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Super confused male in a relationship with a female

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Confucious, Jun 13, 2019.

  1. Confucious

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2019
    Messages:
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    Location:
    YourMomsHouse
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I'am concerned about my mental health and my sexual orientation, I get these very intense episodes where I'am convinced I'm gay I go trough all the steps usually in a day or two, I think i'am gay I go trough all the evidence that I think I'm gay which always includes :
    My same sex experience I had when I was around the age of 12. And That I think about that experience and Masturbate to it.
    Or I watch gay porn to proof I'am.
    Then I download a gay app or go to a gay hook up website, cause if I'm gay that means I want to have sex with a man so that is what I'm gonna do, then I go through the app and look at all the men 99% of em make me cringe and lose my Erection. I do a Kinsey scale test that I answer very honestly always end up on a 2, and I'm not satisfied with that answer. Cause I have this voice in my head saying your gay dude, "you think about sucking peens and you did suck a peen and you liked it"

    I grew up very religious and my dad always said if your gay im going to kill you or disown you which never worried me when he said it, it made me mad cause its extremely homophobic and I would always get mad when he said that. I'm not homophobic and I know a bunch of gay people I don't want to talk with them about this cause what if im not gay then everybody thinks i'am.

    I use drugs and alcohol to stop this obsessive voice in my head and it usually works or I masturbate and the voice leaves me alone until the next day.

    I want to marry my Girlfriend and really commit to her and have kids with her but I need to make sure im not gay cause I don't wanna break her hearth or explain to my kids that mommy and daddy are splitting up cause dad is gay.

    Funny thing my GF at one point also thought she was gay and tried dating woman and even kissed one but decided that she wanted to end up with a man instead, which comforted me at one point thinking she is just like me but I don't talk to her about it cause I don't want her to think I'm gay and if it turns out I'm not it will do damage to our relationship and she will leave me.

    Can you guys help me accept maybe that im gay or bi or straight, I know I have to find out myself but this seems to be going in circles. There is enough evidence that I'm straight also maybe this whole gay things is like feeling guilty of what I did when I was 12? So many questions :frowning2:

    Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, I retyped this story like 9 times I just want this to stop and move on with my life.

    Thank you for reading my ramblings
     
  2. canadawet

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2017
    Messages:
    101
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    27
    Location:
    Maryland
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Even when we're not homophobic, other people treating us badly due to their own homophobia can leave a mark on us that causes self-hate. You sound like you may be experiencing some of that kind of internalized homophobia. I can't tell you whether you're straight or gay or bi, that moreso has to do with you assessing whether you actually like the idea of being in a relationship with a man in real life versus whether you might be acting out due to these things in your childhood. Regardless, it sounds like you love your girlfriend a lot, and if you're attracted to her and want to marry her, I highly doubt you have to worry about spontaneously leaving her.
     
    Lek likes this.
  3. Lek

    Lek
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2019
    Messages:
    157
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    79
    Location:
    Southeast Asia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    First, many males have same-sex sexual activity, especially in adolescence, and they remain straight. Situational same-sex sexual acts are common too--in prison, the military, etc.--and they remain straight. It is very common for heterosexual males to use public cruising facilities because their wife isn't available or they just need release. So we cannot label ourselves or others only based sexual fantasies or activities.

    Your religious upbringing and being in a homophobic environment can really mess us up. I'm concerned that you are using drugs and alcohol as self-medication to control your "obsessive voice." That sends up a red flag that you may need to seek treatment.

    Your struggle seems to be that you don't want to be a homosexual, yet you have decided to live a heterosexual life. Your sexual experience at 12 clearly was significant for you. You may feel guilty about it, but you also use it as a masturbatory "tool".

    I cannot tell you what your sexual orientation is, but I can tell you from a very early age I wanted to kiss boys, do things with other boys, but most significantly I wanted to love and be loved by another boy. By 12, I found the word for it--at the time, "homosexual." From that moment on, I spent a lot of time trying suppress those feelings until at16, I decided that a life without love (which society told me happened to gay people) was not worth living.

    To be honest, I think if you love your girlfriend, you owe it to her to let her know what's going on with you. If one cannot talk to one's partner about sexual issues, the intimacy that is so important in a healthy relationship will not grow and deepen.

    Finally, I would like to urge you to learn to love yourself more. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. And you deserve love.