What is the biggest surprise you've learned since dealing with your innate sexuality?

Similar. How much mental energy I was exerting to ignore and numb out large swaths of the world. Just watching movies is more relaxing because I’m not trying to distract myself from admiring and just feeling what I feel about half the cast. I was amazed the first time I watched just a normal average movie after coming out to myself.

 

A big surprise for me is how much more affectionate I am. I didn’t realize how much I was avoiding contact. Now I can be still in an embrace, initiate a kiss or hug, and bask in the afterglow.


There have been so many surprises I have lost count.

Reflecting back avoiding eye contact was my way of hiding from others. If I didn’t look them in the eye they couldn’t see me. I also look people in the eye now.

 

For me it was realizing that sexual relations with another man could that incredible. I fully expected that first time I had sex with a male it would be gross, disgusting , dirty and it would cure me of this idea of same sex relationships. While the first time was somewhat awkward and clumsily it was also the most erotically sensual romantic experience I had to that time, ever experienced. I could not believe I could find so much intense pleasure in the arms of another man. Needless to say it totally changed my life that day.

 

How absolutely empty and fake all of my compliments towards men's physical appearances sounded like when I think back on them. Like if girl friends would gush about a hot man, I'd laugh and be like "Yeah he's handsome!" but felt absolutely nothing inside while saying it. It was like complimenting on someone's wallpaper, or a brand new car. Devoid of anything sexual.

 

I didn't know at all, it's crazy lol. I just thought it was normal that I didn't felt any rush of pleasure when looking at men being.. well, men. Whether they were being silly and playing around, or being top naked and flexing, or even just being a nice guy altogether.. I felt absolutely nothing. But I felt this pressure to fill in the gap when people complimented them out of their own real attraction towards these men because I didn't wanted anyone to know that I didn't see what the big deal was. And meanwhile, while looking at other females just being their own beautiful selves.. I bit my own tongue. Because to compliment them further than just "She has nice shoes!" felt like I would have a target on my back.

What's even more interesting is that the gay and lesbian communities take on these random folks of the opposite sex as idols of some sort, such as in the 80's when gay men upheld Madonna to the highest of esteem, and now we have lesbians going crazy over Hozier haha. So it just complicates feelings even further with people who are subconsciously closeting themselves or think of themselves as straight because they don't think it's possible for homosexuals to actually appreciate someone of the opposite sex.. and if you do, OBVIOUSLY it means you're straight and attracted to that person! I mean why not? Wouldn't make sense otherwise!

Now, I think I'm going to happily enjoy listening to music or watching movies/TV shows or whatever that were made by a man and not think it's because of attraction. And if a man is pleasing on the eyes objectively speaking, I won't have to force myself to do anything physical (eugh) with that information. I'll just say "Yeah, he's got a ja ne sais quoi thing to him!" and move the hell on, lmao.

Wow sorry for writing all of this out but it's just very interesting!

 

I think what’s easy to forget is that straight people are also able to identify and appreciate beauty in people of their own gender. Straight women don’t think twice about identifying other women who are beautiful. Straight men can identify when other men are attractive or fit. It doesn’t make them not straight. It makes them human. So, of course as a lesbian, I can still identify a good looking man.

 

I did this too. I could do entire grocery shopping trips without “seeing” anyone’s face (including the cashier) because I thought if I didn’t see their face, I wouldn’t see the disapproval of who I am. I hated me, so clearly they would too. That’s definitely getting better. I thought it was just me.

 

I'm guessing it would be realizing the number of times in the course of daily interactions with people that I did a tiny, millisecond "check" of my behavior before I did something. Just that miniscule, almost-unconscious "what will look less gay?" question that I would ask myself so frequently, whether it was a choice of words, or gesture, or clothing, which I'm sure ended up making me look and feel more uncertain straight, because I always seemed to be second guessing myself. Once I stopped caring whether or not people knew I was gay, it didn't take long before I would just say or do what I wanted. The end result was that people didn't suddenly think I was gay--they just thought I was more confident.

