I guess we all live in that in a way but for me, it feels like I live in a really "straight" world! I came out to my parents almost 4 years ago and since then, I never surrounded myself around people who are gay, lesbian or bisexual and I haven't dated! Because of this, I have no idea how to tell if a woman that I like is a lesbian or if she's straight. How do you tell? I don't want come up to a woman I really like and say, "do you like women?" or "do you date women"? I don't want to offend her! I happen to like this woman a lot but I don't know if she's straight or what but lately, whenever we'd talk, she's not always keeping eye contact with me. Is that bad? What kind of body language or signal should I be looking for to know that she's gay or not? God, I feel like a middle school kid, learning this stuff! LOL. I have a feeling I'm surrounded by women who aren't gay most of the time. In your life, where have you met your significant other besides clubs, bars and pride parades?
Hi Liz81! I remember feeling like for 23 years haha. I will say that before I had a gf and was a part of a LGBT community, I projected my feelings onto a bunch of girls. It's way easier to tell who is a part of the "family," aka gay crowd, when you finally do become part of the LGBT society. I got into a good community by joining a gay sport's league with other gay gals and guys. Maybe look around to find a gay league? I saw you're in VA and found this: https://stonewallrichmond.leagueapps.com. It's in Richmond; Idk if that's close to you, but probably worth the drive if you don't know any gay people. FYI - I personally don't know about this particular one, but I know the gay sport's league that I'm on in Los Angeles really helped me find community, and it's where I not only made a bunch of friends in an awesome community, but I also met the love of my life there! So, how to tell if a girl is lesbian/bisexual or even bi-curious? It can be hard if she's shy. A good sign is if you touch her at all, and it seems like she's comfortable with it. Any girl that was not openly queer - or even knew that they liked other girls - that I have touched, all did this thing where they stopped in place but didn't have me stop - like almost didn't know what to make of it but didn't want to let it go. Usually a tell-tale sign is if you guys lock eyes but shy girls/ girls unsure of their sexuality might be scared to look at someone they're attracted to, so it would be hard to know if she is gay or not from her struggling to look into your eyes. It does show lack of confidence though. If she laughs at your jokes and they're not funny. She at least likes you as a friend, but this is usually solely for those that are just giddy when they're around you. Straight girl friends can be so similar to a female romantic lover. My straight friends and I cuddle, play with each other's hair, laugh at nothing together, poke each other's boobs, and falling asleep embracing sometimes. The only big difference with a romantic lover is when you touch there is something a little extra that happens, and you should be able to feel it. I can only describe it as a more focused feeling. When you guys touch, if that's all the focus is on - not the TV, conversational topics, or the spider in the room - and you see in her eyes and in her gestures that it's all she's focused on, then you know the touch is significant. That significance is telling if she likes you. If it's insignificant, then she probably doesn't. It's hard to read unless you can measure her heart beat and breathing patterns - but it should feel like a pause in other parts of life happened. Well, I hope that helps. Here are some sites I saw about lesbians and body language: https://www.liveabout.com/how-to-tell-if-a-woman-is-interested-in-you-2171567 https://love.allwomenstalk.com/lesbian-flirting-tips/8/ https://www.theclever.com/8-hidden-signs-secretly-lesbian-7-obvious-ones/ Good luck, Liz81! I know how frustrating this part of the process can be, but if this one girl isn't gay, there are plenty around! You just need to get yourself out there! Much love!
Hm, for me I guess I just ask and get to know them. Instead of asking if they like women though I'll ask if they have a boyfriend which is something straight women ask each other all the time. If they say no, then I ask if they have a girlfriend in a somewhat joking/accepting manner and then gauge their reaction. I got this tactic from a place I worked. The first thing a woman asked me was if I had a boyfriend and I said no. Then she asked if I had a husband and I said no. Then she asked if I had a girlfriend and I said yes. Then she said "right on" and that was it. It was the easiest coming out experience ever and I really wish more people just straight up asked. But yeah since we live in a straight world, I would ask about a boyfriend first and then go from there. In college, I was in class with this girl and eventually we were talking a lot and after she asked if I wanted to get some frozen yogurt and I totally did so we went. Then we were talking after in the parking lot and she told me she had to confess that she was gay. I almost laughed because I totally know how awkward it is to do that and I could tell she was scared. So...being the benevolent soul that I am... I pretended to be horrified and then was like jk I'm gay too. It was fun. We're still good friends to this day and it's been....8 years? Anyway, it's not so bad once you find a method that works for you.
Does she know you’re gay? If not, maybe try working that into the conversation and see where it leads. Maybe you could use Pride month as a focus of conversation.
Hey it's a really tough one because sometimes it's hard to tell. Your best bet is to try and get to know her better and as @SoulSearch says perhaps let her know that you are LGBT and then hopefully she might return the favour.
If that's accurate, I'm a [bleep] idiot... I mean couldn't it be just one person that felt like that?
Hi Liz81, Have you tried to go to any meetup groups? When I first came out, I found a couple meetup groups where I live and I was able to make a lot of new friends that way. In the meetup group, you do a lot of casual activities together, and there is no pressure to date anyone because people are usually there to only make friends. I find that it's usually about who you know because in my city as well, the gay community is very small. I mean there are stereotypes on what lesbians look like, but over the years I've found that lesbians come in all shapes, sizes, and looks. You can't really base whether someone is a lesbian by her looks. You could maybe look at her fingernails? LOL. As others have suggested, I would try to throw your sexuality into the conversation somehow. Maybe you could talk about Pride Month, or even bring up Ellen Degeneres or something. You could also talk about any obscure gay singers or bands. I remember when I was first coming out, I looked up many different lesbian singers and bands and got familiar with their music. Maybe that could help? Or just tell her you're gay, and see what she says. Hope some of this can help!! I know that feeling of trying to figure out if someone is interested and they're gay lol.
Not sure what you are asking... What I'm asking is if it's possible that only one feels that "pause". I've definitely felt it once, but I assumed it was just me (not even aware back then that this was a crush, mind you).
Haha I think she was questioning if this has only happened to *me* personally. You're saying is it possible that one of the two people feels this. The answer is yes, of course. I mean there is no complete science. People feel attraction in different ways. However, yearning for sexual conduct occurs with a feeling of wanting to touch the other person's body or wanting to be touched, soooo if the other person isn't into it, she probably doesn't like you that way. If you or another chick like it, she is more likely to want to do more than a slight touch. <3
Yes this is what I was asking but glad I caused some amusement. Yeah I think it's possible to be only one of the two. Perhaps she doesn't feel that way, or perhaps she hasn't figured out what it all means. Who knows.
