This is a post that I never thought I'd write. I'll be completely blunt...I'm considering looking for a guy to have a relationship with. OK...some background...I'm 68 years old, married for 41 years and I have never cheated on my wife. I was "out" for about 4 years from around ages 18-22, long before I ever met my wife-to-be. My boyfriend at the time passed away abruptly and my relationship with him was rejected by his parents. I didn't get to say goodbye to him and wasn't allowed to attend the funeral. The trauma from that experience caused me to turn my back on my sexuality and to live as a straight man. It has been 46 years since I have been intimate with another guy. On December 25, 2014, I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay. The guilt and depression that I carried for so long is gone from my life. Many of my friends have remarked that retirement seems to work really well for me as I am so much happier now! But it's not retirement...it's self-acceptance that has changed my whole life these last 5 years. When I first came out (here on empty closets), I vowed that I would never tell my family. I said that I would take my secret to my grave...and I was serious. A year and a half later I had come to understand that I was still being controlled by the big secret and that the only way to break that secret was to speak the truth to my loved ones. Coming out to my wife and oldest son was, by far the most difficult thing that I have ever done. But they have proved their love for me by their acceptance of the "real" me. So now, why would I want to rock the boat by looking for a FWB when my family has been so accepting? I guess the simplest answer is that I am human. It's not just sex...although that is certainly a part of it. I long for physical contact with another man...just the touch of his fingers as we hold hands. I long to look into another man’s eyes and hold his gaze…not to feel like I must look away quickly or someone will become suspicious. I wonder what it would feel like to walk down the street with his arm around my waist? …and so very much more. Sex…yes…but so, so much more than that. I have accepted my sexuality, but I have denied its fulfillment. I truly do love the masculine form, it’s unique power, sensuality, and grace, but I am forcing myself to partake of water and celery while I watch others dine at a banquet of amazing richness. I am committed to my wife and my family. I have three amazing sons, three wonderful daughters-in-law and eight little boys and girls that I love dearly. Doing anything that would harm this family is just not possible for me. And so here I am again at that terrible conflict. It seems like a huge chasm that I must cross, but there is no bridge, no airplane…just no way across. My mental health, which has been so much better since I accepted myself, is showing cracks in its foundation. Could I find someone who feels as I do…someone who would agree to a FWB situation that would allow both of us to have that male companionship without the potential of destroying our own families? Is that even possible or am I trying so hard to justify what my body/mind/heart wants (okay…other body parts too! ) that I am ignoring the impossibility of this situation? I don’t know…I really just do not know… I am open to your thoughts and suggestions… Right now I need my brothers and sisters in my wonderful LGBTQ+ family to look at all of this that I’ve shared. Please straighten me out where I’ve gone astray. I so want another guy standing there by my side, holding my hand. But I don’t want to find, in a couple of years, that I have set foot on that “slippery slope”…I don’t want to be sitting in a courtroom signing papers that will tear my family apart because I chose my own selfishness over my family’s love. Right now I so need your love and support. I love all of you…even though we’ve never met. I am going to be sharing all of this with my therapist soon. I’ve never been afraid to share with him in the past (exception when I came out to him)…but I am truly terrified that I’ll make the wrong choice, that I’ll say the right thing, but in the wrong way. Right now I just need your love and support… …..David
David I have been where you are. Opening up a marriage is a risky thing to do. Have you discussed this with your wife? How you navigate having a relationship while remaining married takes a lot of work and open conversations. I have found what you seek. But, I needed to find that in an unsustainable relationship with a younger man. We both know that running off together wouldn't work, long term, for either of us. So, our relationship has limits. Tomorrow, I will spend Pride going on a bike ride with my wife and boyfriend then going to the festival with both. Later, I attend a LGBT party with him and he will spend the night at our house. He's part of our family. This sounds ideal right? It is. But, sometimes it can really stretch me when stresses of life get in the way. It takes some rethinking about how I share my emotions and what I need to get from each relationship. I have lots of friends but no really close male confidants. So, my boyfriend also fills this need. I think that really helps. Regardless of the emotional, romantic and sexual sides of our relationship, we would be close friends. It helps me to understand this because I do need to believe my relationship with him is forever. Someday he will find a partner yet he will remain in my life. So. It is possible. Sometimes it feels selfish but I know I better for what I have with him. You may find the same thing. What you may find, though, is that most of the best guys will not want to be in a relationship with you and your wife. Because that's what it becomes. Your lover would need to have the same goal as you on maintaining your marriage. That is really a lot to ask for. You can find plenty of men to fulfill the sex only part. I have a dozen friends who I could do that with. But, I've found I don't like casual sex. So, it makes it harder to work out a situation compatible with your marriage.
