I recently come to accept my feelings for women and that I long to be in a relationship with another women. The whole revelation has thrown my world upside down and I have been clinging to my feelings for men. I guess I will identify as bisexual leaning gay or kinsey 4. I have been sending msgs with a male co-worker that are pretty sexual. I feel really guilty, but I have come to accept that my marriage will not work and I just don't care anymore. The initial feelings for men give me a high that distracts me from my emerging feelings for women. I'm a mess and am using my coworker as he is using me. My husband found these messages and is completely devastated. In those messages, I mentioned that I want to leave my marriage and figure out my life but can't because we just had another baby and I am not financially able to do so yet. The problem is that my husband wants me to tell him that this will all be able to work out. My attraction to women is much stronger than that to men. I won't be able to ignore it anymore, my husband knows that I am bisexual. He is not the type to live in a marriage with a timeline. I have 2 options: I can either tell him I love him (and I do) and stop distracting myself from my sexuality with other people. Ask for forgiveness and stay here until I can financially support myself (and kids) - I'm hoping another year. or I can tell him the whole truth and hope for the best. That will leave my with 3 kids to look after for the majority of the time. Please don't judge me, I know sexting other people is wrong but I'm losing my friends and this guy understands me more than my husband.
Be honest with him. I'm sorry if this comes out as blunt, but nothing justifies cheating. And I'm not saying this to judge you, but to explain that cheating may seem like an easier way to solve things than telling the truth, but it only makes things messier. The mistake has already happened, but you can work on not complicating things further. If you wish to stay with him and stop messaging other people, then you can tell him that. However, if that's not the case, and you plan on leaving him in the future, don't lie to him about fixing your marriage if that's not what you want to do. Telling the whole truth may be harder in the short term, but it will make things much, much easier in the long term, for everyone involved. He may feel devastated now, and that's understandable, but lying to him again will only make him feel worse in the future. Talking to him won't be easy, especially after he discovered the texts. However, you should do it and be honest with him, so you can both decide what's best for you and your kids. Or, if you are already sure that things won't work and if you have a clear plan in mind, you should also be honest with him about that. Honesty may seem a hard thing in a situation like this, and it is certainly easy. But, repeating what I said, lying and hiding the truth will make things much harder in the long run.
Hey I do have to say that honesty is probably the best way, otherwise a year down the line what are you going to say to him, oh a year ago I lied to you but now I'm leaving you. I understand you are in a difficult position but I feel as though trying to stick a plaster over things now is just going to make them worse in the future.
Are you losing friends because you are afraid to talk about yourself? I'm asking because I've walked away from friends out of fear of how they will react, and I'm still not completely free from it. I am at a point where I have to gain support and quit incrementally giving up on myself.
Yes, I've lost my best friend and don't have any other friends to talk to. I feel isolated and this guy talks to me without judging me.
It's great that this guy talks without judging. It's important for everyone to have someone to talk to. It's also important for you to be honest. It's certainly easier to avoid confrontation, and in general, we avoid change until the discomfort of staying where we are overcomes the fear of the unknown. But I think if you put these two together... it's pretty clear. Your husband deserves to know the truth, even if it's unpleasant. The sooner he gets past his own denial (of the idea that you can work it out together), the sooner both of you get to move on toward a better and happier life. As hard as it seems, I would suggest just biting the bullet and telling him how it is. Do it in an email or text if you can't say it, but even though it will hurt in the short term, avoiding it just prolongs the discomfort for everyone.
I would say that you have given up on your husband and the rest of your story is about how to leave him and for who. The new guy who listens will very likely not be very happy when you explain that you need time with women, etc. You say you love your husband, and the underlying value of marriage is the monogamous commitment - we agree to have and to hold, to cherish and protect, and anything less is dating, not a long term relationship. IMHO it is tempting to get busy chasing the mirage of a satisfying relationship without commitment,. Before it gets worse- ask your husband for what you want and be prepared to give something in return!
First, I would contact a credit counselor or other financial planner to make sure you are on the right path to financial freedom whether you stay with your husband or not. (There are quite a few non profit credit counseling services in the US that help for free, I assume CA has some as well?) Second, take an honest look at your husband and relationships. Ask a neutral third party with nothing to gain from you guys breaking up if you need advice. If you do break up, will your husband still love the kids and does he have the ability to support them? Do you have family that will help you? Will his family help? Etc? Third, are you leaving your husband because you think there is something better out there or would you prefer to be completely single than stay with him? If it's the former, do you think you would regret leaving? Fourth, why are you losing your friends? Your sexuality or some other reason? I would recommend really digging deep to figure out why those friendships are gone and being honest with yourself as to why. Once all that is straightened out, I think you should be honest, work together on finalizing a plan, and be willing to put in the work to keep things as amicable as possible.
Hi @Butterfly6 This is a really tough one - has anything more been said since you last posted? What would your situation look like if you were to be honest? Would you need to move out? How much financial support would your husband be required to offer? Whilst I agree that honesty is the best policy, I do completely understand your concerns around supporting your children and being financially independent. You need to be proactive in researching what you’re entitled to and how best to support your children going forward. Get some legal and financial advice. Until you speak to your husband about what the future might look like if you do separate, then much of this is unknown anyway. Would he be prepared to live together, as a separated couple, until you were financially stable for the benefit of your children? These things take longer than you think too, so nothing will change overnight.
