on a deeper level and see if you can come out to your wife and whether she'll accept you the way you are or not.

    Lots of variables in your case. Sit down, clear your mind, isolate your emotions, jot down your options, pros and cons of each, and come up with a plan.

    Let us know if we can be of any help during this process.

    Hugs
     
  4. Sundara

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    You have similar experiences with me. It is hurt while you are married and you can't do anything with him.
    Try to avoid all about him. I know it is hard but you should focus on yourself and realistic. Forget about him, try to focus what happen today. Think about reality.

    I keep myself in a plan and my dream to have a guy in the future with the best person if I were single.

    Be realistic!
     
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  5. Contented

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    I came to realise that, even though I'm still married to a woman, I'm in love with a guy. After years and years of denial and curiosity, he was my first. He's a bit younger than me (mid twenties) and he's smart, charming, witty, kind-hearted, sweet, Handsome, hot in bed... everything I've always wished for.

    I'd always dreamt in finding a guy like that (even when I wouldn't admit it) and when I did, I guess it was kinda of impossible not to fall for him. And the best part is that it was mutual. He was the first to say he loved me. He was always so romantic...I could feel how much he loved me and cared about me. I truly had never felt like that before.[/QUOTE]

    I know exactly what you mean here. For me I needed to leave my then GF and take up with my BF. He is like you stated above everything I had ever hoped for, fantasized about and when I found him I wasn't going to lose him. Best decision I ever made, worth the all the problems, pains and adjustments. It took me 50 years to finally experience what real love was. I never imagined I would find it with another man.
     
  6. JToivonen

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    I'm not sure if I'd use the word "consider", but surely I've been fantasizing about leaving for a long time.

    If I'm true to myself, I know I'm gay. It's been a while since I haven't been aroused by women in general. But I'm married and, feeling "the duty" of staying in my marriage, "doing the right thing", I'm trying to see if I can be bi.

    My therapist suggested that I may suffer from a sort of OCD that keeps asking me endless questions, like an eternal loop of doubt and second guessing. Apparently it's some sort of denial. So I sometimes feel that this feeling that I'm not able to love anyone but myself is just some sort of attempt to delegitimaze my gay drive.

    I'm so freaking confused right now...and scared to death as well...I mean, if I look at the facts it's like "c'mon, who am I kidding? I am obviously gay!" but then I feel the responsibility towards my wife, the promises and vows I made and how destroyed she'd be if I ever let her...it just freezes me. So I'm desperate because I want to see if there's anything I can do to save my marriage and to, at least, be bi but, at the same time, I fear there's nothing I can do, so the anger and desperation get stronger. I'm at a crossroad not knowing where to head.

    I do. But, as the time passes it's getting more and more evident that I don't love her the way a husband is supposed to love his wife.

    She's the sweetest, even while she's suffering so much (I'm out to her already). She's doing what she can to have me back.

    I do, a one year and a half old baby. The cutest thing!

    She does. She probably wouldn't be able to sustain her life, at least in the beginning, but she told me she'd move in with her parents. And I can support her financially. I'd never leave her with nothing, that's for sure.

    I feel that way too. But there's this huge pressure for my marriage to work. And I have this hope, probably unrealistic, that I somehow can "overcome" or "take" the gay me so I can be only with her, happily. But I'm not sure if I can. Again, I get confused and scared.

    I told her that and she agrees. But, for the time being, she doesn't want to give up. So she keeps investing in me, buying gifts, cooking food that I love, hugging and kissing me, telling me that I look hot and that she misses me...all those cute things that are so damn hard on my soul, because most of them I can't say them back honestly. So it fills me with guilt.

    That's definitely the right thing to do. But it's so damn hard not having a man by my side!

    Thank you for being so supportive!

    That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to avoid thinking not him, but that's almost impossible. Everything reminds me of him...our song keeps playing in the back of my mind. I feel like crying all the time. But I know I have to get over him, at least for now.

    I keep this journal and I write a lot about him. Everytime I miss him or remember him somehow.... but now I'm not sure if that's a good idea, since the more I write, the less he "disappears". But, at the same time, even though I try hard not to think about him, I still do. So should I just ignore those feelings and thoughts, pretending they're not there?
     
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  7. JToivonen

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    Leaving my marriage, for me, is not so easy. As I said, I feel this massive amount of guilt only by fantasizing about leaving.

    My therapist suggested that one of the reasons it's do hard for me to leave is that my father left my mother when I was a kid. So I saw her suffering, as a woman, and we, the kids, had our own issues too. So, from a very early age, I've told myself that I'd never do that to any woman. Also my family kept telling the big jerk my father was for doing it to mom and my siblings and me, what a selfish bastard! So now, when I think of leaving, I think "so this is what I want? Be the bad guy?"
     
  8. Nickw

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    This is going to come off a bit harsh and that is not my intention. But, you have fallen in love with a man. Haven't you already checked out on the marriage? How can your marriage continue under this circumstance? (question not statement).
     
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  9. JToivonen

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    No problem, that's okay.

    True. I did check out on the marriage. And this is so true that, as soon as I realised I should forget the man I fell in love with, I felt like I was single. So I, without even noticing, started to check on other guys. Only then I told myself "wait a minute, that's not right, I'm married!"

    That's what I keep asking myself. What can I do to "check in back"? Is that even possible?
     
  10. Nickw

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    Whenever I am struck with making a decision that involves another person I try and consider what I would want me to do from the other person's perspective.

