IS it normal, for what that word is worth, to struggle and struggle and finally start to become you true self and after you start that journey wonder if it was really worth it? I thought, maybe wrongly I guess, that everything would be fine after I came out. Was it worth it after all these years? Today I'm not sure. A whole different set of feelings that I didn't count on. Well, not much in life has turned out as I thought it might why should this be any different? The people that I told were supportive at the time and most still are. I told the owners of my work. A brother and sister. About my age, members of a conservative church called Silo. They were supportive but now seem distant. I risked everything to be more of myself. In the long run a hope it was worth it.
I think it's pretty normal. I think about whether it was worth it a lot even though now is the least stressful part of the process so far. It'll be worth it in the long run, it just takes awhile to rebuild a life. That's pretty much what we're doing... rebuilding our lives from the very basic foundation of who we are.
I’m sorry that you people you told now seem distant. What would you like those relationships to look like? Is there anything you can do to make that happen? I imagine it’s normal to build up anticipation and a positive image of what your life could be like. Do you feel better in yourself for the process that you have made? What more can you do to get your life to where you want it to be?
Dean, if I recall correctly you are married. Does she know? If so, how is she handling the news? Is there a desire to stay together?
I think it is normal to feel like you're on your own at times. When we first come out to people and they are kind and supportive towards us, it feels great, like our relationship with them is going in a new direction. Except, those people can't be there for us all the time. Life gets back to normal and they all have to go back to focusing on other things. And so that brief moment we had, where we came out and felt like we were the centre of the universe and the people we are close to got to be a part of that, has passed, and we suddenly feel a bit underwhelmed. All the people you've mentioned in your original post seem to be people you knew before you came out. Eventually you'll meet new friends who you don't have any history with; they won't know what you were like before you came out, and they'll never meet the person you used to be, they'll only know the person you are now and the person you are becoming. Having these new interactions with people will enable you to see yourself through fresh eyes and something will change in how you perceive yourself. Then you'll start to realise it was worth it.
When I read this I see "still quite a bit of shame" between the lines. Gay shame that toxic puss is so debilitating and at times it just seems it won't go away. There lots of little baby steps then all of a sudden you walk out of tunnel and see the light.
I first “came out” to friends and family when I was quite young. Most were supportive, though my parents were not. They’ve since changed their perspective. But I had a similar feeling as you do. In retrospect, I realized that what I was really looking for was validation. I wanted them to reassure me it was ok. But to most of them, it was just one more bit of news in their day. They figured I was ok with it if I was telling them. They probably didn’t care much one way or the other. I would have to find validation myself. Or rather, be my own source of validation. Self esteem comes from the inside, not from other people’s opinions. This process takes a long time and often goes way deeper than just telling people your sexual orientation. I certainly haven’t finished. And I often still wish other people understood the depth of my struggle and the pain I’ve felt. But they can’t, or won’t. Doesn’t matter. All I can do is live in line with my own values and try to feel good about that. Hope this helps.
