Vulnerability...

Took some time to read over this thread (and what I’ve posted in Guilt...), after getting past the crazy grammatical errors (hazard of using a phone) I gotta say it’s been a crazy couple of months. There are a few things I could have, maybe even should have done differently, but all in all I am thankful for this thread. It really did help me get over the walls and figure out how to start letting people in. It really did give me a chance to explore emotions from my past and vent them. It also ended up showing me that you don’t always get what you expect or even maybe are looking for when you’re open. That’s ok too!

I had a moment of doubt and I’m sure there’s gonna be more. I doubted if this was worth it... sharing all of this, going through the process that brought up stuff I’d rather left in the past, and even what I was doing here.

EC kept me going three years ago while I was going through accepting I was gay and coming out while married... I came to EC after I decided I did deserve to be happy and that I didn’t have to end it all to escape the pain I was in. Then I stepped away after some disappointments, but after a good while I came back. Wasn’t sure why I did at the time but now I know. I needed this place for what was coming.

So here we are... it’s not the end of this situation but circumstances are changing. I don’t like being a person who needs others. I like to handle things myself and it just keep it moving. I know I can lean on others but I’m starting to think I lean here way too much. I realized that this past week... checking in daily and feeling on my own. It shouldn't be like that. I think I’ve set myself up and caused this situation. I’m not sure how to fix it...

 

It does seem a little easier to open to strangers, or at least for me. I think that’s the appeal of EC. Honestly I legit vent here before therapy and use it as a way to kinda process my thoughts so I can sort everything out. Then I go in and she blows it all up lol. Being here as long as I have (even with my break) I’ve seen people come and go. And hey I’m still here. That can get discouraging,, it’s also hard when those you get accustom go discussing things with aren’t active or participating. That is when I wonder why? Wasn’t easier just dealing alone? I mean you can’t miss something you never had... I don’t know if that makes sense.

At what point does asking for help turn into nagging, whining, becoming unbearable to those around you? That’s what concerns me here at times. I don’t want to be that needy person because... well I know what happens to them, what said about them, etc.

I do see some progress for sure that makes me happy. Tomorrow is another therapy day and honestly I’m dreading it. I think I’ve just been emotional raw since last week and that’s impacted my feelings here, with family, and friends.

I am trying... I’ve always felt alone. Even surrounded by people so it gets hard to see those around. And then when they are I wonder why they are there? When they are going to leave? It’s not healthy and shows another side to my crazy but it’s true.

 

Had therapy this morning... it was more a clean up session from last week. When she asked how I was feeling the only word I can think of to describe it is raw... very exposed from everything. We talked about this and such. She said she thinks that is promising and wants me to learn to be comfortable with being “raw” or vulnerable... I’d rather vomit honestly. Trying to keep it moving.

 

I think I’m hyper aware of this honestly. I feel like my problems are minor compared to most and that’s why I’ve kept them to myself.

When you hear things like... “it’s time to get over it!” From family in reference to the sexual abuse you experienced at 4 it’s kinda awkward dwelling on these thing. The smell of greens cooking trigged the memories of the first encounter so now every time I smell them I get very very sick. A couple years ago my family wanted some and my grandma who knew about the abuse and the greens said she was cooking some. I said... oh, ok well I’ll go hang with (my younger siblings on dad’s side) and visit them. When asked why I said that smell makes me sick... she literally said that happened over 20 something years ago it’s time to get over it. It’s funny, not really but kinda, how much these things have impacted me. I’m starting to think they done as much damage as the abuse itself.

I’ve said this in therapy since coming out... I don’t know who I am. That scares me. I don’t want to be a jaded queen. I like the up front but up best views. I’m scared I’ll lose the person I built to hide in and not like the person underneath. That’s terrifying.

You had me saying hell yes... till I reread it and caught the word... yourself! Joking, but seriously I know we are all outback own worst critiques. I guess I expect perfection from myself and I don’t know why....