    In your wife's shoes. Do you think she would want to remain married to you knowing you are in love with another man?
     
  11. JToivonen

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    Definitely not. But what I'm trying to figure out is if it's realistic possible for me to fall in love with her again.
     
  12. Nickw

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    Let me ask a pretty simple question. Did you ever feel for your wife what you felt for your male lover?
     
  13. JToivonen

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    Honestly, I don't know. I've been thinking about this very same question, trying to find an answer. The thing is, I've with her for eight years. I only met him in last February. Is this really love or just burning passion?

    Even though I deeply care about him, and my feelings for him go way beyond the sexual barrier. I fantasize with watching tv hugging him, going to places, traveling, making life plans...but should I allow those fantasies? I've known him for such a short time!

    I deeply care about her as well, but honestly I don't fantasize about anything anymore with her. Then I think "is it my fault, who replaced her and put him in my heart?" I'm aware my heart was somehow vacant before him...because deep down I was looking for a guy like him, but I kept telling myself "I'm married, I love her, she's my wife, there shouldn't be anybody else!". And I don't want to be intimate with her anymore, honestly. And being with him...was the most sexy and hottest I've ever done in my life. So I think "am I just horny? Am I just a lustful, selfish bastard?"

    As you can see, I'm confused.
     
  14. Nickw

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    Do you believe there is anything wrong with being lustful for a man? It seems to me that you may be concerned more with giving up the "idea" of being a married straight man than you are with actually being a loving and present husband? It is difficult to give up straight privilege. As a bisexual, I recognize that one part of my sexuality is so much more acceptable than the other. I don't want to give that part up. Is that part of what you feel?
     
  15. JToivonen

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    No, not at all. It's been a while since I became an accepting person. And, when I met him and after our first meeting, I felt this intense feeling of being true to myself. I must say I was kind of trying to feel "filthy", because then I'd know that I wasn't really gay. But that never happened. Quite the opposite: it didn't feel sinful or wrong at all. It felt light, effortless, meaningful, pure (in the sense that it wasn't fake) and normal (in the sense that it was natural). Sex had never been so fullfilling.

    And it was more than just sex. I enjoyed his presence. The things he said, his sense of humour. Our conversations, we sharing our pain and dreaming together...we connected big time. It's been a while since we talked for the last time, but last Saturday was my birthday. He emailed me and said that, even though we couldn't really talk yet (because of the fact that I'm married makes him suffer), he still deeply cares about me.

    All I wanna do is call him and tell him that I want to be with him. But I have to calm down, breathe in and be rational.

    Maybe, in some sense. I mean...what I feel is happening is that I'm desperately trying to be a loving and present husband again, but I don't know if I can. I surely don't want to give up the stability of being married...I grew up in a conservative church, so that has a big weight. I also don't want to hurt her just like my father hurt my mother when they separated.I developed through the years a massively strong sense of "I don't want to be like him" when I promised myself I'd never do the same with any woman. At the same time, I developed an immense protecting sense, so I want to shield her from any hurt at any cost. So I guess all of that counts and it creates this big wall that I just can't climb or tear down.

    That counts too, maybe that's why I feel so pressured in trying to make things work.
     
  16. Nickw

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    you wrote

    "Make things work"

    Hmmm. Does it feel like you have to force yourself to be someone you are not?

    Thing is. These attractions you have for men will only grow stronger as you get older. I was pretty satisfied in a straight marriage until my wife could no longer be intimate. Then my same sex attractions became almost overwhelming.

    I've chatted with, had beers with and befriended a dozen or so later in life married gay and bisexual men.

    Without exception, these guys all reported the same thing. The intensity of desire to experience same sex intimacy continues to become stronger. You will not "outgrow" this. Suppressing it will destroy you. You may destroy your wife with you.

    Sorry to be so blunt. But, you are trying to stand up to a force of nature and it just doesn't work.

    This is assuming you are indeed gay and not bisexual. Bisexuals may experience all of this a bit differently. But, everything you've written seems like you are more on the gay end of the spectrum.
     
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  17. JToivonen

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    Yes, definitely. Including being happy when I'm really not.

    It's happening already. The whispers you described quickly became this loud shouting. And I'm still only 34, yet I'm already close to a meltdown.

    I've been feeling that for quite a long time.

    I'm aware of that...but...I don't know, maybe my hope in outgrowing it comes from the fear of facing it... coming out of the closet and separating.

    Or maybe it's because I don't want to end up like my father... who's lonely and bitter. Being raised as a Christian, I grew up listening to the stories of how much of a jerk my father was for leaving my mom and that now his sad life is the outcome of his sinful life...I just realised that maybe I have this thing internalised in me, since I've listened to everyone around me saying it all my life (people talk about it even today, and that includes my siblings).

    All I know I have this HUUUGE fear of separating, because it'll mean that I failed as a man, just as my father did. And of course I fear for the results too. I know it's not at all rational.

    Don't worry about that, it's fine. Blunt is needed sometimes.

    I honestly don't see myself as bi. I tried to...but I think it happened through the bargaining process of my self discovery, when I no longer ignore my same-sex urges, yet could not admit to myself being gay. But the fact is I long for men. I check them out. I love it when I just can be myself around them. It feels okay, it feels natural. And being intimate with one was by far the sexiest thing I've ever done.
     
    #17 JToivonen, Jul 10, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2019