Trying to quit drinking. I am just rambling. Be free to ramble.

Well, in a way, asking that question of anonymous strangers is sort of a child-like way of receiving validation. I’m not saying that in a negative way, only that your mentality may be frozen as an 7-8-10 year old for some reason.

Of course, rationally, you may know the answer that everyone is worthy just as they are and you are too. Hurt, perhaps. Dealing with your pain in destructive ways, perhaps. Capable of mistakes, perhaps. Different, perhaps. But you are just as worthy as the rest of us.

Have you spoken with a therapist about these feelings?

 

I have used drinking to numb myself at times and I frankly enjoyed the experience. But in the long run it takes a big toll on your body and brain and it makes it harder to function, which keeps the whole cycle going. I would suggest paying attention to how much you're drinking, try to moderate it, and start to substitute in better ways of coping with the pain. Maybe pursuing a religious faith, medication, meditation, counseling, exercise, doing something you enjoy, something else, or a combination of the above. Also, if you're going to get drunk on purpose you should take care that you're physically safe (i.e., don't drive, be aware of your surroundings, etc.) Take care of yourself.

 

Hey Harjus, good on you for talking about it. You're just as important as the next person, so save both yourself and others, ok? The same goes for acceptance.

I can understand the feeling of not being worth saving. I still go through depressive periods where I feel like my being out there as myself is somehow wrong. Looking at it, my friends have been my saving grace; either I reach out or they call. I'm still looking for a support group. Others have given good suggestions. May I add AA to the list? There are separate LGBTQ meetings. Honestly, the people that I talk with most about my personal stuff are old friends who are in the program and are facing the things that are holding them back.

 

I can identify with your post for two reasons. First, I’m also an alcoholic. Second, I recently started dating trans women.

If you live in an area with AA meetings, I strongly recommend checking them out. It’s a great program and very inclusive. It’s nearly impossible to stay sober by yourself — they can help give you support.

As for your feelings of despair, I can relate too. I’ve been down in that hole myself. I’ve also heard many people in AA talk about their suicidal thoughts and attempts, so it’s not that uncommon. All I can say is that at some point, you need to decide whether to live or die. If you die, it’s game over. If you live, there’s a chance things will get better. But you have to take action. AA is full of pithy quotes, and one of the best is, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten.”

It’s not fair that you’ve suffered and it’s not fair that you have to work to get to some kind of equilibrium. Trans people have it harder than most. But there are other people who are also struggling and are willing to help.

Good luck.