David, I wish I had answers for you but all I have is camaraderie. I know what you're feeling because I feel it too: that contradiction between the intimate contact I desire and the reality of a family that sustains me, and for whom I am fully committed. I don't think cheating is the answer for either of us because we know keeping such a secret would be overwhelming, and it would be a betrayal of those we love so dearly. David, I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that I cherish our online friendship, and I am grateful for all the help you have given me. Let's figure this out. Big hugs- =Sevn
Sevn...Thank you so very much. There are times that the only shoulder I have to cry on is Empty Closets. We all need that one person who we can come to in a time of need and EC is definitively that for me. My wife has been pretty incredible since about the middle of 2016. She has accepted me, supported me and made it very clear that she does indeed love me. Her only request is that we keep this very private relationship to ourselves. She fears the reaction of our extremely conservative community and church. At first, I agreed with her, however, my outlook on the whole thing has changed over that time. Nonetheless, I do agree that the attitude of so many community members would be extremely negative. I have reached a point where someone rejecting me because of my sexuality is their loss, not mine. Whom I am attracted to is my business, not theirs. I have no right to be a bedroom inspector at their house and they certainly are not going to be welcome to tell the world what they "think" is happening in my boudoir! I love my wife (yes I do) and plan on spending whatever time I have left here on Earth with her. Would I like to have a boyfriend?....YES! However, the chances of that happening are not very much in my favor. It's an unusual person who can "share" their spouse with another person. Will I go behind my wife's back and have an affair? That question is really hard to answer. I made a vow 41 years ago to be true to her and her only. I take that vow seriously. If you have followed my life/stories here on empty closets you will know that a serious trauma left me with no memory of my first boyfriend. Things have changed and I now know that I was deeply in love with Tim from 1968 until he passed away in 1972. I know what it feels like to be very deeply, passionately in love. I respect and love my wife...but that love has never even come close to how I felt/feel about Tim. Would it be possible to have both the love of my wife and the love of a man? Perhaps...but those two individuals would have to be something very, very special! My head says that I should not even think about that being possible...that it just will never happen. My heart cries out and pleads with me to try...to find that person that could make me whole without destroying my marriage, my children, my grandchildren. In no way do I want to send a message to my sons that says I no longer love and/or respect their mother. She is an incredible woman who has proved her love for me many times over. Thank you for loaning me your shoulder tonight! More than anything else I think I just needed to get everything that I'm feeling out there on paper...and thank you to the entire empty closets family. It's times like these that I can feel the strength and support flowing my way! Thank you, thank you, thank you. .....David
I really could relate to that...and, as @SevnButton said, there's nothing I can offer other than empathy. I wish there was an answer...I tell both you and myself this. I'm currently in the middle of the process, so our questions and feelings are pretty similar. I do love and respect her, but I long to be with men (a particular guy I met, to be specific) and in the last months I've realised that it's not only physical, as I previously thought, it's also a need for a romantic bonding. My wife would NEVER accept anything other than me being exclusive to her (even porn is not ok to her..and I mean straight porn). So I somehow can understand what you've been through and, even though I can't really help you, at least it's important for you to know that you're not alone. People here won't judge you. We'll support you the best way we can. Hope you can soon find peace of mind!
I would say ... as is my wont ... that you should step back a bit from this fantasy you've created in your mind about what "could be" ... it sounds like you've built up in your mind this ideal outcome in terms of finding a boyfriend/FWB and now you're torturing yourself with either/or thinking ... either your family or your ideal boyfriend/FWB ... so stop torturning yourself first and foremost ... and there are no doubt alternatives to only two choices ... I'm not saying do or don't do anything nor would I think you'd be happy with yourself if you went behind your wife's back ... maybe you need to start a dialogue with your wife about what you're thinking about and your struggle ... not that you have decided to do this, but rather your struggle ... isn't that one of the benefits of having a spouse?
Hi David, My wife didn’t want me to be out either, though she loosened up about me being out when away from home. It makes a huge difference to me to feel authentic and whole. In a way, I feel as if that has helped me be comfortable, and realistic about not having a FWB. I hang out with gay guys (and L,B,T and Q folks) and see they are a lot like the straight folks I know, and live lives no more on the greener side of the fence than mine. In that way I see what @justaguyinsf is saying about fantasy. I also admit to my wife that the male fantasies continue. It isn’t like this is just going away. But in my case I’m still intimate with her. I’m bisexual, and I am not thinking I’m going to need to have a real relationship with a guy (other than friendship), in part because I’m finding being “out” to be enough. I don’t guarantee that I’ll still be in that same frame of mind years from now, because I can’t see that far. In some ways your example on Empty Closets has let me to believe I might be able to keep just with my wife. Saying all that, maybe you’ll be surprised what I say next: You don’t have to be my example. You should grow and flourish in the ways that counseling and conversations with your wife work for you. Your past experience of love with a man, the re-emergence of those memories, the re-energized person you are now all point to the health that comes to you as you embrace your gay identity. Please continue in health, and I say that knowing full well it might include things that make your family status-quo have to readapt. Your care and conscientious relationship with your wife and children sound healthy when that love and respect are coming through your voice... but if you ever start getting to resent where their fears (or your fear of what they think) keeps you from being you, then that is something to confront with your therapist for advice on how to be loving, supportive, and yet also assertive. Who knows what adaptations you negotiate with each other.
I haven't posted here in a while, for those who can't remember my story, it is a fairly typical one here: a late 30s guy in a long-term relationship with a women, kids, etc..who realizes that he is not straight and has been denying/ repressing it for ages. Only that I actually got married to her after coming out and all the turbulence that ensued. I am more or less back in the closet and the topic is unaproachable with her. We are a happy family and couple, but I am in a constant state of internal turmoil. I am unable to break her heart and destroy my kids' perfect childhood that I did not have because of separation. So I am carrying my cross for as long as I am able to and praying to God to give me the strenght to keep going. From what I can hear from others here, it doesn't seem to get any easier with time.
Here’s my two cents. Put up some dating profiles and mention you’re “discreet.” See who you match with and talk to. Maybe arrange a coffee date. Once you actually meet someone you’re interested in, you’ll almost certainly have a better feel for how to proceed before you cross any line you’re uncomfortable with. Right now you’re fretting over an abstract problem, but there are some steps you can take before actually sleeping with a man. In my experience, overthinking is the enemy, and action often brings clarity. Good luck.
