Before I get started I just wanted to say that my Dad was a very kind and caring man. He often did my family and family friends favors without anything in return. When he got sick he still tried to provide for my family. Whether it was trying to cook while using his walker, going to his churches free food drive to bring home food, trying to repair things for my aunts and uncles all while he had cancer and was receiving chemo therapy treatment.. My Dad was always giving and didnt expect anything in return. He was the most humble person I knew. Now on to my story.. My Dad passed away in 2017. A few days after Christmas due to complications of cancer.. My family and I have known since August that my Dad will not be able to survive(Stage 4 colon cancer) so he was discharged and went home to receive hospice care. Between November until the day my Dad died I've contemplated on coming out to him.. So many things came to mind.. Is it selfish of me to come out to him while he was laying on his bed slowly dying and getting weaker by the minute, hour, and day? What if he didn't accept me and I had to live the rest of my life knowing he didn't right after he passed away shortly? How will I be able to face my Dad if he didn't accept me up until he passed away? What if he only accepted me because of the condition he was in? There was so many buts and what ifs that were going through my mind. It took me awhile to decide not to tell him.. guess you can say the reason I chose not to tell him was because I didn't want to come out when he was most vulnerable.. I didn't want to come out because I felt it would be selfish of me to do so. I didn't want to make it about me. Although I decided not to come out to him, it sometimes comes to mind and bothers me ever since he passed away.. if you must know I have an 8 to 5 job, night classes til 9pm, then gym for 3 hours til midnight. I kept myself quite busy mentally and physically to the point where I don't have time for deep thoughts but when I do this particular thing comes to mind often. I guess the advice I am looking for is did I make the right choice? Should I have came out to him regardless of the situation? Another thing I should add: I assumed my Dad never suspected me of my sexual orientation until one day at a family party my Dad was drunk and jokingly said "I know you're bakla(Gay in Filipino) your girlfriend is just a front and for show.." My Dad was a huge jokester and had no filter but he was great at not over doing it. I laughed along with the rest of my cousins(None of them know) and GF. So maybe this was a way of my Dad telling me he knows or am I just over thinking it?
I think you did what was right for you and your family at the time. It must be difficult trying to make a decision like that while your dad was terminally ill, and you chose to put his needs above your own and make his final moments as peaceful as possible. Nothing wrong with that. And you have lots of positive memories of your dad so you've got plenty of reason to be proud of him. You didn't get around to having the "dad, I'm gay" talk, and you just need to be ok with that. When you have these quiet moments, remind yourself how much you loved and admired your dad. You may not know entirely how he felt about your sexuality, but you know how you felt about him.
Yeah, maybe this was his way of telling you he knew, and it sounds like he wasn’t upset or homophobic about it, the way you describe the situation. Good natured teasing from a Dad who loved you. Sounds like your Dad was a loving person, and always wanting to do something helpful for his family members.
Pretty sure that his statement was an indication he knew, and was basically OK with it. And... I think you made the right decision. You were looking out for his needs during a period of vulnerability and weakness for him, and so not telling him was, in many ways, a very selfless thing to do that put his needs before yours. I don't think you have anything to be concerned about. Especially since it's pretty clear that he knew.
My condolences in your loss. I concur with the sentiments above. Our parents know us better than ourselves at times and it certainly sounds like your late dad was aware of your orientation. That he did it in a rather gentle, joking manner was an indication that he knew but did not care. My own father passed away twenty years ago, long before I came out. However, much like your father, he probably already knew.
I agree with the above. Your father sounds like he was a remarkable person, and I'm very sorry that he was taken from you too soon. While I understand why you feel conflicted, I believe that you did the right thing. Cancer is a horrible thing to fight, and I can only imagine the struggle when dying because of it. It drains so much energy that small things can become a struggle - even articulating his acceptance may have been strenuous, even if there was never a question of it in his own mind. Your instinct on making sure all of the attention was focused on him and not you was correct. You weren't hiding yourself from him, you were making sure that he had the space and attention that he deserved in his final days. He was incredibly fortunate to have you as a son, because your selflessness is admirable. As others mentioned, it also sounds as though he already knew, and he was accepting of who you are. Don't think of the words unspoken as opportunities lost, but rather as words that didn't need to be spoken because the understanding was already there.
I went through something similar - my mom died after a year and a half of getting her stage 4 diagnosis. All your thoughts are very valid. It is very easy to question what you should have and should not have done, especially now that you are no longer in that situation/recovering from that situation. I wasn't really out to anybody when my mom first got her diagnosis. I put off telling her for so long because, like you, I was worried about her not taking it well and ruining the last bit of time we had together. She ended up losing her clarity and communicative skills eventually, so I never came out to her. Looking back, I regret not coming out to her, but I guess it is always easier to say what you should have done when you don't have to do it anymore aha. I don't see that as a bad thing. I came out to my dad during my mom's final months. I felt SO bad giving him more to worry about when he was already worrying about so much. Somebody told me that when you yourself are dying, or somebody close to you, it really changes your perspectives on things. It humbles you, and helps you realize what the REALLY important things are in life. I try not to let myself think about it too much. Having lost a parent at such a young age (at least I consider it young aha), it makes me realize how fragile life is. I try to live my life as genuinely as possible and in a way that makes me happiest, rather than critique what I should or should not have done. Any empathetic person could understand how difficult it is having a terminally ill loved one and would understand your struggles.
I think you did the right thing with your grandfather. It was the right thing because it came from the right place - not wanting to burden him and thinking about his welfare. As for your father - it sounds like he knows and wanted to let you know that he knows in a way that won’t be too awkward. That’s my take on things.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I really do think parents do know that their children are LGBT, at least, the majority of them do because the signs are quite obvious when it comes to your own flesh and blood. I think he knew deep down and already was at peace with it. Don't beat yourself up.. You can still come out to him when you visit his tombstone, right? I'm assuming he had a burial here. That would be a good way to have closure and move on from your own guilt.
