Questioning, but don't really feel dysphoric

I've been sort of passively questioning if I am Trans for a while now, with no real breakthrough one way or the other (I've tried a lot of "Am I Trans Quizzes," most of them as you would suspect, being pretty crap; anyway, the almost universal answer being essentially 'Shrug, Maybe' in so many words). The thing is, I don't think I have dysphoria, really. I don't really like the way I look, but I'm not convinced that it's anything masculine (I'm AMAB), though a lot of the time I feel like I would rather look like a woman. In the past, I thought it was more to do with womens' fashion and other aesthetic options, like hair and makeup having a greater range in available options, but I'm not sure that's the case. I've never crossdressed, and it doesn't seem like something appealing to me, in part because I feel like I'd rather be feminine in physique and general appearance and masculine in style, than the inverse, though ideally I'd be feminine in physique and general appearance, and be able to change style between feminine and masculine as I felt like doing, but this isn't something that really carries over when I present as masculine, which is I guess closer to a neutral state. But I also am unsure if this is simply the fact that, since I currently present as masculine, if I were to imagine myself as a woman, I can picture an idealized version of myself, which I can't do as easily as a male version of myself, which is partially constrained by reality.

I also don't really have the experiences that a lot of trans people seem to have, where they were drawn to things coded as opposite to their assigned gender, from an early age, but I don't know to what degree that gives much evidence, since I know plenty of cis women who were drawn to the things I enjoyed. But on the other hand, I've generally connected more with female characters in media I consumed, and generally in games where you get an option what gender to play as I'll instinctively pick female (I'm ace, so I'm pretty sure it's not the fact that female characters in games are often designed around the hetero-male gaze). There's a whole lot of other things that I'm thinking could be evidence towards being trans (such as dreams of varying frequency, through the years, dating back at least to childhood of being female, either just waking up female one day or some sort of magic, or not necessarily being "me", but a different person entirely), but I could also see that forming a bigger, more prominent space in my mind because I've been questioning being trans, and I feel like even just saying it might bias things, because it's easier to say that, and give it weight, than the passive sort of counter-evidence by omission of stuff like not really minding (more neutral than anything) my male name, being referred to with he/him pronouns, ect, which is what makes this whole thing really difficult to weigh for me.

I don't know if I'm giving the right details to get a good answer, mostly because I don't really know what questions to ask to hope to reach a satisfying conclusion, since there's a lot of often contradictory information I see, which is reasonable, given that nothing to do with people or identity is a monolith, and it's usually more complicated than the simple labels we tend to pare things down to but it's difficult not having a satisfying answer. I'm open to the idea I might be some flavor of Nonbinary, but that's such a large umbrella that I'm not sure it helps, but if I am Transfemme, I want to figure that out, not necessarily because I'd transition (I know I saw someone describe transition as creation through destruction, where you essentially go through a gauntlet, between societal and institutional antagonism, to the risk of friends/family rejecting you, ect, to wind up in a better life, as your better self and knowing who is really there for you, but honestly I don't know if that is right for me, right now, even if I were sure I was trans), but because it would give me a better lens through which to examine that, and other, questions going forward.

(Looking at it typed out, this seems a lot longer than when I was drafting it on notepad. Sorry for my longwindedness. Bad habit)

 

I haven't, partially because I don't really have any friends right now. Since college, I haven't really had much of a means to have a social life, and the people who I knew in college I haven't really interacted with much, even online, since leaving, and I'd feel sort of weird talking with them on this, out of the blue. But even if I still had friends I interacted with, I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable, irrespective of anything on their part, if my experiences with being Ace are anything to go by (basically the only time I ever mentioned it was one time when talk about sex came up in a group, and someone asked me a question, and I just nervously blurted it out). I feel like anyone I'd try to test the waters with would have to be in the impossible position of being close enough to be able to admit it to, but someone whose friendship I wouldn't care about losing, not because they wouldn't accept me, but that if I decided I was cis after all, my social anxiety would just tank the friendship (something I'm not unfamiliar with in other circumstances).

Probably, since it's the social transition I'm most nervous about, though the monetary concern is something I'd have to think about, if I decided that was what I wanted. But I don't want to decide on socially transitioning until I were sure (or at least way more sure than I am now), because my social anxiety is bad enough without having to go through coming out and then discovering that I was actually cis, and having to walk that back.

Yeah, that's what I was kind of afraid of hearing. I feel like I'm looking for some definitive evidence, maybe finding one question that would sort it all out for me, or one trans narrative that exactly matched mine, so I could say, definatively, if I am trans or not.

But thanks, both of you. This did help, though not necessarily in the ways I was hoping for, with some silver bullet evidence.