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Want to come out completely but feeling stuck

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Hrafn, Jun 7, 2019.

  1. Hrafn

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Neverwhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I've now come to terms with the fact that I'm trans. It took me a while but I got there. That's great. Truly. It has brought a little relief. I am only out to a few people as of yet. All have been really accepting and wonderful and supportive. Though most of them can't really offer me much advice. I can expect the same of most people who know me. There hasn't been really any switch of name or pronouns as of yet, as so few people know, they can't start referring to me suddenly as something else without outing me. My older brother did refer to me as his brother for the first time a couple weeks ago though, so that was an awesome feeling.

    So now I'm feeling ready to talk to others. I'm desperate for people to know. I had an awful weekend when my family was in town for my cousin's graduation. As much as I like seeing my family, it was really telling that I was so uncomfortable and slid back into a depressive state post graduation weekend. I realized I'm really done with people referring to me as a girl. That crappy weekend made me even more aware of the fact that I'm not comfortable in my own skin, confirming to myself that I'm doing the right thing for myself. The more masculine I get, the better I feel, and the more I continue to hear people misgender me, if unintentionally, the worse I feel. Such is the crappy loop I'm stuck in right now. I really want to start testosterone, but I feel like I can't do that until I'm mostly out. Not just to family and friends but also at university. Which is a hard choice right now.

    I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. The rock and hard place being my mental health (the things that will help my mental health greatly) and coming out. I mean, I want to tell people, I just can't muster the courage. It really sucks. I feel like everyone around me should know, like it should be obvious when it's really not. I'm just still so afraid even as I know it should be a non-event with most people. I'm so incredibly afraid. I'm very emotionally conflicted. It's a fight between what I know will make me feel better and the fears that continue to haunt me. I feel like I'm living this huge lie the longer I continue to hide who I am. Ironically, I'm out as lesbian to most people, or at least queer, yet at the same time closeted as trans. Hah.

    But I'm certain now that lesbian woman is not me... I'm so depressed and anxious. And I can't stop thinking about this. Weekly therapy only helps so much. All at the same time I have the stress of summer courses to deal with too. And chronic health problems I'm too anxious about actually addressing. I can't deal with this anymore. I'm burned out, physically and emotionally. Something's got to give and I just don't know what to do with myself. I suppose I needed to write some of this out to at least stop thinking about it for a little while. Any advice is welcome if someone has some though.
     
  2. vishnya

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    i'm cis but have a handful of trans friends so maybe i can help a little?
    i'd say for option a: staying closeted
    maybe try having your friend discreetly use a different name and pronouns over text or one-on-one or in a group your all out to. but around people you're not out to, use dead name and pronouns.
    for clothing, say you're a tomboy or a butch lesbian.
    but for option b: coming out
    it does seem like you have a lot going on right now so if you do want to come out, try taking it slow :slight_smile: you could have close friends help you come out by having them help you explain it to people you're comfortable with. (btw, you didn't mention it but if saying you're "lesbian" is uncomfortable you could always go labeless and just say you like girls).
     
  3. Hrafn

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    This is basically where I'm stuck right now. I have a couple people that are willing to use my new name and pronouns when we chat over text or video call. I think most of the family that's unaware of my gender probably assumes I'm just a really butch lesbian, whether I've told them directly or not. I haven't discouraged it, anyway. They all know I've been a tomboy since I was very young so no need to really put that out there directly... It's just when certain people (usually my grandmother) try to get me to wear more feminine clothes despite knowing my preferences that I get a bit uncomfortable and may have to reassert myself.

    I like your suggestion of having someone help me explain to people. The thought had crossed my mind. I'll probably end up doing that for a few people, at least. Moral support is certainly nice to have along for the difficult conversations. I'm fine with simply saying I have a preference for girls (though I'm pan), I guess the problem is other people calling me lesbian. It's somehow worse hearing it out of other people's mouths than it is coming from myself.

    Thanks for the response!
     
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