That may be an odd question, but I was wondering: Since I'm not out (I mean, I'm out to my wife but she can't accept it, she's still fighting for us, so we're still together), I can't do what I want. So right now I'm home. It's Friday night, 10:48 PM and I'm thinking of all the fun and the nice things I'm missing right now. The life out there I'm not enjoying. I know it sounds silly...and that's life is not all rosy, but I wish I could do something about it...you know, something that made me feel alive! I didn't have to be partying hard ... I just wish I could be with this guy that I fell in love with...just being with him would be fine. But I'm not with him - neither partying nor getting to know other guys. So it makes me feel sad and a bit depressed. I feel so young and so full of energy...but here at home, doing nothing...it feels like I'm wasting my life. No wonder I have all these "I'm dying" dreams. So basically that's what I'll do. I'll sleep. At least I won't feel a thing. And, if I'm lucky, I can dream with a guy. Have you ever felt in a similar way?
Yes. I get lonely on the weekends. I wished I could get out and meet other LGBT people. I'm still grieving the last relationship I had with a woman. I'm currently married to a man. I don't want to party either I just want to hang out with other LGBT people. I'm a stay at home mom too so I am isolated. I spend time on messenger with my friend which helps but I still want to get out of the house.
Yep. I'm home alone. Was stood up for a date tonight, and also for a beach trip tomorrow (although that one may get rescheduled). I'm sober now and I have a regular AA meeting I go to on Fridays which has been super helpful. But Fridays were always a huge trigger for me in terms of drinking and drugs, especially in summer. Just realized a friend left a bottle of wine in my fridge last night and I went and poured it in the sink. I spent a little time fleshing out an idea for a movie that I've been playing around with. Probably going to watch a little TV and go to bed early. I feel peaceful now. Yes, I'm missing a lot. It's Pride Weekend here in the city and there's tons going on, but I'm really not big on that whole scene.
One thing might be that it is best if you find separate living accommodation so you can have independence. It might be best for your wife also - however painful it may be. It sounds like the current tension isn't suiting either of you. Maybe you could have 'couples therapy' so she is running at the same speed as you and you transition together. Or have open and honest communication with her about how you both should move forward - and still stay friends.
So it's all your wife's fault? If not for her you'd be out partying and falling in love with a man, no questions asked? Hmmmmm ...
I'm not saying it's her fault. And I'm aware life out there isn't all rosy. It'd not be all perfect if I were out. I'd still have good and bad days. But, since I'm still trying to figure everything out, the truth is that, right now, I want out. That's how I feel. There's also this guy, the first and only gay that I had sex with...I know I could be with him if I were single and the fact that I'm married is exactly what made him ask me for some time to think. So it's impossible for me not to think that, if it wasn't for her, I'd be with him. Sometimes I download one of those hook-ups apps...I know it's not cool, since I'm still married...I don't do anything, really, I just check how cool could it be if I were out. And even though I only download it, see what's like and then uninstall it, I always get lots of responses (I use my actual pics, but not face pics obviously), and I obviously feel tempted. And since I know I can't do anything, I feel frustrated.
I get it. My point is that what you think about is very important in determining how you feel, and that you are choosing to think things that make you feel bad. You can be in exactly the same situation you're in--married and struggling with whether to leave your wife and start dating men--without making yourself feel bad on purpose.
Not sure about that...I mean, I know that if I keep thinking about the things that make me sad, I'll get sad. But the things is that I've been trying to suppress all this sadness for a long time and it hasn't been working. I've tried focusing on different things and it doesn't work everytime. I've noticed that it's very common for me to feel less sad when I'm her doing things that don't require interacting, like watching something, for example. So it's maybe rather telling.
