Hi, everyone. I’m not sure this is the right place to discuss this, but since I’m almost 40, the later in life section seems to be the right one I am very recently divorced, so basically I can do whatever I want. But the problem is, I don’t know what I want. I have had sex with both men and women before, but I am still not sure about my preferences. I enjoy sex with a woman more, however there are certain aspect in sex only a man can provide. But there are also certain things I can not do - I can not do oral sex with a man - the thought of putting THAT in my mouth just makes me sick. So- to sum up, I have come to conclusion, that I sexually I prefer women, but on an emotional level I want to be with a man. Maybe it’s some form of internal homophobia or maybe my emotional orientation differs from my sexual orientation. In this case I’m screwed Any advice?
Hey later in life is open to anyone or anything. Perhaps since you are newly divorce the total freedom and limitless choices is causing your confusion. Perhaps rather than tying yourself down to either men or women you just need to meet some of each and just wait until you find someone that feels right.
I have a feeling that 40 is too old for anything. I know it’s crazy, but this internal feeling really slows me down. It seems almost inappropriate to feel like this, to post question like this etc. I don’t know why I feel like this in 21st century when 40 in the new 20..
I don't think 40 is too old, why should it be. There is no reason you can't find someone and have many happy years
Yeah, sensibilities and preferences evolve over time. But no age is too old for living life fully -- but you get to decide what "living life fully" means. @Soulstone , you are at a beautiful age. Enjoy it!
Thank you, guys, I appreciate that you are taking time out of your lives to reply to a complete stranger and make me feel a lot better.I don’t know why I have this feeling that now it’s almost already too late to figure myself out - like if I don’t know who I am by now I probably never will. I realize I have to figure it out on my own, but I am a bit tired of all the soul searching I have done over the years to get where I am now. Is it ever gets easier?
Do you think it's perhaps fear that makes your subconscious say oh well it's probably too late anyway? What if almost all the hard bits are out of the way and great things are just around the corner?
That very well might be the case. But I guess I am just a bit tired of this “almost here” state of mind.
@Soulstone The coming out process is a tumultuous one. Waves of self doubt. Wondering which label applies. There is a Ted Talk titled 50 shades of gay. I think you will find it most helpful. There is no cookie cutter way to be in this world. As you learn the differences between gender identity, gender expression, biological sex, and sexual orientation it will become more clear that labels are a general categorization yet do not define you as an individual. Absolem, the caterpillar, asks Alice, “Who are you?” I have written my thoughts on labels once before. Just know this is a journey of self discovery. Uncovering the parts of ourselves that were hidden away.
Found the old thread from May 28, 2018, the problem with labels, posted by Peterpangirl. You may find that discussion helpful. As with anything take what resonates and discard the rest. (Still working on this one.) Below is what I wrote. I have been giving this label thing some thought... Identifying as a lesbian conveys my sexuality not my relationship status nor tell you of the life I lead. To me labels are an approximation. A way to quickly convey a concept with a word. Labels do not define a person they simply give you an idea of their identity, how they think, or what they believe. It’s like seeing like the tip an iceberg.
What I want the most is to finally meet someone who cares about me, regardless of gender..I’ve never had that in my life. If only I could have a magic wand to make it happen.
In a way we have the same problem, but opposite. For a long time I resisted the notion that I could be intimate with a man beyond the lusty aspects of sex. I never had any issue with wanting THAT in my mouth, but with thinking about a relationship beyond THAT aspect. Once I accepted this possibility it afforded me the most freeing aspect of my coming-out — even more significant than announcing it to my world. So I guess my advice is, be you, try some dating with guys, and see if the chemistry changes you outlook on the physical aspects. I suspect that if you end up liking a guy enough, all the parts will eventually fit together nicely.
1cgd speaks the truth. When you find a male you click with, it suddenly seems so incredibly right. Chemistry is everything and when it happens the results are spectacular. Inhibitions and nonsense taboos disappears to be replaced with passion, sensuality, eroticism and just plain pleasure.
@Soulstone , I love that! That's a wish worth holding in your heart, and remembering when you blow out the candles on your birthday cake. My belief (so do whatever you want to do with it) is that you need to be receptive to your wish being granted in an unexpected way. It's good to be as specific as you need to be, but as general as you can be. Also, it helps to think about what you have to offer. My wish is that your wish comes true! Hugs- =Sevn
I can relate to that at some level. I'm also almost 40. I consider myself biromantic graysexual, but actually I had never had sex before. The reason is that my sexual attraction spark is very selective, only to much older men with specific looks and behavior, and my attraction is very fragile. If the person takes off his glasses or changes his clothes, I suddenly would feel sexually repulsed. In addition, I'm an introvert person who likes to live in small, quiet towns where LGBT communities are non-existent, so I actually have never ever met any gay in person. Ok, I suspect that one of my old classmates was gay but I didn't feel any sexual attraction towards him whatsoever. So, for me the only way to deal with my sexual issues is to fantasize - not on some explicitly sexual content (that leaves me cold) but just seeing a mundane image of someone who triggers at least some desire, and imagination does the rest (although my fantasies are almost never sexual - it's more emotional, and then the reaction "down there" just happens). Also, I cannot imagine long-term relationship with such a man - we would come from different generations, have different interests etc. I don't like economics, politics, history - I'm more sci-if, tech, psychology, philosophy guy, which makes my long-term options even less probable. With women it's totally different story. I can get romantic and chivalrous around them, I can find common interests (not typical girl stuff, but the topics I mentioned above) and we can have lots of fun together and get to a point when we feel like more than "just friends"... but I don't feel any sexual attraction, and that's my deepest pain. At this moment, I'm also in some kind of "relationship" with a woman. I told her very early that I have serious problems with physical&intimate closeness, so at least I'm more or less sure she understands that, most probably, it will go nowhere. At the same time, we are starting to feel more and more like "soulmates". And now I'm afraid where it will go and if she truly understands my issues. I definitely don't want to force mixed-orientation relationship, although some part of me craves for just that - emotional, romantic, intellectual closeness, despite the sexual issues. And then there's that deeper, sexual part of me screaming "Hey, maybe someday you'll meet the right man!" Well, how long should I wait? 40 years is very long already....
