Guilt...

With therapy and journaling a lot of things are coming up about stuff that happened in my past. The problem with that is, I feel a lot of guilt. Some of it for the most ridiculous things. But the one thing that is bothering me the most currently is the last sexual abuse situation. I say it like that because I’m really not sure how to say it honestly and that’s also a problem.

I’ve talked about it here before. He was the last guy to do something like that and the only one to do it more than once. It started when I was around 6 and he was around 15. It happened over a period of about 2 years maybe a little less it’s still kinda foggy. I’ve always known stuff happened that was very inappropriate but like I said more and more stuff is coming back.

I know the first time anything happened I asked what was going on and he made up a story of what was happening. The next time I said I knew it was more and I said I’d tell... he talked me out of it so I never did. After that I remember being scared we’d get in trouble. The details of it all comes in flashes and I’d rather not have them honestly.

The guilt comes from knowing what was happening shouldn’t and still not telling I guess. And the more memories that come up the worse the guilt. Before now I’d only let myself really acknowledge that something happened, but now it’s like I’m being forced to address more of it. I’ve admitted to having physical reactions to what happened... I just never have said (still haven’t in therapy) some of the physical things feels the same now... not in a bad way. That really freaks me out! I think again that adds to the guilt.

 

@Rade and @johndeere3020 thanks for the words of encouragement. I’m definitely going to discuss this in therapy. I kinda did a bit this week and already ready for next week’s session. I hate having stuff bottled up like this. When I feel like I’m ready to kinda let it out, I want to let it out.

So I read through this post, and some I’ve done in other threads. I’ve talked about it some, but it seems I ramble more than anything.

I guess I should just say it clearly. After the shock of what happened first wore off, I didn’t freak out. I went back actually. I talked about liking the attention (which sounds awful), liking the closeness (again awful), but never that after I realized what was happening I liked the feeling of being with him. Now that’s where the guilt comes in, if all this happened when I was 13 (he would have been 22) it would have still been very wrong, but it would be different for me saying this. Realizing this with me being that young is a horrible thing and honestly has me freaked out...

 

So maybe this thread should be guilt and shame... I’ve been honest about what pushed me in the closet and this situation was one of the biggest factors. I was always scared people would think I wanted what happened to happen. I didn’t the first few times for sure... after that I’m not sure I can say that honestly. Then when I accepted I was gay I was scared people would think it turned me gay... I know this isn’t case. But admitting this hasn’t done anything but made me feel worse about what happened. I was way to young when all of this went down and I know this... but I also can’t reconcile that fact with knowing how I felt at the time.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I honestly thought I was done with these feelings... and now they are back as bad as ever. I can’t stay stuck in this cycle forever... I can’t keep doing this.

 

So today in therapy I did something I’ve never done (besides the fact I actually cried in front of her), I told her the things I remembered that happened between me and the last guy. I had never done that. Actually I’ve always lied and said it was only part of what happened. We talked about it, how long I had remembered (because some of the memories are coming back), and how it’s made me feel. I told her it’s just guilt and shame.

We spent the entire session talking about this, and early on she asked could I forgive myself for carrying this around. I told her no. I didn’t want to. I want to know why I have it. I know myself and if I can’t make sense of something it’s gonna bother me forever. So we dug. We talked about a lot of stuff and in some of the silly things I had a few... oh that’s probably why I feel this way moments.

First off, one memory was trigged after my last hook up. Thank god not during, but later on when I was thinking about what all had happened. Since coming out I’ve always found having sex with a guy easy. I mean not painful or unpleasant. When asked by a friend did it hurt at first, my answer has always been.... no it’s just pressure but I actually like it. Thinking about liking that feeling trigged the memories of the same feeling of pressure from those encounters back then. And back then I didn’t hate it either. That’s where the guilt and shame comes in.

I told her my theory that if it all had happened when I was older I don’t think I’d have an issue and she questioned me on this. It’s because admitting to being sexual as a teen is ok, admitting to that a child is horrible. She pointed out that because the first time I was molested and it wasn’t really handled correctly it’s no wonder I have issues processing this. I was exposed to sex at such a young age (4) and it was never really explained or talked about.

This brought us to a big realization that I think is gonna help me a lot. So growing up anytime mom thought I was touching my penis she flipped out. I had a memory of this yesterday that made me laugh, but of course that brought about a hidden memory from the encounters. I use to “play” with my belly button around this time. Any time I was under the cover. She’d freak out, when I pulled back the cover she’d say “oh stop doing that it looks inappropriate!” Well the first time I notice the guy doing something he said he was playing with his belly button and when I asked why he said it feels good and showed me. That’s when I started doing that. During this part of the talk I told my therapist mom was so vigilant about me not touching myself, to this day I still actually never adjust like every one else. Every guy I know does. I don’t. It’s so engrained that you can’t that I literally will be uncomfortable to avoid it until I can dismiss myself.

So today’s session really brought up some things for me to consider. The guilt and shame is something I’m gonna have to work through but I’ve gotta put things in the right spot. I didn’t volunteer for these things to happen, my mom really did make me associate anything to do with sex/my penis with guilt and shame when I was younger.

I did the work to overcome this problem and embrace my sexuality as an adult. I don’t have any shame with sex now... but I need to do the work on my emotions from back then too.