Which leads to the second surprise, which was how remarkably little of a difference all those little checks made. It turned out that despite my efforts, a lot of people assumed I was gay anyhow, and once I stopped self-editing my behavior, no one's opinion of me really seemed to change much. A secret really does grow a life of its own after awhile, and all sense of proportion is lost while you desperately try to keep it a secret.

 

I'm at that stage, where I'm curious, but it seems gross. But, I long for the intimate connection with another guy -- and also just a romantic relationship with a man who "wants" me.

 

The biggest surprise for me was realizing how much more I needed to learn about myself even after embarking on my journey to fully embrace my sexuality. The process of self actualization began when I told myself I was gay and was prepared to accept it. However that was only the beginning for me to unlock whom I truly was. The wall I built around me to emotionally protect myself while in the closet was the same wall that inhibited myself from becoming the all encompassing person I was meant to be. After I built self respect, self worth, self esteem and learned to love myself for whom I am, the journey has continued for me to unlock all of whom I truly am beyond and above my sexuality.

It’s been an exciting journey, with new surprises still being experienced,

 

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How true. I went tentatively into a session of sexual intimacy and came out of it an hour later a changed person. It felt right.

 

Wow! I couldn't summarise it better. You just described EXACTLY how I felt after I had a first sexual encounter with a man.
It felt right, it felt pure (pure in the sense that I didn't have to use any filters), it felt honest. It didn't feel sinful or gross AT ALL (just like you, I was expecting that to happen, so I'd be "cured").

I also felt true to myself. And the sense of freedom was indescribable. I've never felt that way. And, even though I'm still closeted, I now feel very comfortable in acknowledging that I'm gay.

 

The second biggest surprise was the overwhelming sense of liberation and freedom coming out allowed me. I could be with another man in every sense without reservation, fear of exposure, shame, remorse etc. Being gay felt good!

 

True!

It happened to me too. No shame, no filters, no pain, just me being me!

 

I did this too, all the time. I talk myself how to have a straight voice, a straight walk, not to look a cute guys ass after he walks by, to keep my eyes on the wall in the locker room, not gesture with my hands, etc. There were a million little checks every single day.

 

Funny thing is, for me it happened exactly the other way around. I didn't have to check if I looked gay or not because I'm actually quite masculine. So it caused me a lot of denial, because I'd feel attracted to boys and men and then I'd think "I can't be gay, no way, I'm not sissy or flamboyant!". So I just kept hiding my same-sex attraction up to the point that it could no longer be hidden under a rock. It just brutally exploded.

But then I realised that's there's no right way to be gay.. I mean, I still can be me while being gay! I started to understand few years ago, when I, being a rugby fan myself, saw the example of Wales' Gareth Thomas, who's a strong player, very manly and openly gay.

Those foolish stereotypes make us no favor, they just create ignorance, confusion and pain.

 

@JToivonen that's a really good point that has often made me wish there were other terms we could use to describe who we are. Among some of my daughters' friends, the term "queer" seems to be favored. Or "non-binary", although to me that always sounds like something a celebrity would use to either sound more gay than they are for political correctness' sake, or to explain away some breech in their mostly straight behavior.

I was married to a woman and by no means celibate until I started to feel used and unappreciated. I had gay fantasies but quite enjoyed sex with my wife....so what was I? What are the guys who are perfectly content being married to women, but fool around with guys now and then? I've known guys who tripped my gaydar like crazy but were as straight as any stereotypical jock, and laughed about it. I couldn't fully explain what it is that makes people assume I'm gay, but it's there. Sometimes I wish we could lose the labels and be forced to just say what we like and be done with it. Would it be easier for a high school jock to say "I like messing around with guys sometimes", or "I'm gay"?

 

Being afraid and grossed out by the idea of bottoming to being in a vers relationship and owning (and loving) buttplugs