I’ve had this reply for a couple days but been trying to figure out the perfection thing. I’m not sure if it’s cause I’m a middle child, or that I was the problem child, or that in family therapy everyone said I was the the thing destroying our family when I was like 9 or 10, or what... but I’ve always felt I’ve had to fight for my place at the table. I had to earn my love and maybe I feel that same way about self love and respect. So I have to be perfect and when I’m not I beat myself up. That’s why I hate how I look and can’t see progress on weight loss so I don’t eat, that is why I get super nervous regarding sex until the moment comes because there’s and easy way to tell if you accomplished that task, even when I cook for people I want it to be perfect... this is interesting...

 

No. The times I’ve talked about it hasn’t gone well. It’s not a subject that’s really acceptable to talk about. If it is discussed it’s more about how it affected others. Three days ago my mom said the worst day of her life was when my grandma passed recently, it had been when my little brother passed. Then she paused... and said nope. You know the worst day of my life, there’s no a way parent can prepare for that or recover from that. She was talking about the time I told her at four the old guy at the babysitter had molested me... it’s still about the damage it’s caused her.

I’ve mentioned it in therapy but in passing and not to this therapist. I probably should for sure...

It’s hard breaking out of the mind of who you are suppose to be... I thought I had when I came out. I was way wrong for sure!

It’s weird to say this but I do feel more secure in myself than I ever have before. I feel a mess and raw and all but I feel more like me... I don’t know how to explain it.

Reading this made me think of Bree Van de Kamp on desperate housewives... I’ve always liked her and I guess it’s cause I get that. Hiding behind the fake smile and the perfect exterior... people don’t ask the funny guy if he’s sad, the nice guy if he’s lonely, the outgoing guy if he’s insecure, etc. that’s been my whole life. I learned it quick. I’ve said it before here but it gets clearer I guess...

You’re right. Once I understand something I feel better about it. Like the shame and guilt from the abuse I have a better understanding of where that comes from... it’s weird but I need to make sense of it to get trough it I guess...

 

Yesterday was another therapy day. It’s the second time I went in blank. No idea what to talk about. I’d thought about talking about what @Mirko you suggested but it just wasn’t there. When I sat down I had nothing that would come to my mind.

She asked how I felt.... all I could say is I have no idea. So she asked again because evidentially that isn’t an appropriate answer. Weird, she didn’t like that either. But that’s all I had. I repeated it... “weird, awkward, I don’t know what do you want from me?” Kinda said that a bit more aggressive than I wanted to.

That’s when I realize all week I’ve been saying things I’d never say. I’m always honest but normal in a very tactful, thought out way. But the last couple weeks it’s just came out... and until yesterday I didn’t notice.

For a split second she made the same face she did our first session. The one that made me almost not go back. I pointed it out and said I know what that means... you see me. She laughed and said yea... but the thing is now you see yourself so let’s focus on that. I’m exhausted! See what happens next week!

 

I’ve tried to come and comment a couple times, but it’s been hard. So I was talking to a friend on Tuesday about an encounter they had recently had with a “friend.” I was surprised the person had stayed the night and during our convo I admitted I’ve never actually slept with a guy. I’ve hooked up and hung out after but always went home or sent them home and slept alone. They asked why and we talked about it... I finally realized it’s about trust. Not as much about trusting them but trusting myself.

So that’s what I talked about in therapy yesterday. I don’t trust myself when it comes to friends, lovers, relationships really.... I second guess everything and don’t let my guard down. Mainly because I’ve made some poor choices in the past that’s led to problems for me... like thinking I could be straight, the abuse stuff, etc. Now gonna figure out how to trust myself.

And now that I’m typing this maybe I do have to forgive myself... I said I didn’t want to have to because I didn’t want to have any responsibility for certain things but I may not be able to escape that.... crap!

 

This process has been torture. I’m now more depressed than I’ve been all year, feel more alone although I’ve been more open to some a few people in my life, and still kinda lost! I think I should rethink this entire thing for sure!

 

Yea and my doctor as well know I’ve been down more the last few weeks. They’ve pointed it out and we are working to monitor it.

Vulnerable and not in a good way! I mean alone... it’s kinda like I’ve emptied out an account and ain’t got nothing coming back like not sure what else to say honestly.