This pride month has really gotten to me. I don't feel proud. I feel ashamed. I am; yes, a bit ashamed to be a lesbian. It's still so hard for me to fully love and accept myself and be proud the same way everyone else is proud. I can't relate to the culture of rainbows and glitter. All I can relate to is that I am a woman and I really love women and want to be with one. I feel like what I need most is a therapist hah. I am 27 years old, I am a lesbian. I am ashamed. I have never dated before. I have never been with anyone at all (of any gender). Not even kissed. I just make it seem that I am so independent and busy with work that I have no time to date, but it's not true. I am just afraid. I feel like the longer I go the harder it gets. This is has impacted my coming out process. I came out late and I am still not FULLY out, but pretty much everyone knows except my family. My friends all know I am gay and I have LGBTQ+ friends, but I never make it super loud. I feel like I don't fully fit into the community. How can I feel like a lesbian if I don't know what it is to actually BE a lesbian. I just. I feel stuck. I don't feel like a "lesbian" except for the fact that I am so god damn gay and attracted to women. I don't even know how to do this, how to get a girlfriend. I am also just ashamed of myself for not being as "loud and proud" as my friends. I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm all over the place.
Pride month can be difficult. One thing that has helped me with pride in particular was looking into the history of it, and getting an understanding that "pride" in this case isn't necessarily about feeling good who you are(although that can certainly be part of it). Instead it's an affirmation that despite the oppression we are under, we have a right to exist as human beings. It started out as much more of a protest against violence, much of it state sanctioned. I'm 37 and still single, because I have PTSD and a history of sexual abuse, as well as being extremely introverted. Sometimes I don't feel well about that. However life is also full of good experiences too. Do you like to read? Finding stories with positive representation of people like yourself can help. An LGBT support group in your area with people you can talk openly to can also help. Having hobbies you enjoy and can share with others can improve life too, in addition to it being a great way to meet new people.
I can relate, although to be honest, I've never really felt ashamed of myself for being gay. The negative emotions I've felt towards my sexuality have come from how other people have treated me. For instance, people feeling sorry for me for not having a boyfriend. They give me a sympathetic look and say "oh, you'll meet someone" or "I hope you meet someone". Or, they roll their eyes and say "You need to make changes so you can meet someone". Either way, they are expressing disappointment in me for being single. Guess what? There's no fucking shame in being single. Just because I'm not in a relationship doesn't mean I sit around feeling depressed about not having someone to share my life with. I'm quite happy on my own. And if I'm not happy on my own, well then, it doesn't help to have friends and acquaintances pointing out how sad it looks for me to not have a partner. If anything, it will make me feel even more lonely, because it puts me off wanting to talk to these people as I don't want to keep putting up with their negative reactions about my lack of romance. And then there's the "loud and proud" thing. Some gay people are just quiet. It doesn't mean they're hiding their sexuality, it doesn't mean they are giving into the homophobes, they just have quiet personalities. This is another thing our acquaintances need to stop reacting negatively towards. Don't try to push me into being "more fun", just let me relax and do what makes me feel comfortable. By pointing out how quiet and dull I'm being you're just putting me off wanting to hang out with you, and I will end up excluding myself even more. While its great that these people are supportive of my sexuality, it's not so great that they are unsupportive of me being single and quiet. I still want to be accepted for who I am, and if that means being a gay man who has no boyfriend and doesn't like to be loud and flamboyant, then they need to accept that about me as well. I really had to stop giving a fuck what other people think, even if they are gay, or gay-friendly.
I can relate. And I think the advice you already got is great. I can very much relate to the feeling that there is one right way to be a lesbian and not feeling like I fit that mold. But my experience is also that when you get to know more and more lesbians, you also start seeing that there are many ways to look and act as a lesbian. Joining Facebook groups for lesbian/bi women really helped me with this. If you want to start dating, then Facebook-groups can be a good thing. I am a member of a local group and we plan cosy get-togethers to be social (and maybe find someone to date). New people always join. For me this works well (I don't enjoy ###### or going clubbing). It really tales the pressure off when meeting new people and dating this way. Maybe you would feel the same way?
Yeah, when people feel sorry for you being single it does suck. I feel like it's just them projecting their own feelings because they would feel miserable because THEY need a partner whereas people like us are independent and can still *BIG SHOCK* function without a partner.
Yeah, that is a good idea. I feel EXACTLY the same way! I don't think I can meet people through clubbing or dating apps! I am pretty social and already involved in other things so I feel like I can definitely benefit from joining exclusively LGBTQ+ groups. I live in a big city so it should not be too hard to find something like that. Thanks for the advice!
Hey I am sorry you are struggling at the moment. I didn't come out until I was in my mid 20's and I definitely struggled with some of the things you mentioned. I figured out I was gay and then was like, hang on I don't even know how to be a lesbian, what am I supposed to do but the truth is the is no handbook, there is no set was to be a lesbian we are all different apart from the fact we all like girls. I would suggest you check to see if there are any LGBT groups in your local area and perhaps join them, meet other girls and you never know what might happen. Dating can be scary but I can assure you it isn't worth it. You don't have to be out and proud, you can just be you. I think if you let yourself enjoy the good bits perhaps you will feel differently.
Oh, you're welcome! I hope that people take it that way, intended with love and support. It's not always easy being different, and figuring out how to make peace with that is difficult but rewarding.
Fear hold people back from a lot of things .. Why are you ashamed of being lesbian ? And why are you afraid of dating someone ? you
Well, I guess thats where it gets deeper and probably some internalized homophobia. It's something I am trying to get to the bottom of and figure out myself. I am ashamed of being a lesbian because I feel like I am a let down. I am already the black sheep because I am in a creative field, I have tattoos and piercings. I am very much my own person. I just don't want another reason to be different. I suppose that is the root of it if I had to put it simply. But I do love being a lesbian, I do love that I get to love women. I just still have deeper issues I have to work out. I will save that for therapy. I am afraid to date because I just don't know what to do and it brings me so much anxiety thinking about putting myself out there. It's new territory for me and I feel like I missed out by not dating when I was young, but thats because I did not realize the reason I was not that interested in guys was because I liked girls.
I can totally understand your fears but as far as not knowing what to do on a date, I'd say go with what feels right. Usually when we get things wrong it's because we are overthinking them. Everyone is different, you just have to find a girl that is the right fit for you. Then your instinct will be the right one.
