Do you regret divorcing and/or coming out?

Don't worry, I don't mind you being blunt. It's way better to be direct than to keep beating around the bush.

I was reading about the stages of grief here on EC and I believe my wife is currently in the bargaining phase. So maybe that's why she still thinks that it's possible for me to overcome my gay side. And, as some have said here, she needs sometime to process the shock of finding out that I'm into guys. It's tough on her, I'm aware of that.

I've made a decision to see that separating is what I really want to do - I mean, I really want to be out now, but I have to be as certain as possible that I won't regret it in the future. I'll also need to feel that, when we're over, I'll have done everything I could to save my marriage, so I won't feel guilty. In the meantime, I hope she'll have a chance to come to her senses regarding me and our future together.

And I told her I'm not waiting forever. Not even for too long. We both need and deserve happiness and, right now, we're both miserable. But she still believes we can sort it out. I don't. I feel like crying all the time (something that never happened to me before). But I gotta try. It's my last shot.

And, honestly? I feel like if she's the one who says enough, that would be a huge favour.

 

In no way I'm going to live a fake, shadowy life. Not anymore. I've doing this all my life. I neither can't not want to keep on doing that.

But as I previously said, I need to be sure that I did everything within my reach to save my marriage. And I need to give her time. And yes, it hurts to live like I'm living now. But I set a deadline, not very far. If nothing changes until there, then I'm out.

 

I wouldn't say that...maybe I've portrayed her in an unfair way...I wouldn't say she's childish. But she's fragile, that's for sure.

The other parts of the marriage are fine. I mean, she's a good companion, fun to be with. She's too self-conscious, so it's annoying at times. But I could live with that. But I have no lust. No desire. I'm longing for a guy, not for her. And I don't think I can pretend that I'm into her (or any women for that matter) anymore.

 

S

So, so true. The broken dreams and plans... they hurt a lot! Even if I now know and understand that I didn't do it on purpose. I truly believed I was doing the right thing. I married for love.

Have you gone down the same path? Were you married when you came out?

 

Oh, sorry, now I see what you meant.

Well, in a sense I've always thought that she is/was way too devoted to me...I mean, she has no hobbies, she's frustrated at her career (not satisfied, no ambitions, not sure what she wants to do, no drive) and she always told me that I'm the best part of her life. Frustrated as she is with the rest of her life, I'm the part of her that never disappointed her - until last year, when I first came out to her. Still she says she's happy with me. She said once that it hurts to be around me, but she misses me when she's not with me and it hurts her more.

She had a angry phase...and she asked a lot of questions. Sometimes she still gets angry and asks. That's why I mentioned it seems to me that she's going through the grief stages, since now it appears to me she's in the bargaining stage (I may be wrong).

She's not willing to live a sexless life, not at all! She wants the sex back (we haven't made it for months, my fault, obviously). She tells me all the time that she has very hot dreams with me. She keeps trying to kiss me and she tells me that I look hot. Sometimes she asks when we're going to have sex again. Our sex life had never been great...she always complained about that. Now I clearly know why.

 

I meant a bit of both. I wanted to know, by asking my original question, if all the suffering of a divorce process and the wounds and scars it leaves are worth the happiness one is supposed to encounter by coming out and living openly as a gay person.

Also if being gay made someone happier than the previous status as a closeted gay person in a straight marriage.

Bottom-line: are you guys happier now that you're out? Or would you come back to the safety of your marriage if it were possible?

Regarding my own future as a gay man...wow, it seems so exciting! Honestly I can't wait to be out to the world and live my life freely, without having to pretend to be something I'm not! I don't intend to live a flamboyant lifestyle...in a sense, my life won't change that much. But I'll be free. And I'll be able to have go out once in a while, dance and have a few drinks (something currently impossible right now) and, most importantly, be intimate with another man, both physically and romantically. Of course I know things are not that easy, but it appears to be better than what I'm currently living (yesterday I had a serious episode of self-harm...so I doubled the amount of pills my psychiatrist had prescribed me - Bromazepam - and right now I'm numb. Emotionally I can't feel a thing).

 

I'll talk to him, we'll be meeting this Friday. I know I shouldn't have done this without discussing it with him. But my pain is overwhelming, unbearable really. So I just wanted some relief, since Bromazepam kind of disconnects me from my emotions.

 

What I mean was that I'm aware that life won't get all rosy if I come out. I'll still face problems. Some of my old issues will continue with me and I'll have to face new ones - socially I'm still in the "comfortable side", since I don't have face things like hatred and homophobia.

But still...it appears to me that things should be better being gay that they are now that I'm stuck in my marriage and in a false life as a straight man. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm in spiral of awful thoughts and feelings. And I'm started to feel that, somehow, I'm being manipulated with the religious aspects. "Satan's playing with you" vs "God is going to break you, so you can realise that you need Him above everything else and only then, when you recognise Him as the most important thing in your life, He's going to heal you". I'm tired of all that shit.

 

I already feel like a zombie sometimes...as if I had turned the autopilot on...I just react to things, no pleasure whatsoever.

Right now I'm in my mother's house, in my old room, lights out, thinking about why I'm doing this to myself...then something stroke my mind: I'm still trying to figure out what happened to the old me.

I mean...I was deeply in love with my wife once...I wanted to be around her all the time! I enjoyed hugging her, cuddling...talking to her...being with her was all I longed. So what happened to this old version of myself? I know it was a real feeling...but where did it go? Where did I go?

How is it possible that I have changed so deeply and so fast?

Even though I've always known I've always had a thing for guys (I knew that even though I tried hard, really hard, to conceal and deny it to myself)...but that explains why I don't want to be with her anymore? Is that enough to explain that?

Where's this huge love, is it all gone? How? How can I explain how this love's vanished to myself?

I think it's the last piece of my puzzle.