It’s not set in stone, but if things continue as they are, then myself and my daughter will probably be moved out by the end of July. I’m finding it really hard to wrap head around the idea. I can’t imagine not living here, with my partner, and not because we’re “best friends” or anything, but because it’s been my life for almost nine years. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel. Any way to get it to sink in?! Also, I’m concerned about how my daughter will react and adapt. As I’ve been advised not to let my partner know (domestic abuse), I can’t let my daughter know in advance either. My therapist has offered to work with us together afterwards, to help her process the change, so that’s something. Any words of wisdom welcome.
it won’t be easy but you are doing the best thing for yourself and your daughter. Will you have time to pack and move everything you want or are you just trying to take essentials and get out quickly? I left home five months ago, but still have a lot of stuff in the house, so it’s been hard just logistically as I discover what I’m missing that I actually want or need. I also miss my ex, who was a good husband and my closest friend for 25 years. I get emotionally attached to places as well so it has been a time of grieving for me. It’s also very exciting to set up a new life. I set up a little rainbow display next to my bed — a photo, cards from my GF, a Pride heart, etc. it was liberating not to need to hide evidence of my sexual orientation. Setting up my own checking account and credit card was freeing too. Independence feels good. My son was 6 and he has adjusted really well. He’s pretty laid back and flexible with change though. Create a fun space for your daughter with her stuff from home. Do some fun activities with her to help take her mind off the changes. Work with your therapist on the best words to use and try not to badmouth your ex in front of her. Hope the transition goes smoothly.
I left my partner a few months ago. It was really difficult, lots of tears. We weren't "best friends" either- well, he says I was his, but he wasn't mine (didn't treat me nicely for a long time). I was worried for my safety as well, he had mental health issues, but in the end he managed to pull himself together and helped me move- he still had hope we would reconcile- until he realized (think he hacked into my email) that I'm pretty much gay, and chances of reconciliation were pretty slim because of that (and all our other issues). It was sooooooooooooooo hard.....good luck! My daughter managed it all ok, I asked her if she was sad that daddy and I don't live together anymore and she said "literally mom, it doesn't matter" (she's 7), I think mostly because I've been her primary caregiver her whole life while her dad just basically sat on the couch. I wish you all the best!
I think kids are more resilient and adaptable than we give them credit for. My parents split up eventually after years of my Dad having an affair and I honestly wished they had split up a long time before they actually did. They are both so much happier now. I think kids can sense the unhappiness and tension. I think children would rather have 2 happy parents that are separated than 2 miserable parents who are together. How is your daughter relationship with your (ex) partner? Do they get along well? Is he a good father? I would second @SoulSearch that if possible try not to bad mouth your partner in front of her and let her grow up and make up her own mind. He might not be the ideal partner but he’s the only father she’s got.
@LostInDaydreams my situation was almost a year ago. We had been living separate lives, I was already out to her. My kids were coming with me, and they were 17 and 18 so quite different. We had been together for 23 years, and there were far bigger issues than me being Gay. But many people have adjustment issues. No matter what you are leaving what you know. While I would never like to go back, after a year I am still struggling with the idea that we are not all together all the time. However, while that seems strange still, I also cannot imagine being back. I feel so much less pressure now that I don’t live concealing my truth. Living with my sons and my parents, none of them have issue with me being gay. And while I still have feelings for my wife, they were never romantic and I feel no pressure to carry on the charade.
@dirtyshirt84 and @SoulSearch Thanks for your replies - I have no intention on bad mouthing him, but due to safeguarding concerns, I have been advised to only allow them supervised contact initially. With the “secret” move too, it’s going to be hard to explain why she can’t see him, at least right away. He’s bad mouthed me to my mother and step father several times, and will openly mock me and put me down in front of our daughter, so I guess it’s not going to be pretty, though I may be pleasantly surprised.
Our situations with our spouses are very different, but I'm preparing to move myself and my girls (ages 5 & 8) out the end of July as well. We'll be sharing custody 50/50, so that's rather different than what you have going as on as well. But my husband and I told them just last night. I did all the initial talking and actually started with being gay (though I didn't use that word yet with them) and then moved to the divorce piece. My older daughter sobbed at first, which made my younger cry. But once they settled, we talked and they asked questions. And today was filled with periodic questions as I'm sure the coming weeks and months will be. But what I can see clearly already is that they will be ok. It will be hard at times, but they will adapt. We just tried to keep it positive and about choosing happiness while validating their sadness at the same time. You can do this. It's a lot, I know. I'm overwhelmed by it all in waves. But we have to believe that happiness is at the end of it.
